because we can't hold on forever

I have never really liked my hands. My sister inherited the good hands. They're soft and smooth, long fingers with nails that grow past the point where the white actually shows and can be filed in a ladylike manner. I seem to have inherited the opposite. Even at a young age they seemed, to my eyes, like old lady hands. I got the large veins that show their blue through the skin on the back, short fingernails that break way too easily, and no amount of lotion will keep them soft and supple for long.

You would think that the four years of CrossFit they have endured would make me like them less, because now added in with what was previously mentioned are calluses and torn blisters and the scars that are still slightly visible from previous ones that have already healed.  But actually, that makes me like them a little more, because at least I can see with my eyes the work they have done.  If I can't have pretty, at least I have productive.

But there's one part, one aspect, those two extremities at the end of my arms have that I just can't seem to improve on my opinion of, how well they can hold on.

It never fails, or I guess I should say they always fail.  Sooner or later, usually sooner rather than later, they give out and let go.  All my willpower in the world cannot make them hold a bar for longer than they are able.  I have to stop and rest them, shake them out, and will them to try again.  Recently, after having a seemingly normal conversation--well a normal conversation for some of us--about grip strength and bar cycling with one of our coaches, I sat in the car staring at my battle wounds and gained a sense of understanding.  Yes, I can improve their strength, our bodies were created in an amazing way that makes grown and improvement a possibility, but I will never be able to hold on to anything forever.  I wasn't built to hold on,  I was built to be held on to.

A story I was told years ago has always stayed with me.  In the story this man's friend was on a tubing trip with his family.  As they floated contentedly down the river, his young daughter in his lap, the water's current started to quicken and before them they saw that the rapids that were usually quiet had grown fierce and wild with the recent rain.  He braced himself for the blows to come and with all his might held tightly to his daughter as they were thrown from the tube and sent into the waters.  Tumbling and turning he kept holding on until they finally reached calm waters again.  With tears streaming down her face she grinned proudly at her daddy and said I holded on, I holded on the whole time!  But he knew the truth, she wasn't safe because of her strength to hold on, she was safe because someone stronger was holding on to her, and he never let go.

It's a lesson I have learned a thousand times for sure with thousands left to go, I can't control the outcomes I can only fulfill my part.  I can't force things to happen that are not meant to be, just like I can't stop what's meant to be from happening.  I can cling and stretch and learn and grow, all good things to be sure, but eventually I'll have to let go, and when I do I can clearly see the One who is always holding on to me.  In my weakness I see His strength, in my weakness He in my makes me strong.

As I continue and practice, strength will grow in my body, but as for my Spirit, instead of learning to hold on longer, maybe the lesson should be to let go a little sooner so that I may rest in My Father who will never let go.  I'll be praying that for you, pray for me.

For do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

because not everything is a gift

It is no secret that we are a music loving family.  Hamilton captured all of ours, and most of the country's, attention for quite some time.  Our boys can name music scores after barely a handful of notes have been played and since the gift of a google home mini, dance parties in the kitchen are even more frequent because you can bring up any song with just a sentence aimed at that little gray circle on the counter.

My background in music is far from professional but still contains a variety of outlets, most frequently being dance and show choir.  From a young age I have LOVED musicals and when there is a good dance number involved, Yes Please! 

Getting to the movies, another one of our family's favorite things to do together, is tricky.  Times, schedules, calendar events, and the not so cheap price of tickets definitely hinder our ability, but there is a movie out right now that all of us are dying to go see.  The fact that we have been listening to the soundtrack nonstop for a week or two to prepare for the viewing has only fueled our desire.  The Greatest Showman scratches all of my musical loving itches.  Fantastic lyrics, dance party worthy rhythms, amazing voices, and emotions that have already caused a tear session or two--or ten.  At the heart of this story, without even having viewed it yet, I know is family, whether they come through blood, marriage, or those people drawn together through life experience who now have each other to turn to.

There are many angles to this story, but one is about the conception of the show as P.T. Barnum searches out people who have been cast out by society because of a strange characteristic that he helps them see as uniquely extraordinary.  At one point near the end Barnum is devastated at some consequences from his actions and he is approached by this same group of would-be misfits and told "while he may not have always done the right thing, he saw them all as more than freaks and gave them a real family and home." 

Others had pointed out to them their weaknesses and another came along and used them as strengths.

When recalling the thoughts on Sally Lloyd Jones' interview, there was much shared about gifts.  Again this past weekend during a retreat and then again during a conversation at the gym, the subject came up, and there was a consensus that gifts do not have to be worked for, they just appear.  It is why a three year old can play flawless violin, or a 9 year old can throw a knuckleball that could still confuse the most experienced hitters, why a deaf man can compose symphonies, or why a man well into retirement with no education can pick up a pencil and draw something so beautiful you would argue that it was a photograph. Can you fine tune them? of course, but that is just being a steward of what you have been given.  The gifting was given gracefully and abundantly for one reason, so that you would see God and give Him glory for what you have that you had no control over getting. 

God has given each of [us] a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts.  Use them well to serve one another.  1 Peter 4:10

We need to be thankful for the gifts and need to be intentional about being watchful for them in life instead of just disregarding them.  I have felt the desire to do that in the last few weeks, I hope you have too.  But, Y'all, in those watchful, intentional searches there are quite a bit of things found that are far from gifts.  They are things that still come easily, but instead of wanting to wrap up and hold on to them, it is the opposite desire, the desire to purge.  This is not a let's put it all in a donation box to see if anyone else wants it purge.  It's a let's "turn it into a flea, and then put that flea in a box, and then put that box inside of another box, and then mail that box to yourself, and when it arrives...smash it with a hammer!" kind of feeling.  Thank you Emperor's New Groove for that glorious word picture.

We each have a variety of struggles, that is no big news, we walk through ups and downs seeing successes from illnesses, vices, losses, and traumatic events and are thankful for each of them, but I know we each have those certain things that never quite go away.  That one struggle that keeps coming back again and again, sometimes with vengeance.  We've pleaded, we've prayed, we've begged for it to go away, but still there it is, making itself at home in our life like Cousin Eddie's tenement on wheels in the driveway.

But guess what, there is Hope in that as well. 

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh...three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 2 Cor. 12:7-8

We have an example, a great man of God who was given a thorn in the flesh that he pleaded with the Lord to take away that never was.  And why didn't He?

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9 

I know my thorns, the two biggest are fear and envy.  I do not know what yours are, but I know they are there and that you probably already can name them because if there is one thing we are good at, it is picking out our faults way before we can name our gifts.  While maybe they have not been placed in your life because you would other wise be conceited, there is confidence that they have been placed there so that you will have to rely on God to continue.  John Calvin says, "For men have no taste for God's power ill they are convinced of their need of it and they immediately forget its value unless they are conditionally reminded by awareness of their own weakness" He knows we need Him, and it is by His grace that he brings us back into the fold in this way as well.  It is about His strength being made perfect, not our own.

"No one enjoys feeling weak," says Charles Stanley, "whether it is emotionally, spiritually, or physically.  There is something within the human spirit that wants to resist the thought of weakness.  Many times this is nothing more than our human pride at work.  Just as weakness carries a great potential for strength, pride carries an equally great potential for defeat."  

This is not an overnight venture, immediately upon reading these words, as if a magical spell, will not result in becoming thankful and appreciative for all the crap that never seems to go away.  Mainly because that's not the point.  The point is to begin to "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me...for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10

We have been sought out and included in the Kingdom with our gifts as well as our weaknesses, most importantly even, our weaknesses.  

I'll be praying as they are made known to you, pray for me.