because you need to remember why you started

Once upon a time, before he reached his current level of maturity and contentment in his wisdom, my husband was 'famous' for saying he had read certain books when he truly had not.  In order to seem just as well-read as others in our small group he would always respond with oh yeah that's a good one when someone would talk about a very deep spiritual book they had read.  The day he finally confessed this, in the same small group environment, was hard for him I'm sure, but ended up being hilarious because it was not the big deal he had built up in his head.  No one automatically doubted his opinions because he had not completed the nonexistent list of required reads written by spiritual giant in order to become a spiritual giant.  To this day, the subject still comes up occasionally in a lighthearted way.

I am the opposite, I never claim to read something I have not, but I will completely avoid reading certain books or authors out of fear that I won't be able to grasp their points.  If I don't read them, then I won't have to face that fact that I'm not as smart as another who not only read it but can recount and build upon the philosophical meanings.  No, neither one of us was going about it the right way.

Because of this fear there are many things I have had on my to read list that have stayed there, one of which was A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson.  His passing this week and the many beautiful words others have said about him and his life's work inspired me to finally pick up this book that has been sitting on my night stand since last Christmas--my courage had lasted only long enough to put it on my wishlist.  It took exactly one paragraph for me to get hooked and exactly one day for me to be inspired in my own writing from reading his.

On page 1 of chapter 1--I told you it didn't take long--he categorizes the difficulties we face into three categories.  One category is the world and our inability to recognize the world's temptations in our lives and how, in sometimes subtle ways, it changes the way we live.

I talk a lot about the world and the way it defines words differently than how God defined them, words like joy and hope and that it's not just semantics, because how you say something to another is just as important as understanding the true meaning behind what you are trying to say.  And then there was last week, and the concept of looking for the beauty and purpose of where you are instead of letting the world convince you that another place is always better.

Peterson says that "one aspect of world that I have been able to identify as harmful to Christians is the assumption that anything worthwhile can be acquired at once."  As we live lives where we can fail over and over or get side tracked again and again which leads to questioning and doubts that we really are on the right path, we can't see the beauty of now without remembering why we started that way in the first place.

We do not start our jobs, we do not open new businesses, we do not initiate new ventures without being spurred on by something.  Whether it was a dream we always held in our hearts to accomplish, a calling we felt placed heavily on our hearts, or a gift that was given to us through the spirit that we felt compelled to use, we all started with excitement and dedication to the task.  Like that fresh faced early adult, we skipped in the world with our ideals and aspirations ready to conquer, assuming like Peterson said, it could be acquired at once because of the nobility of its cause.

So what happened?  Adversity.  You inevitably faced adversity.  Setbacks, challenges, failures, pitfalls, misfortunes, road blocks.  Whatever the word, and whatever the degree, something stood in the way and left you reconsidering not just your current state, but your entire existence in your present field. 

As you sit, in the middle of the questions and doubts, there are two choices.  The first is to quit and start over with something completely new and maybe, at times, that really is the right choice, but not because you failed but because you were guided elsewhere.  The second is to stop and remember why you started.

That idealistic youngster isn't someone to laugh at, it's someone to learn from because they hold the initial information, the reason for beginning.  Taking your early self's initiative and pairing it with your experienced self's knowledge creates the person God will used to accomplish the initial task He planned for you. 

If you find yourself bogged down in a place that began as a dream, but has begun to feel as the opposite I want to give you two steps to follow.

1.  Identify what is weighing you down

     Do not ignore the hardships, the little or big things that are standing in the way, whether it is a person, your attitude, finances, etc, give each and every one of them a name.  Call them out, write them down, look at them.  They, tangible or intangible, are real and until you seem them you cannot stand against them.

2.  Identify why you started

     Follow the trail back to the beginning.  What initiated your desire to start, what did you want to accomplish, what gift of grace lies in your skill set that made you the exact person God desired to finish this work. 

Your dream, calling, and/or gift did not run out or disappear, it is just buried in the muck of the world.

There is a reason Adversity is a word used by every player and every coach in every post-game interview ever done, because it is every where in every situation on any given day.  Just this morning my CrossFit coach was explaining his current training method as adversity training, putting our bodies through short periods of intense work and then rest so that they can learn to handle harder things in the future. 

God is training our hearts and minds to be able to, through Him, accomplish short periods of hard work so that we can handle harder things in the future.  The lie of the world that everything worthwhile is easy to accomplish is there so that we will quit doing the worthwhile things when they become hard.  But if you remember the words of Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, "the hard is what makes it great."

Paul knew this and reminded the churches of it often.  Keep striving under persecution, because that is spreading the gospel.  Do not worry about what I (Paul) have been through, what has happened to me has helped progress the gospel.  Our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed later.

Denzel Washington, in an acceptance speech at the NAACP Image Awards, spoke of striving forward and said if you "fall down seven times, get up eight."  Just do not try to get up on your own.

The work you are doing is Good work and God will complete it in you.  Let the beginning callings spur you through the current muck to get to the glory, His glory, revealing ending.

I am praying that you can remember, pray for me.

because we can't hold on forever

I have never really liked my hands. My sister inherited the good hands. They're soft and smooth, long fingers with nails that grow past the point where the white actually shows and can be filed in a ladylike manner. I seem to have inherited the opposite. Even at a young age they seemed, to my eyes, like old lady hands. I got the large veins that show their blue through the skin on the back, short fingernails that break way too easily, and no amount of lotion will keep them soft and supple for long.

You would think that the four years of CrossFit they have endured would make me like them less, because now added in with what was previously mentioned are calluses and torn blisters and the scars that are still slightly visible from previous ones that have already healed.  But actually, that makes me like them a little more, because at least I can see with my eyes the work they have done.  If I can't have pretty, at least I have productive.

But there's one part, one aspect, those two extremities at the end of my arms have that I just can't seem to improve on my opinion of, how well they can hold on.

It never fails, or I guess I should say they always fail.  Sooner or later, usually sooner rather than later, they give out and let go.  All my willpower in the world cannot make them hold a bar for longer than they are able.  I have to stop and rest them, shake them out, and will them to try again.  Recently, after having a seemingly normal conversation--well a normal conversation for some of us--about grip strength and bar cycling with one of our coaches, I sat in the car staring at my battle wounds and gained a sense of understanding.  Yes, I can improve their strength, our bodies were created in an amazing way that makes grown and improvement a possibility, but I will never be able to hold on to anything forever.  I wasn't built to hold on,  I was built to be held on to.

A story I was told years ago has always stayed with me.  In the story this man's friend was on a tubing trip with his family.  As they floated contentedly down the river, his young daughter in his lap, the water's current started to quicken and before them they saw that the rapids that were usually quiet had grown fierce and wild with the recent rain.  He braced himself for the blows to come and with all his might held tightly to his daughter as they were thrown from the tube and sent into the waters.  Tumbling and turning he kept holding on until they finally reached calm waters again.  With tears streaming down her face she grinned proudly at her daddy and said I holded on, I holded on the whole time!  But he knew the truth, she wasn't safe because of her strength to hold on, she was safe because someone stronger was holding on to her, and he never let go.

It's a lesson I have learned a thousand times for sure with thousands left to go, I can't control the outcomes I can only fulfill my part.  I can't force things to happen that are not meant to be, just like I can't stop what's meant to be from happening.  I can cling and stretch and learn and grow, all good things to be sure, but eventually I'll have to let go, and when I do I can clearly see the One who is always holding on to me.  In my weakness I see His strength, in my weakness He in my makes me strong.

As I continue and practice, strength will grow in my body, but as for my Spirit, instead of learning to hold on longer, maybe the lesson should be to let go a little sooner so that I may rest in My Father who will never let go.  I'll be praying that for you, pray for me.

For do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10