because you need to remember why you started

Once upon a time, before he reached his current level of maturity and contentment in his wisdom, my husband was 'famous' for saying he had read certain books when he truly had not.  In order to seem just as well-read as others in our small group he would always respond with oh yeah that's a good one when someone would talk about a very deep spiritual book they had read.  The day he finally confessed this, in the same small group environment, was hard for him I'm sure, but ended up being hilarious because it was not the big deal he had built up in his head.  No one automatically doubted his opinions because he had not completed the nonexistent list of required reads written by spiritual giant in order to become a spiritual giant.  To this day, the subject still comes up occasionally in a lighthearted way.

I am the opposite, I never claim to read something I have not, but I will completely avoid reading certain books or authors out of fear that I won't be able to grasp their points.  If I don't read them, then I won't have to face that fact that I'm not as smart as another who not only read it but can recount and build upon the philosophical meanings.  No, neither one of us was going about it the right way.

Because of this fear there are many things I have had on my to read list that have stayed there, one of which was A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson.  His passing this week and the many beautiful words others have said about him and his life's work inspired me to finally pick up this book that has been sitting on my night stand since last Christmas--my courage had lasted only long enough to put it on my wishlist.  It took exactly one paragraph for me to get hooked and exactly one day for me to be inspired in my own writing from reading his.

On page 1 of chapter 1--I told you it didn't take long--he categorizes the difficulties we face into three categories.  One category is the world and our inability to recognize the world's temptations in our lives and how, in sometimes subtle ways, it changes the way we live.

I talk a lot about the world and the way it defines words differently than how God defined them, words like joy and hope and that it's not just semantics, because how you say something to another is just as important as understanding the true meaning behind what you are trying to say.  And then there was last week, and the concept of looking for the beauty and purpose of where you are instead of letting the world convince you that another place is always better.

Peterson says that "one aspect of world that I have been able to identify as harmful to Christians is the assumption that anything worthwhile can be acquired at once."  As we live lives where we can fail over and over or get side tracked again and again which leads to questioning and doubts that we really are on the right path, we can't see the beauty of now without remembering why we started that way in the first place.

We do not start our jobs, we do not open new businesses, we do not initiate new ventures without being spurred on by something.  Whether it was a dream we always held in our hearts to accomplish, a calling we felt placed heavily on our hearts, or a gift that was given to us through the spirit that we felt compelled to use, we all started with excitement and dedication to the task.  Like that fresh faced early adult, we skipped in the world with our ideals and aspirations ready to conquer, assuming like Peterson said, it could be acquired at once because of the nobility of its cause.

So what happened?  Adversity.  You inevitably faced adversity.  Setbacks, challenges, failures, pitfalls, misfortunes, road blocks.  Whatever the word, and whatever the degree, something stood in the way and left you reconsidering not just your current state, but your entire existence in your present field. 

As you sit, in the middle of the questions and doubts, there are two choices.  The first is to quit and start over with something completely new and maybe, at times, that really is the right choice, but not because you failed but because you were guided elsewhere.  The second is to stop and remember why you started.

That idealistic youngster isn't someone to laugh at, it's someone to learn from because they hold the initial information, the reason for beginning.  Taking your early self's initiative and pairing it with your experienced self's knowledge creates the person God will used to accomplish the initial task He planned for you. 

If you find yourself bogged down in a place that began as a dream, but has begun to feel as the opposite I want to give you two steps to follow.

1.  Identify what is weighing you down

     Do not ignore the hardships, the little or big things that are standing in the way, whether it is a person, your attitude, finances, etc, give each and every one of them a name.  Call them out, write them down, look at them.  They, tangible or intangible, are real and until you seem them you cannot stand against them.

2.  Identify why you started

     Follow the trail back to the beginning.  What initiated your desire to start, what did you want to accomplish, what gift of grace lies in your skill set that made you the exact person God desired to finish this work. 

Your dream, calling, and/or gift did not run out or disappear, it is just buried in the muck of the world.

There is a reason Adversity is a word used by every player and every coach in every post-game interview ever done, because it is every where in every situation on any given day.  Just this morning my CrossFit coach was explaining his current training method as adversity training, putting our bodies through short periods of intense work and then rest so that they can learn to handle harder things in the future. 

God is training our hearts and minds to be able to, through Him, accomplish short periods of hard work so that we can handle harder things in the future.  The lie of the world that everything worthwhile is easy to accomplish is there so that we will quit doing the worthwhile things when they become hard.  But if you remember the words of Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, "the hard is what makes it great."

Paul knew this and reminded the churches of it often.  Keep striving under persecution, because that is spreading the gospel.  Do not worry about what I (Paul) have been through, what has happened to me has helped progress the gospel.  Our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed later.

Denzel Washington, in an acceptance speech at the NAACP Image Awards, spoke of striving forward and said if you "fall down seven times, get up eight."  Just do not try to get up on your own.

The work you are doing is Good work and God will complete it in you.  Let the beginning callings spur you through the current muck to get to the glory, His glory, revealing ending.

I am praying that you can remember, pray for me.

for when you are looking for joy

This isn't the first time this exact subject has been shared, it's not even the second, or even the third.  It is in fact the fourth version of this post that has come from keyboard to screen to others' eyes.  So for a list of verses that will pull your heart in please take the time to visit one of those links.  

The original reasoning behind sharing this again was because for the third time this year some yucky germs have filtered their way through our family and constant cleaning, laundry, care taking and/or being cared for has been happening for a week straight.  Writing something original today felt like a task weighing too heavily upon my shoulders, yet skipping completely, though done before when need arises, didn't feel right either.

However as thought and word came together, the original reasoning took a back seat to fact, I needed to ponder these words and verses again, to be reminded of their truths, and to see the growth that has come because an ever faithful Father has been working in me, always working.

There have been countless times in my life where I have struggled with finding joy.  Times when I didn't feel right, just not quite myself.  Years ago, God started opening my eyes to the circumstances around these feelings so that I could begin to pinpoint when it might happen or at least recognize the cause when the lack of joy was felt. At the time, four triggers were noticed that caused the heart to dip and joy to leak instead of remain full, (1) exhaustion (2) feeling overwhelmed with too many tasks, thoughts and decisions (3) not spending time with friends who encourage me (4) letting the lives others make me feel discontent with where I am in my own life. Since the original list, another has been added.  (5) letting past trials take up too much presence in my present.  

The past longs to haunt you, to bring you back down to where you were or who you used to be but all the while God is reminding you that you are not who you were, you are a new creation, being renewed day by day.

Today the past had no hold on me, and in a situation where frustration would usually reign, where triggers would  usually flip and hard roads would be trodden down yet again, Joy was there to greet me instead.  The most beautiful part was that I didn't even have to choose Joy, Joy chose me. 

O joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

Months ago, literally, there would have been more than one pity party, frustrated outburst, and emotional meltdown mixed in with the extreme search for joy in the midst of the not so normal.  Even with the hard learned knowledge that my joy does not come from me or my surroundings but only because I am a child of God and that I have an amazing Savior who sacrificed himself so that I could not only have everlasting life BUT that I may also enjoy the life he has placed me in here on Earth despite the circumstances I am in, there would have just been non-holy guilt for not living that out instead of the Joy it so beautifully describes being able to live out regardless of life's bumps.

Joy came in the morning.  It fought against flesh and won the battle and in turn reminded me that no matter how many times I have failed at this in the past, the Spirit is constantly working and changing those inner dispositions to be more like Christ so that each day I can look and see that He is good.  He is so faithful, completing that work in each of us.

But Joy is not alone.  The fruit of the Spirit takes many shapes and we each struggle with different aspects of it at different times.  We look at life and get discouraged that we aren't as patient as we would like to be.  Not as loving.  Lack self-control.  And yes kettle, this pot may be calling you black but listen anyway.  Remember you are being renewed day by day, not immediately.  Don't be discouraged by your failings, be encouraged by the one who continues to pull you forward especially when you fail.  Because when you "ask  it will be given to you; seek, you will find; knock, it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8)

I'm praying that you can see Joy, but even if right at this moment you see anything but, I pray that you will ask for it and seek it out because if you are abiding in Christ you will find it.  Please pray the same for me.

revisiting joy

Even after nine years of parenting--seemingly a lifetime for me though truly only a drop in the bucket-- it still amazes me how quickly children can go from one extreme emotion to another.  Seconds after belly laughing over a funny moment, wailing can commence over any number of things from falling and tripping over the air that always seems to get in the way to not being able to eat the entire whatever that was pillaged from the snack basket ten minutes before dinner. 

Taking the time, physical energy, and mental stamina to adventure out to the zoo or park can quickly go from fun-filled day to annoying parenting moment as tears are shed and grumpy voices raised because you have to leave, or because of the one animal they just remembered they didn't get to see, or because tiredness set in as soon as they were buckled and now "sangry" attitudes are fully operational.  

Frequent reminders are given to be thankful for what you have and what you get to do, instead of focusing on what you do not have or think you are missing out on. Fixating on these self proclaimed lacks in your life results in spending more time than necessary dealing with the anger that comes from wanting instead of the joy that comes from simple thankfulness.

Of course, I've been walking on this earth for 34 years and change and my emotional highs and lows are definitely of the same roller coaster status so that when I parent out loud I find that I need to include myself in the reprimand.  When my own skills of discontent and comparison are quite adept, molding the hearts of the boys who call me mama is a difficult task due to the label of hypocrite I seem to be wearing. 

My mind this week has been centering around that single word, Joy.  As if on a giant ferris wheel of emotion, I come back to it time and time again, hearing the same need from friends, and pouring over reminders written in the past and verses that were searched out to act as a jump starter for the heart when things are foggy and focus is skewed. 

When glancing back I remember that the need to re-search 'usually comes along side times where I'm (1) exhausted, (2) have a lot of things on my plate/in my brain and get overwhelmed, (3) haven't been able to spend time with friends who encourage me, or (4) let the lives of others make me feel discontent with my own life.'  Knowing your triggers, what sets off the sins, idols, or difficult memories that effect your spiritual, emotional or even physical aspects of your life is a task worth delving into.  Writing them down once found is crucial as well, as it saves times and sanity when in the moment you're not sure why you seem to have lost it again.

Lighthearted, happy, and positive were traits I would have boasted about in the past, but life happens and experiences change you, and even if for the better, residue of another sort can stick along as well.  Naivety leaves and many times is replaced with negatives such as shock, doubt, and insecurity before the Spirit reminds of the Joy to overcome them all.

Between venturing into fostering to adopt and just barely cracking open the door to this dark and sad world hundreds of thousands of children in the US face, hearing about loved ones losing their short battle with cancer, and the shock that friends are suffering through after a life was taken by its own hand, it can seem as if seeking joyfulness in the midst is a selfish motive.  But Joy is not the "absence of suffering, it's the presence of God" ~Elisabeth Elliot

In my notebook full of the most favorite of the favorite quotes I wrote these words shared by Ellie Holcomb, "For every look at yourself take ten looks at Jesus."  Her purpose for this phrase was different than mine but the root of the need is the same.  Look at Jesus.  For every time you feel discontent, for every time you fail to live up to your expectations, for every time you glance at your neighbor and allow them to give you identity.  For every time you give into the negatives in the world around you, look at Jesus and then look again and again.  Look at him in whom "all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell (Col 1:19)"

There are 5 verses, 12 short sentences, making up the 100th Psalm that have never failed to put a smile upon my face, even in the darkest of circumstances.  In this Psalm of joyful noise, gladness, singing, praise and thanksgiving a simple truth strikes me.  If God tells us to praise it means we have things to sing praise about.  He wants my joy because he has done joyful things. 

With this the waterfall of memories begins to flood out the not so wonderful ones that try to take root.

So on this turn of the wheel, instead of the downtrodden glum of searching for the assumed lost treasure of joy, there has been an encouragement--permission you could say--to grab more and more and when I get to the point where I feel greedy for taking too much, more is exactly what I am told to get because "in his presence there is FULLNESS of joy (Ps. 16:11)"

Pray for me, Ill be praying for you.

*This weekly outpouring that is becoming a habitual part of my life, is somewhat selfish.  It is my outlet, my processing center, a way to see and feel how God is currently working in my life.  "If I could talk about it, I wouldn't have to write about it" says Madeline L'engle and right she is in regard to my own thought ability.  Thank you for sharing this time with me.