because you need to remember why you started

Once upon a time, before he reached his current level of maturity and contentment in his wisdom, my husband was 'famous' for saying he had read certain books when he truly had not.  In order to seem just as well-read as others in our small group he would always respond with oh yeah that's a good one when someone would talk about a very deep spiritual book they had read.  The day he finally confessed this, in the same small group environment, was hard for him I'm sure, but ended up being hilarious because it was not the big deal he had built up in his head.  No one automatically doubted his opinions because he had not completed the nonexistent list of required reads written by spiritual giant in order to become a spiritual giant.  To this day, the subject still comes up occasionally in a lighthearted way.

I am the opposite, I never claim to read something I have not, but I will completely avoid reading certain books or authors out of fear that I won't be able to grasp their points.  If I don't read them, then I won't have to face that fact that I'm not as smart as another who not only read it but can recount and build upon the philosophical meanings.  No, neither one of us was going about it the right way.

Because of this fear there are many things I have had on my to read list that have stayed there, one of which was A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson.  His passing this week and the many beautiful words others have said about him and his life's work inspired me to finally pick up this book that has been sitting on my night stand since last Christmas--my courage had lasted only long enough to put it on my wishlist.  It took exactly one paragraph for me to get hooked and exactly one day for me to be inspired in my own writing from reading his.

On page 1 of chapter 1--I told you it didn't take long--he categorizes the difficulties we face into three categories.  One category is the world and our inability to recognize the world's temptations in our lives and how, in sometimes subtle ways, it changes the way we live.

I talk a lot about the world and the way it defines words differently than how God defined them, words like joy and hope and that it's not just semantics, because how you say something to another is just as important as understanding the true meaning behind what you are trying to say.  And then there was last week, and the concept of looking for the beauty and purpose of where you are instead of letting the world convince you that another place is always better.

Peterson says that "one aspect of world that I have been able to identify as harmful to Christians is the assumption that anything worthwhile can be acquired at once."  As we live lives where we can fail over and over or get side tracked again and again which leads to questioning and doubts that we really are on the right path, we can't see the beauty of now without remembering why we started that way in the first place.

We do not start our jobs, we do not open new businesses, we do not initiate new ventures without being spurred on by something.  Whether it was a dream we always held in our hearts to accomplish, a calling we felt placed heavily on our hearts, or a gift that was given to us through the spirit that we felt compelled to use, we all started with excitement and dedication to the task.  Like that fresh faced early adult, we skipped in the world with our ideals and aspirations ready to conquer, assuming like Peterson said, it could be acquired at once because of the nobility of its cause.

So what happened?  Adversity.  You inevitably faced adversity.  Setbacks, challenges, failures, pitfalls, misfortunes, road blocks.  Whatever the word, and whatever the degree, something stood in the way and left you reconsidering not just your current state, but your entire existence in your present field. 

As you sit, in the middle of the questions and doubts, there are two choices.  The first is to quit and start over with something completely new and maybe, at times, that really is the right choice, but not because you failed but because you were guided elsewhere.  The second is to stop and remember why you started.

That idealistic youngster isn't someone to laugh at, it's someone to learn from because they hold the initial information, the reason for beginning.  Taking your early self's initiative and pairing it with your experienced self's knowledge creates the person God will used to accomplish the initial task He planned for you. 

If you find yourself bogged down in a place that began as a dream, but has begun to feel as the opposite I want to give you two steps to follow.

1.  Identify what is weighing you down

     Do not ignore the hardships, the little or big things that are standing in the way, whether it is a person, your attitude, finances, etc, give each and every one of them a name.  Call them out, write them down, look at them.  They, tangible or intangible, are real and until you seem them you cannot stand against them.

2.  Identify why you started

     Follow the trail back to the beginning.  What initiated your desire to start, what did you want to accomplish, what gift of grace lies in your skill set that made you the exact person God desired to finish this work. 

Your dream, calling, and/or gift did not run out or disappear, it is just buried in the muck of the world.

There is a reason Adversity is a word used by every player and every coach in every post-game interview ever done, because it is every where in every situation on any given day.  Just this morning my CrossFit coach was explaining his current training method as adversity training, putting our bodies through short periods of intense work and then rest so that they can learn to handle harder things in the future. 

God is training our hearts and minds to be able to, through Him, accomplish short periods of hard work so that we can handle harder things in the future.  The lie of the world that everything worthwhile is easy to accomplish is there so that we will quit doing the worthwhile things when they become hard.  But if you remember the words of Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, "the hard is what makes it great."

Paul knew this and reminded the churches of it often.  Keep striving under persecution, because that is spreading the gospel.  Do not worry about what I (Paul) have been through, what has happened to me has helped progress the gospel.  Our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed later.

Denzel Washington, in an acceptance speech at the NAACP Image Awards, spoke of striving forward and said if you "fall down seven times, get up eight."  Just do not try to get up on your own.

The work you are doing is Good work and God will complete it in you.  Let the beginning callings spur you through the current muck to get to the glory, His glory, revealing ending.

I am praying that you can remember, pray for me.

for when we want to know what we're supposed to do

As we continue to look forward into these next Ten months, let us remember past Truths that have been revealed and concentrate on opening our hearts to the new ones God so loving and continuously presses upon us because of the beautiful gift of Grace.  Oh the many Truths He has for us, age old to Him, but shiny and new to us as we walk in faith ever learning how Jesus's Spirit seeps into every part of our being constantly changing our inner dispositions.  He is our simple answer in the midst of the complicated world, the one who gave us "time."  Today lets hit the big stuff, listening for God's call and walking in it, and expecting the unknown all the while trusting we are completely Known to Him.

"People are always telling you that change is a good thing.  But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all...has happened." ~Kathleen Kelly

--Just hearing those words from Kathleen Kelly a.k.a Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail immediately gives me the great desire to put on a trench coat, curl up in a bed, stare at daisies, and get lost in that iconic movie.--

Change has different faces, and while we each have our share of graciously given exciting ones, we each know too well the scary and disappointment that can come when something we didn't want to happen, happens.

Almost 4 years ago, something I didn't want to happen, happened.  Life was shaken up, any control I falsely thought I had was completely stripped away, and I was left with no other choice but to look up, to see that all I really needed I already had in Christ, and with that the promise that I would never be left, never forsaken.  I can expect, and even welcome, the unknown, because I am fully known

Through that single experience, and the massive amount of ripples that came with it, life as I know it now is very different from what I was imagining for myself.  However, in many ways it is beautifully, mercifully, similar as a loving Heavenly Father, my husband, children, and certain friends are still here, next to each other, bearing burdens, living life as children of the King, better and closer and able to tell of His goodness.

All is not roses and rainbows, many scars still remain and many idols are still being unearthed as work that has begun is still in the completion phase, but the heart within is changed and, while still being renewed daily as inner dispositions continue to be formed, has a new trajectory, a clearer purpose, that would not have been possible without that change.

Any good that is here for me, and for you, does not have come on our own terms, by our own hands.  It is something we are not able to create, but is instead masterfully created. 

I know this because even still, when confronted with the new hard things, there is an almost immediate desire to let it consume my emotions, forcing me back to the past memories of frustration, exhaustion, confusion.  Because I know, I know, how hard HARD can be,  I know how energy sucking it is.  I know how vulnerable you feel through it as your heart is laid completely bare.  I know the doubt that swirls around within when your world is suddenly a very different place.  Even with the litany of positives that have come, even with the humbling honor of walking with others through their own Hard, even with the encouragement that we should feel joy when facing trials of any kind because of the mature faith it brings (James 1:3-4), I am tempted to ignore His faithfulness and promised comfort and reach out for the comfort of the world.  Even if your events are much different than mine and those others around you, do you still find yourself in this same place at times?  Embrace your weakness.  Say a prayer of thanks that you can not go on on your own.


                                             

In our own strength, we are weak.  In our weakness, we are made strong.

It's our fear of appearing weak that keeps us from following those places we are being called.  Fear of failure, of admitting we might have heard wrong, of what we may have to sacrifice to go forward, of what others may think, or what might be assumed by our inability to accomplish the goal we thought was a sure thing.  After our church closed it's doors last year I was meeting with our then pastor sharing my confusion about different choices I should have made, could have made.  During my should I have done this, could I have done that, his response was eye opening, heart opening.  "Just because the outcome is not what you wanted, it doesn't mean you made the wrong choice." 

The trophy at the end is what we all want, but it's the experience of the journey and the hearts touched through it that God is really after.

As someone who relishes being told the right answer, knowing the exact right thing to do and steps needed before proceeding, it is somewhat painful for me to tell you that no where in this sharing will there be anything resembling a "How-To" in regards to knowing what you are called to.  It is in fact bad blogging form to not give you a "How to hear and listen to God's call in your life in 10 easy steps" kind of advice.  But it's not something in my power to give.  There's no rote answer, sorry to all those fellow type As out there.  If you want a map of where to go to find out the answer I can draw a simple line straight to the foot of the cross.  If you want a map of where that will take you next, consider instead to stare at the abstract drawings of a two year old with all their chaotic swirls and overlapping lines.

In his book The Will of God as a way of Life, Jerry Sitser says "No matter what our circumstances, we can enter right now into God's will for us--the will of a wise and loving Father who knows how to weave all of our choices into a redemptive masterpiece."  

For 8 years of my husband's childhood, his family were missionaries in France.  When my father in law was asked how he knew it was the will of God to be a missionary in France, his response was along the lines of "well when I was standing in the middle of a French airport I figured God must have wanted me there."

There is no perfect way of knowing, there is only a perfect One to follow. 

If I would even attempt to give any kind of advice to you as we seek out our next ten months and forever it would be to do two things, Abide and Obey.

Abiding is sitting right there in the shadow of Christ, the safety of His wing, getting to know Him better and as that knowledge grows the wisdom will follow after.  Obeying is hearing those still small voices and saying yes to them until gradually you are able to hear the bigger ones that come, not worrying about the ending as much as relishing in each now He is giving and what it is giving to others.

We can't screw up God's plan for us.  We're not that powerful.  Abide.  Obey. Do not fear that you will do it all wrong, you might possibly will, but trust that the Holy Spirit will always guiding us towards what is right.

I'll be praying for you, pray for me.