gentle, a new word for a new year

It has been five months since we said goodbye to summer and embarked on a journey to make the most of the ten months of the school year.  There have been reminders that He is the simple answer we need in every situation, that He is who gifted us time and knows us fully, therefore can help us be content in what He has called us to do.

Together we have learned that small things are big, we all need new perspective, ways of loving our neighbor, God is worth repeating, there are stages in our growth, that fear does not own us, and that we have misguided thoughts of perfection.

Now, here, as we are halfway through, we find ourselves at the beginning of a new calendar year.  A time to take stock of a year that has passed and a new one that is coming.  There are successes and failures during this first half like during anything else, but above it all is a hand guiding and teaching and in the mirror a person who is not the same, proof of the promise that there is renewal day by day.

Each new year there is a challenge to find a new word, phrase, or idea to ponder upon and grow in.  For a few months I thought I had it nailed.  I have alluded to things I have not yet finished that God has asked of me and just "knew" that Finish was my word of 2018.  However there was the thought, are we ever truly finished this side of heaven?  Besides the fact that I do not have a desire to be "finished" this year in that respect if you catch my drift, when those tasks are completed, and even if they aren't, He will ask different things, new things, that will then need to be finished.  No, finish is not it.

Then thoughts drifted back to something read in the middle of the summer that never quiet left the forefront of my mind.  A word I aspire to be but long ago in my vast wisdom-ha!-deemed it impossible.  Let me explain...

In Elementary school, I called one of my best friends and her dad answered, as she was coming to the phone and asked who it was He responded, "I don't know.  I think it's some boy."  I didn't have the right voice.

In Seventh grade, my first year of junior high, an announcement was made that cheerleading tryouts were coming up.  Now, anyone who thought they knew me would never have assumed I would be interested, but oh my how my heart longed to just try.  There was a desire to be set apart, special, and every girl knew that a cheerleader was about as special as you could get--oh the many things I would love to go back and tell that girl!  Two things stopped me from trying out.  Number 1 when I stomped and clapped like cheerleaders do my thighs jiggled which obviously in my junior high head no one else's did.  And Number 2, I didn't have the right voice.

A large portion of my memorable lifetime has been spent envying my soft spoken friends and their beautifully, quiet, sing-song voices who did not just blurt things out at random times.  A large portion of my memorable lifetime has been spent trying to emulate those tones and qualities and an equally large portion has been spent distrusting the sincerity of people with those voices because if I could not be myself talking that way, they must not be being themselves either.

Somewhere in the journey to find my own truth I came to believe that I could not have a gentle spirit because my literal tone of voice was not gentle enough.  Instead of asking my Creator to develop a quality of character within me, I attempted to change myself and then instead of accepting failure deemed myself incapable.  God is the only one who has the power to change us and He is everything but incapable.

Fast forward to the summer of 2017, 35 1/2 years of living on this earth had passed, and these words from Paul David Tripp were read, "Treating a person with gentleness makes him or her want to move near you.  Responding with gentleness teaches another person that he or she is safe in your care.  It is an essential relational bond." 

Maybe it is odd that the thought of a stray animal came to mind before any other but the brain goes where it goes at times.  Trying to rescue a scared creature might require a somewhat softer tone but much more than that is required a gentle, patient disposition where trust is formed producing a desire to come near.  Too quick of a movement and you can scare them away.  Too short of a wait and you will show them there was not much care to begin with.

This was my desire.  The desire was to instill trust, a desire to be near, a feeling of safety and acceptance. My greatest desire for my relationship with my husband and bond with my boys who are growing rapidly past the young child care taking stage into the emotional and spiritual guiding stage was for them to feel safe with me whether just enjoying time in each other's presence or deep in life giving conversation.  Accomplishing this with just a voice was not going to work, it needed to be shown in action.

Therefore, Gentle is my word for 2018.

1 Peter 3:4 says, "Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."  Another translation which just my have one of my favorite phrases in it says, "but from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God's sight."

Earlier in life I had misapplied out of the heart the mouth speaks to my tonal quality instead of the words being spoken.  And yes while the sound of your voice makes a huge difference and as a mama something I can struggle incessantly with during times of frustration, it is my words that can give life or take it away.  My mouth will speak the words that are in my heart and if my heart is full of the life giving words God gives the sound, sing-songy or not, will not matter as much.

As the word Gentle becomes a daily thought it will take different forms. 

First will having a literal gentle disposition that will draw others near and having a quiet spirit which comes from being at peace because of Christ and NOT from having a quiet voice.  She's learning folks! 

There will also be a gentleness with myself, grace before judgement which I tend to give to others freely and keep locked away when it comes to my own life, decisions, and mistakes. 

Lastly, there will be striving for a gentle approach.  A new friend commented about gentling herself into the new year, lowering expectations.  Loving this thought more would be impossible.  Expectations kill relationship with ourselves, our family, and our Heavenly Father.  The hurts that have been caused and the arguments that have ensued over unmet expectation is immeasurable.  Gentling, or easing, into conversation instead of conflict is worth practicing and (im)perfecting.

Clean slates, blank pages, an entire calendar before us of things that are not yet known.  It is scary to think about if you assume yourself alone, but to remember that each day has been preplanned for eternity to continually create you to be you is astounding.  Not each day will hold what we deem as good, but our eyes see so little of the story, of both our own stories and the ones of those around us.  The eyes that hold us each as an apple, the eyes that look down and know how we each relate to one another in the larger story of the Kingdom of God will never cease to show us that He is Good and He makes Good for us out of anything.

In this year, whether you choose your own word or not, make sure God is your source of sturdy joy, the thing you are living for, and the reason you do everything you do.

I will be praying for you in this, pray for me.

for when you are being taken to deeper places

It's been a year of waiting, a year of being asked by my all knowing Father to just wait.  Yes things are going to happen He said, Yes I am still working, always working, He promised, but you my girl, you need to just wait.  Wait for what is to come.  I spent the year waiting, waiting for what I did not know, sometimes thinking there was a giant party around the corner and if I sat still and patient the whole time He would jump out with a big gift and yell SURPRISE!

In the end, there was not exactly a party and then again maybe I should have thrown one myself because now sitting here and listing--obviously a list is involved if its me--the events of the year I can see His hand through it all and how the hardest of hards and the best of the best and even the sprinkle of surprises mixed in can only be designed by the one most creative of Creators and the Spirit within who thankfully navigates my directionally challenged soul.

Within this past year marked the second hardest event of my own life with the closing of my church and the loss of the stability of my church community, these people who have seen me and known me and me them through the darkest of times and the joyous of moments.  It also brought about a wealth of His good things, the first being a new calling in my life, a trajectory that only His will could vastly change.

Adding to the statistics of the year from the severe doubts that come with loss and confusion to enjoying my friends and family more as I fight to let go of the control I was never supposed to have, was brought about a better understanding of patience with life itself and the lesson that immediate solutions are not always, and honestly almost never, necessary.  Except in a true emergency, and not just what we want to place urgency on, there is always time for thought and prayer and the learning that what is happening will be clearer, or even over, after a mere 24 hour wait.  Added also, is that what seems broken, whether in a relationship, a requirement placed on yourself, or just a piece of furniture, was either not a needed item and can be let go or needs the time and care to be placed right again, something only the Gospel can bring.

Have you taken the opportunity to recognize the Good from your year?  Specifically those treasures hidden in the rock hard things bring.  Focus on that for a moment, look for His Good.

With every ending comes a beginning whether we are at the end of a year, the end of a day, or the end of a moment.  In the short journey for a new word to place as a compass for life in this next 365ish days there was a leading towards so many directions that it was assumed somewhere the world's magnetic pull had disappeared sending the needle spinning wildly.  Thoughts of the need for contentment rose in the most uncomfortable of ways and in the midst of reactions that do not drip with pride.  The desire to give what we have to others and take--accept--the treasures others have to give sent a warming smile throughout my being.

But confusion came next due to those words feeling awfully familiar.  After a bit of research through past writings, the mystery was solved as those were both words chosen in past years.  Contentment, give/take, and slow were each contemplated during the first three years of choosing a word to lead my thoughts.  Explore and enjoy was begrudgingly settled upon at the beginning of our year of infamy  and then after months and months of not understanding why I always felt so unsettled God in his violent love blew life up so that He could rebuild it.  Abide, onward, and wait took up the three years after taking me down roads never ventured that felt oddly comforting even in their unfamiliarity.  So here, this day, if my heart is hearing correctly which, lets face it, is never a guarantee, I am choosing the word deeper.

Deeper.  Deepening all parts of life.  Delving under to the depths of not only more that each of these words hold, but more of the parts of life given to me.  There has always been a temptation of skimming the surface; of doing what is expected, getting the jist, making it good enough for now until I can come back later and really invest.  Well that time is now.  Going deeper will take time, commitment, and discovering what is a priority and what is just distraction.  Going deeper is also not a place to venture alone.

When you choose to go deep spreading yourself thin is not an option, when you choose to go deep it will have to involve choosing less.  However, in the choosing of less, you will automatically get more.  More knowledge of a topic, more understanding of a person, more enjoyment from a moment, more gratification from an accomplishment, and more familiarity with a Father who has given your these opportunities to begin with.  

Madeline L'engle wrote "The times I have been most fully me are when I have been wholly involved in someone or something else; when I am listening, rather than talking...I look forward to deepening relationship with my husband, my children, my friends but knowing more of Him.  

That will be the best deepening of all.

So taking each of those past words chosen, I will rely on Grace given to delve deeper.  One at a time, a month or so at a time, starting with contentment, because in a life desiring to run hard after Christ that is where it needs to begin.

"One of the most beautiful fruits of grace is a heart that is content, more given to worship than demand and more given to the joy of gratitude than the anxiety of want. When you are satisfied with the Giver, because you have found in him the life you were looking for, you are freed from the ravenous quest for satisfaction that is the discouraging existence of so many people." Paul David Tripp

I hate to even attempt to guess how many times I will stumble, fall, and fail.  They will be countless.  I can promise you that, but I can also hold on to the promise of Hope that those new mercies do come each morning.  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; [because] GREAT is [His} faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23.  

Please remember there are an infinite number of endings that can happen in life which just means there are an infinite number of beginnings following them.  Choose next steps slowly, carefully, forgiving yourself when you hesitate, giving yourself grace when you falter and fall, all the time remembering that you were not meant to do it alone and not meant to accomplish all the things, just one at a time.

Find the one thing God is calling you to do next and go after it trusting that even if it feels like no progress is being made that He is working, always working, in the midst of everything; crafting in your heart, in your mind, and in your habits the emotions, thoughts, and skills needed to put into bodily action what is being prepared in Spirit.

I am praying for your next thing, for finding the direction you are being called, and for being able to delve deeply into it. Pray for me.

because it is a new year

Happiest of New Years to each and every one of you!

For one who desires to be ahead of the game, I always found myself feeling behind as soon as January 1st rolled around.  It felt as if everyone already had Christmas packed up and put away with a house simplified and cleaned out and resolutions written, posted, and beginning to be checked off.  The rushed feeling within was quite unwelcomed after a season of nothing but.  

A couple years ago I made a conscience decision to slow down.  To take each step not quite as quickly as I would have before and give myself, and my mind, time to be quiet, to listen before I began to plan, to speak, to act.  What resulted was the ability to have an unhurried Spirit even if life around continued to bustle at it's usual pace and there is no time that it is more appreciated than this day, the beginning of a new year.

Here I sit, still reflecting, smiling over and enjoying the memories of a December spent with family and friends celebrating the birth of our Savior, not feeling as if that is a time done and gone but one to relish and let settle before moving on.

Yes, sometime in the next few days there will be cleaning and organizing, planning and budgeting, and pondering of goals and desires for the year to come but for now there is quiet and thanksgiving that an old year has passed and a new one has come and spanning them both is my God guiding my vision for both.

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

naught be all else to me, save that thou art -

thou my best thought, by day or by night;

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word;

I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord.

Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,

thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.

Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise;

thou mine inheritance, now and always;

thou and thou only first in my heart,

high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,

may I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.