i am his

Day 27 of 

Even though I had been assured that our bomb was not my fault, even though I believed it wholeheartedly, I knew I needed to learn something about myself in this process.  I knew God was not bringing me through this just for my husband to be broken and search himself.   I didn't just want to walk the road with him, I needed to walk the road.  I needed to come out on the other side different as well.  I needed to come out on the other side better, more beautiful, because He turns our brokenness into beauty, He makes all things beautiful. (Ecc. 3:11)   He does everything for His glory. So what about me needed to show His glory as well?

One day, a lengthy car ride conversation led to thinking, and thinking led to writing, and writing led to a moment of clarity that showed me exactly what one of the biggest things was that I needed to learn.  It was seriously one of those moments where the last piece of the puzzle fell into place and I could finally see the whole picture.  In a moment I began to understand myself more than I ever had.  The whys and whats of my thoughts, decisions, struggles, etc.  Obviously, it didn't completely fix me. I'm not a perfect woman who never struggles with this anymore.  It did however give it a name and now with that name I can identify it when that struggle comes.  That in itself makes a world of difference!

Zach and I were chatting about what keeps us from focusing on the Kingdom, and what are our biggest struggles that occupy our minds instead.  As we were talking, I got out my handy dandy notebook and started listing my biggest struggles. Here's what I came up with:

 being liked

 getting it all done (by myself)

 making sure everyone is ok

 not concentrating on my own sin, needs, struggles, etc.

 needing to appear ok

getting frustrated when my plans get changed

being right

hearing criticism

The next words out of my mouth were "I have some identity issues."  For as long as I can remember I have struggled with what people thought of me, but I never realized how sinful that was and how much it affected my relationships.  I have always been a 'good girl'.  The one who always followed directions, did what was expected, didn't want to make waves by disagreeing, followed instead of leading, letting others walk over me for fear that standing up would cause hurt feelings.  I tried to be so many different things because I didn't understand who I was supposed to be.  I have been His child for 20+ years but in that amount of time I didn't truly understand what being a child of God really meant.  My identity was so wrapped up in what I thought of myself and what other people thought of me, when it should have come from God alone.

Because of this, I usually never acted, I almost always reacted.  Instead of thinking I could change a situation I was in, I adapted to it, trying to "make the best of it."  I very often looked at whatever was happening and tried to figure out on my own what the "right" thing to do was, and then did that.

 Sometimes it worked and it would be great, but sometimes it didn't and I would immediately blame myself for not doing whatever it was the "right" way, and made a mental note to not do whatever that was again so that I could make sure everything was "ok."  Basically I created these rules inside my head that I needed to live up to, set the standards for my behavior and reactions, and set my own punishments or consequences in my head for when I failed to do so.  I lived a life of self righteousness because I lacked the knowledge of my identity in Christ.  I didn't know who I was in Him, therefore didn't know how to live life in His righteousness and not my own.

Christ came to fulfill the law, period. If I am in Him, then all I need is to live through the righteousness He had, because no amount of trying on my own part can fulfill it.  I needed to truly understand that when I act in any way, "good" intentions or not, but ignore what Christ did for me, I am telling Him that He is not good enough and that I could do it better.  Bitter pills to swallow at first but the most freeing thing for my heart and soul.

In one of many journals I have an ongoing list of identity verses.  Words of God that tell me exactly who I am because I am His.

I am holy and dearly loved (Col. 3:12). I am forgiven, holy and blameless before Him (Eph 1:4).  I am adopted and have every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3).  I can never be separated from His love (Rom. 8:35-39).  I will find grace and mercy in time of need (Heb 4:16).  I am His work of art (Eph 2:10)  

My identity is in Christ.  My identity is based on His works and not my own.  I can cling to the Hope I am given, and when I fail to do so I have full assurance that my God is still clinging to me.