because he brings a felt difference

It is impossible to wake up and take one step out of the bed without seeing, hearing, or remembering something that is trying to get your attention.  If you are lucky, or maybe just more than human, there may only be one in the forefront of your mind, but for the majority the first opening of the eyes, the first sound that comes to the ears starts the assembly line track of responsibilities, needs, wants, distractions, and rabbit trails of the day.

Though a vague example to many, my deep in the throes of parenting young ones who watch cartoons self can, on countless mornings, hear in her head the deep overly dramatic voice of dear Mr. Pricklepants in the Toy Story Terror special saying "And so it begins!"  And so it does indeed, life in all its helter skelter, hurry scurry, hustle bustle beauty.

It never fails that by the end of the week there is a long list of items that were started and not finished, put on the back burner, or ignored completely.  Yes, yes it is not a secret that lists are my one weakness--please someone know that reference--but this time I am not referring to the tangible to dos of errands, appointments, and chores.

Instead, I am looking on the inside, thinking about the needs of the heart and soul, of what should have been and always be the main event being purposely pushed aside or accidentally left in mid meeting because something else popped up in its way.

A like minded chat was had about such a thing during a visit with family.  Outside in the almost fall like weather of North Georgia, I sat with my sister in law watching the children play, and doing what good southerners do, listening to a football game.  

This specific game did not capture my attention too much as it was a Bulldog playing instead of my Tiger of choice, but nonetheless I understood her thoughts because had it been the other way around those shoes would have definitely been filled with my feet.

As it became a little more possible that there would not be success for her group of boys on the field she asked her husband in a not at all freaking out and demanding voice to turn off the radio so that she could just sit in peace because what was blocking it had disappeared.

Empathetic to her dilemma, we discussed how relaxing it was to NOT watch and listen to football games.  To be sure, there are some who are able to sit and watch with no spikes at all in blood pressure, and while I no longer passionately and lovingly scream at the TV since my children were old enough to copy the behavior, I completely understand the peace of finding out later.  

When you are told after the fact that your team lost you can feel disappointed for a moment and go about your day, when you are told that your team won you can feel elated, maybe watch a few highlights, and then carry on.  But being in the middle of the stress brings to surface those emotional distractions and already said rabbit trails that knock you off course for longer than I'd care to admit.

Likewise, it is for these reasons that I will never write about politics, or to forewarn, any trending topic.  To share a well versed and educated view means research, engrossing yourself in the issues. All responsible things to be sure, but somewhere a twist can happen and the desire to keep abreast of current events turns into a desire to prove another wrong, to shout with a louder voice to prove your correctness while proving another's error in judgement.

Please hear me when I say not every football fan is mistaken in watching a game live or even taped, not every citizen passionate about politics is trampling on other's voices in a desire to make their's heard.  One is not holding sin in their hand by showing enthusiasm for their interests, but when that interest overtakes their thoughts, when that topic drives them instead of the other way around, when the moment your eyes open it is the first thing to demand attention there is cause to step back.

There are monumental times in my life where I restrained from dealing with issues that needed to be addressed and where I pretended everything was ok when not so deep inside I knew trouble was growing faster than I could stop it.  

I have learned, the hard way of course because is there really any other, what avoidance is and it is safe to say that that is not the problem my heart is feeling today.  The issue instead is prioritizing.  What comes first?  Who should I be shouting about instead?

"The best thing I [we] can offer this world is a well tended spirit, a wise and brave soul" says Shauna Niequist in her most recent book, so why is it that instead we so often offer up haphazard, depthless, brief and careless versions of ourselves in its place?

The quick and easy answer is because the focus is on a million other things instead of the One True need.  This is a Truth that not many already believers can argue with and that other non believers might be able to understand easily as well, however as my pastor would always remind us hearing and understanding is only half the goal, there needs to be that conviction in your gut before that Truth comes out in your life.

Please say it's not just me?  However if it is, then let this be another step of growth along the path coming closer to Him.

My father-in-law spoke of it this way in the sermon we were able to hear on our visit this past weekend, "For us to hallow, or sanctify, His name means that we give God the supreme place, that we set Him above all else in our thoughts, affections and lives."

Placing the bulk, the first fruits if you will, of our attention on God, our loving Father and Comforter, means He takes His rightful place in our lives.  He becomes Center Stage and those laundry list of items that come with life on this earth lose their neon signs demanding immediate attention or else. Even those stressful events or topics of conversation that some can not wait to argue about while others can't wait to hide from can be enjoyed or experienced from a place of peace, a place of compassion, because instead of your human heart leading the way, your spirit filled one is guiding instead.

There is a noticeable different in conversation, in heart's desires, in relationships, in blood pressure for goodness sake, when He is first.  It's not just a Sunday School answer, though it's a good one, it's a felt difference.

I sat across the table from a woman recently who in a mere ten minutes of sharing stories taught me more about following God's call in a life than the 34 previous years of mine. In a sentence, spoken with love, delivered with tears brimming, she said "There is no more perfect place to be than in the center of God's will"  I'll be unpacking that one for awhile!

My heart aches for many in this world, but none more than someone who doesn't know, who hasn't felt, the complete presence of peace that comes through Christ.  Regardless of the road you are walking, there is no more perfect place to be than with Him.

While we are all learning the same Truths from the same God, each of our hearts understands and is pricked by different things.  It's the amazing way He works, using our individual loves to bring us closer to Him.  Think about your hot button issues or your cold shouldered ones and place them lower where they deserve to be while asking Him to bring your attention higher where your spirit needs it to be.  It's not an easy task so

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

because you are not alone

--I may or may not have had to take a minute to dance around and sing "You are not alone" with my best MJ voice and moves.  Sorry, or perhaps you are welcome, if you have to take a minute yourself to get a similar experience out of your system.--

A few months ago while preparing dinner I tested myself.  It had been a great stretch of time since my last emotional meltdown, so obviously I assumed the hurt was all gone, I was all healed up and ready to go.  The root digging experience had come, my milestone day was circled in my heart and head, so why not see if I could handle it.

 

I immersed myself in a past hurt and it took only seconds to feel myself begin to slide...

Six plus hours of constant tears,  numerous text message conversations, a threat of bodily harm from my best friend if I ever did that again, and more than a few hugs from my love took up the rest of my day and the wee hours into the next. But as He always promises to do, Good came.  I can never screw up enough to keep that from happening, neither can you, amen and hallelujah.

 

Hurt can trigger countless things, but in the midst of the past memories emerging, thankfulness pops up as well, and it's friend courage follows close behind as you are reminded again of His faithfulness and the long road you have already walked.

The next morning, after weeks of debating, chickening out, then thinking about it again, I told Zach I needed a not so small chunk of money to invest into my future, after getting the you should absolutely do it response I needed, I registered for SheSpeaks and also requested to be placed on a list to meet with two publishers during the weekend.  Deep breath.

This past weekend I drove through Atlanta rush hour traffic complete with thunderstorm to Charlotte, checked into a hotel all alone, sent more than one frantic tear-filled, fear-filled message describing how completely unequipped I am and how I think I'll just leave because obviously this was a mistake, received more than one "you can do this" message in return, and then fell asleep feeling like a teenager all over again getting ready for her first day of high school.

Over the next two days full of freezing conference center temperatures, beautiful decorations, fantastic food, poignant messages, and 800 other women four words were whispered into my heart over and over again...

I walked in completely alone, received my registration packet, then took my husband's advice and found a table that appeared to have another girl flying solo.  After initial hellos, conversation started and after 15 minutes I found myself at a table full of seven other singles who God turned into a group.  In less than an hour I was taking a picture with said ladies at a cutely decorated spot for photo ops that after passing first thing that morning had left me pondering how pathetic I would look taking a picture there alone.

These lovely ladies and I shared meals, stories, social media accounts, email addresses, phone numbers, hugs, pictures and even car rides.  They are now not only friends, but coworkers for Christ across the country.  Ladies who share similar thoughts, aspire to similar roles, and feel similar feelings of hope, anticipation, and for sure more than a little doubt for the future.

You are not alone.

Standing in the hallway of a hotel conference center two states away from home I glanced up and saw a familiar face.  A woman who runs in a similar circle, a woman I bump into constantly in the oddest places, a woman that until this weekend I might not have described as a friend but now is not only that, but a woman I would call on for prayer in any situation.

You are not alone.

At the first session, after the inward debate of where to sit, I found myself right in front of another Sarah May also from the Atlanta area. No joke.  We laughed, we talked, we took advantage of a photo op, we waved in passing, we even found ourselves twinning on day 2 in our kimonos.

You are not alone.

My entire weekend went a similar way.

One speaker shared a marital past that compares to mine.  Another shared about waiting for her calling to be revealed and then waiting again for it to come to fruition.  Over and over again more words lovingly and transparently shared that encouraged and spoke to specific fears, specific needs.

You are not alone.

In the hotel lobby before leaving for the second morning of the conference a conversation was struck up over the coffee/tea bar and an offer for a ride to the center was extended from me to two ladies from San Francisco.  A lengthy conversation between myself and one of them was about foster care and the cycle of abuse that goes on and on and both of our hearts that ached for the people caught in the vicious circle.

You are not alone.

Before one publisher meeting a stranger stopped by to hand me a hug and a jar of mints with a note attached.  Before another, I was stopped in the hall and prayed for by a fellow attendee who initiated conversation in a previous meeting. Then while waiting for our appointments, the woman sitting next to me and I discovered that she knew my husband's parents quite well and had attended his church and was also a youth leader for one of my sister in laws years ago. 

You are not alone.

Recently my PCA pastor Father in law shared a mini sermon with us at our family reunion.  In it he suggested that in a way we each wake up every morning as unbelievers, needing to be reminded of the gospel, of the Truths we know we know but can't always remember.  Preaching the gospel to ourselves daily is a necessity so that our hearts are available to see the times we need to share that gospel with others.

Yes, take homes from the She Speaks conference included an adorable necklace, a conference notebook full of things to ponder, a renewed passion and assurance that I might possibly be traveling in the right directions, contacts, networking, and a core group of co writers for Jesus to lean on for support and pull from for inspiration.  But the number one take home was the reminder that my God, my Creator, the one who sent His Son who placed His Spirit in my heart, is unendingly faithful.  He holds me, little bitty me, in the palms of His hands, and loves me.  He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. (Col. 1:17) Even me.  Even you.  Even us.  Especially us.

It is not necessary to travel to a conference, or travel anywhere for that matter, to realize the Truth of not being alone, the tangible feeling of never being left or forsaken.  All it takes is a glance around to see what has been placed before you, to see who is before all of your things and who is holding you together.  Can you see it?

I'll be praying that you can see countless ways that you too are not alone.  Praying that you know how much you are loved by an Almighty Father.  Praying that you know that you are being held right there in the palm of His hands.  

I'll be praying for you.  Pray for me.

consistently inconsistent

For twenty minutes this morning I reread through past writings, some shared through May Days some here but hidden, out it in the open, before the courage to share had begun.

I was in search of something to repost, to share again, or for the first time, because the possibility of having some alone writing time today seemed, well impossible.  More than one conversation has been had in the last few days about the epidemic of exhaustion on the faces and bodies of mamas, daddies, teachers, coaches, and anyone counting down the days for school to end and today was just another day with multiple engagements on the calendar.

As I read and searched nothing seemed quite right, nothing seemed to fit the thoughts I would have for right now, for this day, for this time and season.  Not because the words I read I now disagree with or felt could no longer be helpful or encouraging for someone.

No, all the words I read brought forward many memories, a few smiles, and more than desired hardships, but above all infinite thanks because where I was then I no longer am.  Even with the numerous similarities that were brought up of busy schedules, blonde boys, and overwhelming doubt that forever attempts to shadow all of life there was enough different to make me think.  Within them I found a hidden gem, a beautiful reminder of faithfulness and sovereignty.

Life is consistently inconsistent, but we are dearly loved through it all.

There will always be Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring.  There will always be scary or exciting beginnings.  There will always be sad or triumphant endings.  There will always be friendships.  There will always be heartbreak.  There will always be loss.  There will always be gains.  But none of them will happen the same way twice.  All of them will cycle around, over and over in a variety of scenes played out as you go through life seeing, experiencing, and being taken through the challenges and joys that mold and sanctify your heart.  But in all the consistent inconsistencies there will always be growth.  

During counseling, which I recommend to anyone whether you think you need it or not, when I would get frustrated about having to deal with emotions that I was confident I had gotten past, my pastor would just remind me that I was "a yo-yo on an elevator." I might be doing, dealing with, the same thing over and over but each time I was higher up, I had grown a bit since the previous emotional meltdown, for want of a better word.  I was better equipped to understand, to trust, and to recover.

It always reminds me of a poignant line from a beautiful character in a favored show of mine growing up..."we ain't what we should be, we ain't what we're gonna be, but at least we ain't what we were."

It's a beautiful thing to look back and see you are not where you were, but it can be a terrifying thing to look ahead and wonder where you are going to be and if you're even going to make it.  Whether the road ahead is bubbling with excitement like college after high school graduation, moving to a different town, starting a new job or racked with the fearful unknown like carrying forward after a devastating loss or heartbreak or working through an experience or relationship where the outcome is still uncertain, you can rest assured that there is Hope, there is promise of renewal, there is growth that will carry you on through the next thing and next thing proving again that you are held in the hand of a loving God who is ever faithful.

No matter what part of your own cycle you are going through right now, I'll be praying for you.  Pray for me.

could have

Spring schedules are bursting just as much as the gardens around me with new things popping up and the same familiar ones growing bigger.  It's almost May.  It's almost the end of the school year, so this is to be expected no matter how much I try, kind of like childbirth, to block out the memories from the previous year.

Today's schedule included a first grade field trip to the zoo, piano lessons, a quick dinner out and a baseball game complete with an hour long warm up then will end with finally getting back home to get boys in bed before putting away all the laundry and hopefully holding an intelligent conversation with my husband before passing out in bed and waking up to tackle tomorrow's to-dos. 

I'm even getting a jump start as I'm writing on a Tuesday while listening through the wall to a duet of This Land is Your Land that my oldest is practicing with his piano buddy for an upcoming recital.  Taking advantage of a brief quiet moment to center my mind and point my heart towards the One who is infinitely bigger than me brings an instantaneous peace to the scurry and instead highlights the joys and opportunities that come from delving into community.

He keeps me in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.  Isaiah's words are a permanent fixture on my body so that they will one day become a permanent fixture in my heart.

Last week after thinking about deeper conversation, a deeper conversation occurred.  Pondering often encourages us to put those thoughts into practice and more often than not we are blessed with feeling the presence of God in return.  Not that He wasn't there to begin with but that our hearts are ready and willing to search and see and notice the effect of being in His presence.

I wish I could remember how the topic came to be, but like most worthwhile conversations it was a twisting maze of rabbit trails that stopped with an ever so brief sharing focused on thankfulness and what could have been before blasting off to the next topic at hand.  It's amazing what ground two women can cover in an hour or so of stolen time.  It's also amazing what can stick with you out of countless other things.

Triggered by whatever conversation was happening, from across the table my friend looked at me and said "I could have...and then relayed a possible negative consequence to choices made earlier in life. I in turn responded with my own equally negative outcome that could have drastically altered every part of who I am today and where I live. And so went, both female brains going back and forth as we said and thought about all the things that could have been that aren't.

Could haves are too often used for regrets.  Things we should have done but didn't, wanted to do but were too scared, did but wish we'd never, until we live life wishing for time back and never seeing the beauty in what we were able to live, and with whom we are able to live it.

Non stop since last week I have been thinking and listing over and over the things that could have been that I'm so thankful weren't and recognizes the new ones that occur on a daily basis.  The times I wasn't paying close attention that could have resulted in a car accident.  The stupid teenage decisions I made that could have resulted in more than high school heartbreak or bad memories.  The times my words and actions were not filled with love and kindness but relationships remained intact.  The times I ignored instead of helped but saw another helper come alongside instead reminding me to step out next when the opportunity arose again.  The times I didn't behave like a woman whose heart has been redeemed but felt loved and forgiven despite my sinfulness.  In all these times and many more being given grace, love, and mercy instead of what was deserved, being shown the true gospel over and over because it needs to be spoken to us everyday.

There are plenty of opportunities to learn from mistakes, to take the consequences from your choices and weigh them and allow them to change you and change others around you from example.  Too often it seems as if learning the hard way is a special skill that my love and I possess and there are many who are sailing in the same boat.  But for every hard consequence is a saving grace.  While we are asked to be thankful in all things, no matter the angle from which you look, these times spent feeling truly and deeply thankful for what could have been, for the grace given and tragedy avoided, for the tangible representation of slow to anger and abounding in love, draw you even deeper into relationship with your Heavenly Father as you see His character played out in your life.

Take a moment in the bustling of Spring and find a could-have-been that didn't, a non-coincidental, completely and sovereignly planned instance of an outpouring of grace, love, and mercy.  The more you look the more you'll find until you can't help but sit in silent awe at the way in which you are loved and cared for as you walk with Him.

Even in the hardest of hard, especially in that, search and find the could haves in your life and the life of those around you.  He has never left you or forsaken you.

I hope you'll try it and as you do, I'll be praying for you.  Pray for me.    

You don't have to be perfect

"You don't have to be perfect."

Written in my brief bio on one of the many social media venues is 'wife, mama, and recovering perfectionist who is continuously learning to cling to the righteousness of Christ instead of her own.'  A needed reminder as I go about my minutes, hours, and days expecting myself to be more than I'm capable of, more than I am asked to be.

Last night with a large glass of the only wine I have so far trained myself to like, I recounted my day's events to my husband who had a heckuvah day himself.  There were no tragedies, no life altering difficulties, and with my self enforced 24 hour time lapse I can see the array of positives that were scattered throughout, but during the retelling there was frustration and defeat.

The domino effect of things out of my control, not happening in the way they were planned to happen, caused delays, no car, lots of walking in the Georgia heat with a four year old, exhaustion, missed meals, another late bedtime for boys, late night chores for mama and left me feeling wiped out and a wee bit teary. 

 

These side effects were not from the various situations themselves but the thought of how I could have handled them all better than the "I didn't snap at anyone or have an emotional meltdown."  Second guessing is my hobby and guilt a constant unwanted companion so the list of could haves and should haves doesn't ever take long to compile and begin their finger shaking and looks of shock and shame.

Hindsight is always 20/20, lessons can be learned from each and every situation and sanctification continues for as long as we walk this earth.  But reflection and correction is much different than self deprecation.

After the glass was empty and my husband shared that the lack of snapping and melting were actual successes in his view and not the failed test I assumed them to be I felt the words again in my heart.

"You don't have to be perfect."

A search for truth brought me to this..."It is true that the Bible calls us to be "perfect as [our] heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). The Greek word for perfect here is telios. It means “brought to its end, completed, or perfect.” So, to be “perfect” in this sense is not how perfectionists so often imagine it. Rather, it is to be completed in Christ. Philippians 1:6 says that completion is the work of God. He created us, saved us, and is faithful to perfect us."

"You don't have to be perfect"

This is my Good Will Hunting statement.
The one that bears repeating.
The one that when lovingly said over and over will simultaneously wreck me but uplift me, hurt me but heal me.  It leads me straight to where I always need to be, abiding in Christ and leaning solely upon the work He's done.

My question is what is yours?  What are the words you need to hear over and over until you finally believe them and then again when they seem to slip away.  We are all learning the same lessons, they just come through a never-ending variety of experiences.  But at the beginning, middle and end of all of them is a loving Father drawing you to Him by whispering in your ear, and shouting when necessary, the words that pierce your flesh so they can touch your Spirit.

let it all shine

Months ago, while chatting with the one in my life with whom I share my greatest desires, biggest excitements, largest failures, and unfortunately, ugliest attitudes, the subject of the future came up and with it the past as well, because more often than not conversations with one always need to involve the other.  Let me pause here to say, if you have a person, any person, in your life who will ask you what your dream is and listen while you ramble on about its ins and outs you are a lucky one indeed.  If you have a person, any person, who will not only listen but speak truth directly into that dream that simultaneously encourages and challenges than you have been given a blessed gift. Treasure it.

That night ambitions towards sharing, towards writing it down were verbalized.  Fantasies of feeling confident enough in sharing our story and not only how God has radically changed my life, my heart, but how He continually does so because it is continually needed, so very needed, were said out loud. I feel very strongly that the creator of the universe was asking me to say a big fat yes to letting down my guard and being transparent for Him.  I don't remember the complete response given from the mouth of the man who has vowed to be with me forever, but I remember one small sentence of loving advice that has been saved in black and white since that evening rooting itself into my heart and head and trying to make its way through and into each letter placed upon every page, "If you want to be transparent you have to do it when it's not pretty too."

Children raised in church or attending a summer VBS with a friend or even in the gypsy village fields of Romania know a familiar to most of us song about having a light and not hiding it under a bushel.  Oh no, friend let that light shine!  As you get older you hear the words to that childlike song in the verses of Matthew 5:14-16 when you read about "being a light on a hill that cannot be hidden (vs 14)" and "not lighting a lamp and putting it under a basket (vs 15) and "shining your light before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify God. (vs 16)"  It's easy and quite tempting to read those words and decide on your own that only the good stuff can be shared, best foot forward, spit spot, off you go, and so on.

If you've ever interviewed for a job of any kind some well meaning person will make sure to tell you that you can only make one first impression.  You have also probably been told, as I was, that in that interview when you are inevitably asked to name 3 or more of your negative qualities make sure they are actually good qualities in disguise.  When speaking to the wonderful people who became my principal and instructional lead teacher I laced my negatives with words the required positives describing how it was hard for me to disconnect myself from my students, I just cared too much.  While that was technically true the actual thing I wanted to confess was I have no idea how to deal with the parents of my students, I'm not a parent (wasn't at the time) and all the students in my previous experience (Auburn City Schools) were pretty much perfect.  Had I just spit that out instead and asked for help in that specific area I would have avoided a lot of anxiety and a few missteps.

I like making good impressions, I appreciate not falling on my face for all the world to see, I feel accomplished when people think I have it all together, I relish the allusion that I have control.  Anybody feel me?  But behind that, poking and prodding my heart, is the knowledge that I'm hiding just as much light when I'm trying on my own to just shine all the pretty.  Speaking right to the heart of my attempts are more words that are simultaneously encouraging and challenging.  "Am I now trying to win approval of human beings, or of God?  Or am I trying to please people?  If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal. 1:10)"

Our desires to be "good" southerners, to be "good" Christians, to tow the line, to not air our dirty laundry, to never step right or left but only go straight, to be model moms or dads or teachers or decorators or drivers or advice givers or whatever fills in the blank for you, hides part of the light we have been given through the life God has led and will lead us through. "There's no going back, and there's no hiding the information.  So let everyone have it." ~Andrew Kantor

When God uses all things for good (Rom. 8:28) that does not mean only the parts you have shined up and put on a shelf to show off.  It means all the things, the ones you want to hide, the ones you haven't been able to hide, and the ones that haven't happened yet but most assuredly will seeing that we are all sinful people walking on earth.  The good, the bad, and the ugly are redeemed for Him, are there to shine in the midst of the darkness for the good of you, the good of another, and the Glory of our Creator.

"The story of redemption and healing is that Jesus came to exchange my not-good-enough with his better-than-I-could-ever-imagine.  He came to trade my life for His, my weak for His strong, my ashes for His beauty.  He longs for each of us to receive the gift of Himself."  Emily P. Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl.  And what better way to do that than shining all of you and showing that you know your best are rags in His eyes but you also are proof that your worst is beauty for Him as well for in them He works and redeems and shows that you are loved more than you can ever imagine and the eyes around you will know that they are as well.

In the pretechnology era of church-going when transparency was not just a sharing of your whole self but an actual clear sheet reflecting words on a wall, this girl took her Sunday turns uncovering the next lines that let those in a building know the words to sing next.  Like the loving nudge I would get when my mind wandered, here is my nudge for you.  Try transparency and let your dirt shine.

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

more encouraging words at #tellhisstory

nothing is wasted

I have always been quite skilled at learning from others, at gaining wisdom from observing the actions and decisions made by those close to me whether that be emotionally or just in close proximity.  The goody goody part of me formed lists in my mind of others' missteps so I would most assuredly not do those things.  The rebel inside of me, though quite short lived, made a list of its own of what I could quite possibly get away with without going too far over the line.  The line, I may add, that I created all on my own.  It could be quite entertaining/humiliating for me to share specifics, but even though I am a grown woman of almost mid 30, my mother will be reading and outing myself, or my siblings who I learned much from that applies to both lists, is something I'm not planning to do.  Maybe in a decade or two.  Until then I'm an open book in private conversations so let's grab some tea and chat away!

Growing older brings more experience and wisdom and my observation skills are now used less for the legalism I heaped upon myself and more for grown up type things.  When I'm not in denial that I actually AM a grown up.  Reading articles, blogs, books and magazines hone skills from decorating and cooking to parenting and loving my neighbor but always at the top of my to learn list will come from watching those around me and gleaning from the field in which I'm planted at the time.  You can learn a great deal about how to live or not live life by being present in each place you find yourself.  Learning from your own failures and successes as well as others just provides more information to process and place in the appropriate file folders of your mind to be pulled when needed.

One such positive thing I have gleaned from my years of listening and observing is to pray with my boys on the way to school each day.  A friend shared many years ago that the way they spent their travel time to school was to take turns praying about the day.  As she put it you're already together and have nothing else to do but talk so why not start the day talking to God.  At the time she shared her story her kids were in middle school so their conversations with our creator were somewhat different than ours.  As praying aloud is still a difficult thing for some young ones, and can often take on a three wishes to the genie persona, guidelines were set in place so that they do three things in the midst of their chat.  The first is to thank God for something, then to ask God for something and finally to pray for someone else.  As much as I encourage thinking before speaking they inevitably get in a rut so that almost every morning each child's words sound very similar to the day before and quite similar to the one who just spoke ahead of him.  Sigh.  But there are moments when clouds part, angels sing, and brief words of true thought, compassion, and kindness emerge and I know that their hearts really are growing.

It was this child-like, wishes to be granted take on prayer that popped into my mind this past Sunday when reading and discussing John 14 with my loving community group.  Jesus told his disciples And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it (John 14:13).  I can't help but stop when I read verses like this, verses that when taken just in a sentence seem very akin to the list of wants that are always running in my head.  The things I "need" to have a better life or so I determine.  It's hard not to want to apply it to those worldly desires.  I promise Lord they're the desires of my heart, no really!

 I am not a theologian.  I have zero knowledge of what words in the original greek or hebrew were translated to create this sentence.  But I know what finally made sense in my mind as conversation continued.  As Jesus spoke to his beloveds, the ones closest to him both in proximity and emotionally, He was giving them a charge.  A promise.  You've watched what I've done, you've observed me with the people around us, and now when I'm gone, when I'm with my father, you will do these things.  You will be my hands and feet.  And whatever you ask in my name I will do for you because through that Kingdom work He will be glorified.

I am not a failure, but I'm also not a stranger to failing.  There is a semi constant struggle in my heart of how I can be more, how I can do more, and how I'm always falling short.  A few moments with many others has led me to know I am not alone in that inner turmoil.  However I have been reminded, I know again, that the beautiful words sung by Jason Gray nothing is wasted, in the hands of our redeemer, nothing is wasted are truth beyond a shadow.  In the midst of each of our current battles, current pains, current heartbreaks, current doubts, current feelings of wanting and needing to be more, we have a promise that as we have our being anything we ask in His name, anything we lift to Him as our Kingdom work, no matter how much we excel at it or how badly we feel as if we've screwed it up, none of it, in His hands is wasted.  He redeems it all.

                                 

steadfast

British accents, a beautiful countryside, powerful music, an independent female character, and a soft but strong man who inevitably sweeps her off her feet.  There seems to be a trend in the films that hold their place in my top ten.  Pride and Prejudice is affectionately known as my crafting movie that always seems to be on when creative juices are flowing.  I watch Sense and Sensibility every time I feel under the weather.  It's mix of heartache and happy endings never fails to give me a boost.  About Time, though not a period movie, has made me ponder how I desire to live my life more than any movie I've ever seen and even the Sound of Music, my always number one, while set in Austria had leads that did not try to hide the Brit behind their voices.  

Better than being swept along in these fictional places is having friends who love escaping there with you.  Last night I was introduced by a friend who shares an affinity for all things England to another countryside that didn't have the royal overtones of say P&P or another little obsession of mine that comes on PBS every Sunday evening.  There was no quick wit and fast speak like so many of Jane Austen's books that have come alive on screen.  Far From the Madding Crowd, based on Thomas Hardy's novel, contained all the consistent characteristics that immediately capture my heart and added in was a character so patient and steadfast that still this morning I can't help but focus on that trait alone.  Much like the gift you open that although doesn't bring immediate cries of joy and excitement is so constantly used that it, unlike the shiny you also received, becomes valued and appreciated treasure.

God uses the world around us to speak to our hearts.  Through His word obviously, through the people He has placed in our lives, and very often for me through works of art.  If the heavens declare the glory of God (Psalm 19:1) and if since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made,  so that people are without excuse (Romans 1:20) surely it is not an odd leap to see Him and hear Him through the venues inspired by creation itself.  Plus once a ponderer always a ponderer and what better way to get lost in thoughts than through a world that is not your own.  I am more than a little amused that my version of escape is very often God's version of getting me exactly where He wants me.  Stop and think about that one in your own life for a second and I will a guarantee it ends with a "huh? well played sir." and fist bump to the heavens.

While on a path of waiting, whether you know exactly what you are waiting for or are just moving forward until whatever end goal is revealed it can be quite tempting to take matters into your own hands in various ways.  

One of the most tempting things to do, because many of us see waiting as an inefficient use of our time, is to run, not away but forward, because if you ask my three boys it obviously gets you anywhere faster.  However also if you ask my three boys it very often results in tripping over an obstacle you didn't quite see because of the full out sprint you were in therefore leading you to being sprawled out on the grass crying in pain over whatever you just injured.  I might have experience with this one as well.

Another strategy is to try and take your own short cut, to assume that formerly mentioned inefficient use of time could be resolved if instead of waiting you forged another path on your own assuming that will get you to the same destination.  This one can be tricky to learn from because if you are blessed with the ingrained map skills of my husband it seems to achieve the desired goal although I daresay that short cut was brimming with self doubt, confusion, and panic while weaving in and out of streets unknown.  On the other side, if you have the extreme lack of directional skills that I possess, the short cut method inevitably just gets you stuck somewhere you weren't planning to go and the only way out is to backtrack or call for help.  

The last, somewhat confusing misstep in a season of waiting is to do the actual thing, to wait.  I know that sounds contrary, but all too often our "waiting' consists of sitting crisscross applesauce on the road to the next thing twiddling our thumbs assuming that when the opportune time comes we can just stand back up again and go merrily about our way.  I love that Oswald Chambers said "...we are to rest in the Lord, not to rust."  I can't help but think of the tin man frozen on the side of the road.  No, it takes a good bit of oil to get back on our feet after being so closed up.

Every scripture holds a promise, every scripture brings Hope.  When it says Therefore my brother be steadfast and immovable always abounding in work for the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain (1 Cor 15:58) then what I'm doing, if for Him, is never a waste of my time no matter how painstakingly, frustratingly slow going it feels.  

You see, when it comes down to it, the problem is not whether or not God is directing my path or that Christ made the way or that the Spirit is next to me on the road.  That is and always will be true.  The problem is whether or not I am faithfully following and patiently waiting as I go for what will come next and what will continue after.  Am I being steadfast?

I love that at the end of the movie, patience won out, steadfastness was rewarded and spoiler alert, it also will for you, and for me, as we follow God's will in our lives.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised (Hebrews 10:36)  Christ's work is done and that promise has already been fulfilled, now let Him show you how He will carry it to completion in your life as you wait and walk steadfastly with Him.

floodplain

Water is rushing past every view from my home.  If I want to see waterfalls splashing onto rocks and hear the calming sound of a babbling brook I need only stand on the back porch.  The front door will lead me to the simple view of a small river running down one street and then turning the right angle onto another.  The view from my chair, which is the place I am in as I write, leads my eyes to the widest view.  Staring out my favorite window reveals a delta like picture where the small rivers from the separate parts of our yard and the neighbor's behind us all converge to spread out and after flowing 50 feet or so form the twin lakes that the next door neighbor now posseses.

We are in no danger from where we sit, which is something not to be taken for granted.  There are many people across town who live by overflowing rivers and streams that have swelled well past capacity.  In our small community, roads are being closed, crawl spaces are being filled, and foundations are holding their breath as water creeps closer.  The entire southeast and midwest have been experiencing torrential downpour for what seems like weeks leaving yards, belongings, days and moods soggy at best and life threatening at worst.  

Filling yet another rainy day inside is easy for boys who are finally home from Christmas travels and anxious to play with all the new goodies and gadgets they had to quickly leave behind after morning opening was done.  For me, my initial plans to pack up, clean and organize before the new year hits changed instead to holing up in my comfy spot to download pictures, stare out the window and think about the ground that just doesn't seem to be able to soak up anything else.  

I never claimed to be an exciting person, but quiet and consistent are lovable characteristics too, or so I'm told.

If you follow our May Days, you may be familiar with my oxymoronical thankful rant.  A few weeks have gone by and in that time my music loving husband and I were sitting in a car when he asked me to sit and listen to a new song by one of my personal favs, Sara Groves.  She has a knack for writing songs that will surely be on the soundtrack of my life.  I sat, as commanded, listening intently about hearts that are built on floodplains.  The head of the nail was indeed hit.

No matter what pictures we conjure up in our heads, deep down we know nobody has it altogether, but there are those who it seems are constantly knee deep in their own troubles, helping others out of theirs, or at least walking and wading along side. Their actions and hearts keep them living in a floodplain, a place in the midst of where frequent, overwhelming, past capacity experiences occur.  It's not as if the individuals are sitting and waiting for danger to come to live out heroic dreams or hoping for the other shoe to drop so to speak because life with drama is so much more exciting.  The truth comes somewhere in the bridge, because it brings us to our knees.  

Somehow we convince ourselves, I convince myself, that troubles come from punishment alone.  As if there is a giant tit for tat system that must remain tied at all times.  When truly it comes just because this is not our true home, and God apologizes not at all for reminding us through a variety of things where we are created to be and long for, a lesson that tends to be the ending point of all my questioning.  Counting it all joy comes from being intimate with your creator and savior, being on your knees in lament and thankfulness alike.  Being drawn closer through conversation and sharing. As a child of God lessons learned are not so much because of what we see, experience, and learn but what we are shown, brought through, and taught.  Semantics maybe, but Truth for sure.

Living a life of faith in Christ is not a paved road to paradise as Christian learned frequently in the classic Pilgrim's Progress.  It's a rocky, curvy, covered with roots, dangers, and sometimes human-eating trolls road.  Kyle Idleman warned us that "following Jesus will cost us something...it always costs us something" when he was questioning a Christ follower's true commitment in Not A Fan.  And Jesus himself was more than a little upfront when in the gospels he told that rich young ruler that eternal life would come from giving up all he had to follow Him.  (Mark 10, Matthew 19, Luke 18)

Try as I might to store up pretty treasures on earth and to race as fast as I can to higher ground, it's not where my heart is calling me to go, it's not where God is commanding me to go.  When I look inside it's very similar to the view outside my window.  This stretch of grass that looks as if it can't handle one more thing poured upon it, will in fact soak in the storm, soften from the experience, and grow greener full of faith that when the next thing comes it will be no different.  Although I make no promises that there won't be some angry stomping in the puddles, I rejoice because I have Truth that brings Hope.  My heart is not my own, it was purchased long ago, and for now it's residence is the floodplains on the earth until I'm called Home.

"Floodplain"

Some hearts are built on a floodplain
Keeping one eye on the sky for rain
You work for the ground that gets washed away
When you live closer

Closer to the life and the ebb and flow
Closer to the edge of I don’t know
Closer to that’s the way it goes
Some hearts are built on a floodplain

And it’s easy to sigh on a high bluff
Look down and ask when you’ve had enough
Will you have the sense to come on up
Or will you stay closer

Closer to the danger and the rolling deep
Closer to the run and the losing streak
And what brings us to our knees
Some hearts live here

Oh the river it rushes to madness
And the water it spreads like sadness
And there’s no high ground
And there’s no high ground
Closer to the danger and the rolling deep
Closer to the run and the losing streak
And what brings us to our knees

Closer to the life and the ebb and flow
Closer to the edge of I don’t know
Closer to Lord please send a boat
Some hearts are built here

is it real?

I am apprehensive to mention something so incredibly present day.  Should I refer to something that is so current that years from now when my children are bored and have nothing else to read besides the words their mama needed to get out of her soul will they instead be completely confused because they have zero point of reference?  I compare it to the sitcoms I love but know would make me laugh harder if I had any clue of the who or what they were speaking about.  However, a line spoken made me think and while the person it came from will doubtfully be remembered 50 years past unlike other memorable characters, the thoughts he brought can be remembered even if the source never will.

Recently I saw a movie.  It was not the epic, twenty years in the making, block buster we just got home from, instead it's another current favorite, the fourth part of a trilogy (yeah, it makes little sense but that's the trend nowadays) featuring a courageous woman, two men who love her, and thousands who will follow her anywhere.  One of the men is damaged, brainwashed by evil, and struggling to make sense of what should be a world and people he understands.  Unable to discern correctly what is going on around him he is constantly bouncing back and forth within his mind of who the real enemy is and causing grave damage to people he should be trusting.  There comes a pivotal moment of complete brokenness and transparency when he shares this struggle with those around him.  In this moment a friend extends a piece of advice, when encountered by a dark thought don't give into it, instead ask the question "is it real?"

I remembered this line from the book, and was anxiously awaiting it sitting besides my sister-in-law in the theater.  The emotion it was delivered with far surpassed the emotion I had constructed while reading, and my imagination flies. In that exchange of words was an outstretched hand that produced peace.  A moment of healing.  A moment that began a road to redemption of a heart that was still buried inside.  A moment where words were uttered that give us aid in our own times of battle and doubt.

Just like this fictional boy in his fictional mind, we are encountered with dark thoughts that lie to us and try to convince us of things that are not.  In these moments we are forced to try to make sense of the swirling contradictions within our minds.  

I, with very little effort, can invent grand schemes in my head.  If Zach is late obviously there's been  a tragic car accident.  If one of the boys sleeps later than usual I am tempted to go check their breathing.  If a friend has to cancel plans or doesn't call me back part of me wonders if I did something wrong.   The suggestions come full force at times but usually slowly and secretly and systematically as if on a calendar.  Lies are whispered in my ear, past hurts are brought glaringly back to the surface, and roadblocks are put up at methodical precision.  I can not begin to count the number of times I have found myself falling into a pit of desperation at the fear that I am not truly loved, that the people in my life need me more than they actually want me, and that I am quite possibly superfluous.

Like all of us who struggle with something, I would just convince myself that I was alone in my thoughts, or crazy or just hypersensitive and needed to buck up.   Lie upon lie upon lie.  But then comes that milestone day, that day that we can mark in a calendar as the day that we become brave enough to speak our thoughts out loud or God grants us the ability to hear someone else's brave confessions and in seconds peace is felt.  Thankfully I am loved beyond measure, even when I've convinced myself otherwise, and I was able to hear the honest words of another person as he shared his ability to convince himself that he too means nothing, was nothing and there, in fact I felt peace.  It was not because I was miraculously healed of all doubts ready to only hold myself in the highest regard,  It was simply that I finally understood that while there may be some sin of mine behind the doubt, because all our actions and thoughts are riddled with it, the words inducing my conflict, like his, were not real, they were not from Truth.  It merely, and sadly, comes from walking in this broken world.  This world full of false images, false situations, false struggles hidden behind false smiles.

I'm not saying the answer to the question is it real? will never be yes.  But until you stop and search your heart, until you stop letting the words you feel consume you and start asking questions in return, until you take that moment to say out loud the words swimming in your head causing destruction to yourself for sure and to the others around you as well, you will be stuck in a place that God does not desire you to be, a place that is the opposite of abiding in the protective wings of a Savior.  Our minds can wander of our own inclination, and our minds can be twisted through the plans of another, but a mind steadfast on God will be in perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3).  So like my sweet Connor who during a bad dream hides under his blanket saying over and over it's not real, I will lift my voice to others asking for Truth and resting in Truth and giving the same in return, those first words of Hope that come from resting in the only One who is indeed always real.  

far from finished

Have patience.  Be still.  Remember all is a process.  Plans do not mean immediate completion.

Though the first two items I repeat somewhat hourly to a boy or two in my life, the whole of it, the patience, the stillness, the remembering, the reminder, is a mantra for myself.  Words repeated daily to keep my spirit focused and my flesh in check.

Journeys are historically not my favorite.  I am a finish line girl for sure.  Check it off and move on to the next thing.  There is a reason Mary Poppins was a role model in my early days and still is for that matter, and it is not because I desire to be practically perfect in every way, well it's not JUST because of that.  Mary Poppins was a doer, a planner, a packer, a cleaner, a beautiful, musical, loving, but to point lady who could snap her fingers and be done.

I recently read a list of character traits that describe other type Aers like myself, and my sweet Mary. It's good to see written in black and white an itemized list of things you can relate to, things that make you amen and high five the others who feel the same feels.  Especially when on that list is how much you love itemized lists! Misery may indeed love company, but we all feel a extra coziness when we find our kindred spirits. The ones you can make out of the blue statements to that are immediately understood and don't require words of explanation.  Dear old C. S. Lewis said “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ." Emblazoned in my mind are those conversations where friendship dug its roots in because connections were made over the deepest and silliest of things.

My desire is to dream and plan, to pray for the Spirit to direct me and show me how He wants me to proceed.  When you pray for paths to be directed and listen to the dreams that arise you feel joy as ideas come flowing into your mind and onto the pages of your journals.  The difficulty for me is in realizing that saying and accomplishing are entirely different things.  Not a far step away from the voice of encouragement is a less than encouraging voice demanding that I hurry up and accomplish all the things.  There's your job now go and do it.  Alongside is the fear that if I don't in fact get it all done I have failed and should give up trying any further lest I just fail again.  It is a daily, yes daily, struggle for me to ignore those lies and wait.  To ponder before producing.  To give grace to myself as I have been given.  To remember that seeds do not grow into oaks overnight.  They are watered, protected, pruned and left to grow at the appropriate pace until one day you look over and beauty shades ground around you.

However, in the past couple years I have been learning to appreciate the process.  To soak in the scenery and not just wish for it to whiz by faster so that I can get where I'm going and be done with it.  I expect this to be somewhat of a lifelong learning process as hardwires are hard to replace and default modes are the easiest thing to slip back into.  So while my lists of hopes and desires may seem as if they are sitting dormant, I am reminded that Spring does come and without the season of preparation nothing can grow.  So I praise my God for patience and stillness and promise of Hope that He is the one who began the work and He will be the one to complete it in me.

for when you dream

I am most assuredly a planner, but in my heart I am also, most assuredly, a dreamer.  It is very common, I feel, for a planner to shift to dreamer and back again on a fairly steady basis.  Dreams are in fact plans at their inception.  Though lofty they may be, a dream is a plan you have for your future.  You are wishing and pondering over something you desire to become or accomplish, which presently isn't in existence, but maybe, possibly, hopefully might could come to fruition in the future.

There is one major dilemma when mixing a planner and a dreamer...at least in this dual-card-holding girl's life.  The type A responsible and realistic opinion inside you likes to come to the surface, push its glasses to the tip of its nose, stare down and calmly (or erratically depending on your temperament) explain why, in fact, that dream you so lovingly dream can not and will not ever become a reality.  The reasons line up, because they are obviously presented with bullet points and color coded for organization and effect, so you take your dreams and you do your best to push them down, while assuming that's the right thing to do, and you look at what's in front of you for accomplishing the task at hand.

A middle ground can always be argued.  No, I can not let my life be ruled by emotions, constantly switching back and forth from thought to thought, and idea to idea, with no grasp of the reality of what being a responsible adult means in the world around me, or without the effort of concentrating and dedicating myself to a single task at a time.  Oh but on the other side, to ignore part of myself, part of the person God created me to be, is a dangerous, yes dangerous, place to be.

While teaching children's church this past Sunday we were discussing the story of Zachariah and how that Godly priest was left mute for months because he couldn't quite believe that God was in fact going to do what the angel said He was going to do.  Oh that familiar pride and unbelief that plagues us all.  The phrase "too good to be true" was chatted about, and how we all hear things that sound great but don't quite measure up.  Then we talked about God and His promises, and that we can believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that anything and everything He says is true.  Next in the sequence of teaching this truth to young minds came the conversation of how God speaks to us.  The bible was first on the list (right after the inevitable answer of "Jesus" that is blurted out to every question asked in church ever in the history of Sunday school).  Then a sweet voice answered "God also puts things in your heart".  Let the little children come to Him indeed!

While Disney is not the gospel, the gospel is in fact everywhere. So when Cinderella sings "a dream is a wish your heart makes" with the birds and mice in the top of her tower, the Holy Spirit is the first person that comes to mind when I hum that tune to myself, as I'm doing now.  Living inside me is the third person of the Trinity.  Living inside me is the very Spirit of Jesus.  Living inside me is a loving guide that shouts at times, but more often whispers reminders of the person I am and the way I should go.  So to push down those dreams that continually come up, is to ignore the voice inside me which directs my heart, directs my life, and asks me to repent of my naysaying ways, and instead trust that the lofty and impossible is exactly what He does.  If I already knew how to accomplish all the things, what is my faith for anyway?

God in all His omnipotent glory will call us all to impossible things. Not just scary, "please let me scream no and run away like a kid" things.  For example, killing giants like David or moving your entire family to a land that you don't know how to get to like Abraham, or speaking to a king and risking your life like Esther were huge and scary things.  Yes, God gave them victory, and if He calls us to those things He will be the one fighting the battle through us and YES we can do it with Him. But the huge and scary is not all He does, and I tend to fear so much that that is the type of thing He will always ask me to do, so I hide and ignore all His requests without really listening, assuming it will be too scary to even think about facing.

My God is a loving God who works in a million and a half different ways in the lives of us all. Along with the Davids, Abrahams and Esthers are Elizabeths, Marys and Solomons.  God places dreams in you and I as well.  Big, huge, beautiful dreams. Yes they can still be scary, just not in that 'grab a sword and head into battle' way.  We are creatures of structure and comfort, and anytime you are brought out of your comfort zone you shake a little in the fear of the unknown, the butterflies of excitement and doubt all mixed together inside. Jumping for joy and anticipation while being sick from the suspense are familiar feelings for me and I'm sure I'm not alone.  Listen to the things in your heart.  Don't push down the dream that doesn't seem to go away.  God is speaking to you through His Spirit.  He is guiding you in the ways that He wants you, specifically you, to shine His light in this dark world.  No bushel hiding allowed.

He's taken me through scary hard places before and I've got the inward scars to prove it.  He will take me to those places again in this life, I'm sure, and I'll dread the onset and fight it along the way. But I pray I will quickly remember His familiar comfort like I did in the past, and have full view of the place I'm in now and submit to His journey.  Some of you have already gone through this and know exactly what I'm talking about, or are going there now and are in the midst of the tumultuous emotions between fear and security.  For those who may not have been there yet, I quite possibly just freaked you out and now you're running in the opposite direction or are in your bed with covers pulled high :)

I could spend hours sharing why you should come out from hiding, but for now I'll pass along the words the angel of the Lord shares over and over again as he appears to others just like us, "Do not fear, do not be afraid."  Listen to that still small voice, and dream.

quiet...again

I find it more than a little humorous that as I log on to this precious place for me on the interwebs that the last time I wrote here was to share about quiet moments.  I laugh to myself and to my sometimes comical Creator because this morning, for the first time in way too long a time, I had a quiet moment and, for the first time in way too long a time, pages of my prayer journal were filled with thoughts and prayers for myself which is a Friday morning tradition.  I can only assume it's a gentle/not so gentle reminder that usually that is indeed from where my struggles arise, from the lack of those crucial quiet moments.  Nevertheless, I will share my pages and pages that contain a most familiar topic to show myself that it most often takes more than one try to learn something and to hopefully encourage you when the same struggle pops up in your life again and again...

It's quiet.  It's the first Friday of school and it's the first day in two months that I've sat alone in a quiet home purposely focused on the most important task at hand, quieting myself in front of my Savior and my God.

Times of study have happened but "quiet times" they were not.  Throwing some convoluted thoughts on paper after reading the daily SRT while Wild Kratts plays ten feet away and there are constant interruptions, cute interruptions but interruptions nonetheless, asking for milky and another flat egg or poptart doesn't fill the soul.

Maybe it should.  Maybe I should be able to have full and meaningful times with God in the midst of all that.  Maybe you are able to and if so I am honestly so happy for you that you can meet with him in the midst of it all because I know for a fact that He IS there in the midst of the chaos, I have found Him and felt Him there numerous times.  But I'm also tired of shoulding myself in regards to this. Maybe one day I'll reach that place that can vividly hear God's call no matter what sounds are all around me, or maybe, just maybe, God designed me to need the quiet.  Maybe He created my soul to grow as I sit and be still without the distractions around me.  Maybe He created some of you like that as well and we're trying so hard to prove we can meet Him in the chaos that we're missing His command to step away.

My favorite things to do should tell me that this is true.  When you spend your college days at bonfires and dinner parties instead of clubs and frat houses it points to the loud and crazy not being your thing.  When your favorite part of visiting NYC is walking around old neighborhoods and shopping flea markets but cringe in the middle Times Square, confirmation is at hand.

I'm a concentrator, a ponderer, a viewer, a listener, a quiet encourager.  Yelling exists, don't get me wrong.  I am not a meek and mild church mouse who acts like the epitome a of perfect, humble Christian.  Anger erupts way too quickly.  Snark comments are constantly being cut off at the tip of my tongue lest too many escape.  Truths that I KNOW that I know go too quickly to the wayside most days as I struggle to abide instead of give in to the desire to just go and get it done myself.  But I also know that when I'm closest with my family, my friends, myself and most importantly the Spirit within me it has happened in the purposeful getting away, the act of seperating myself so that nothing else can grab my focus.

Summer with my boys was wonderful.  The Spirit tugged at my heart and helped my focus not be on the thousands of thigns that could grace the to do list of a self proclaimed decorator and homebody who has been waiting 6 years to get a home.  Instead, I wanted the focus to be on time together, having fun, making memories and showing them love means showing up.  Tasks were done obviously because I'm still me and laundry is always there but it was very refreshing not to worry about the doing, or at least not as much as usual.

However, there was a very important task that slipped almost completely as well.  Remember that not so quiet time I mentioned?  For this girl that is something I can't afford to let go and I'm learning it all to well as I've been trying to pinpoint why recent events that appear very small have sent me spiraling.  Props to my husband who in one short sentence responded to my complaints with "well is it because you haven't gotten away to write?"  Even though my immediate response was denial, which it way too often is, a light dawned/shined direction into my eyes to wake me and and said "well DUH!"

It never happens quickly, that slide backward, because it would be too easily noticed.  No, when Satan wants to screw with you He does it slowly.  So slowly that you don't know what's changing and by the end you know something is different but have no firm proof to back it up.  With the right heart it could be called patience but with the wrong one it's just calculated assault.

My soul needs quiet.  It needs concentration.  It needs purposeful time.  It needs less PBS as background music.  It needs to be still.  What does yours need?

too much

My heart hurts.  Physically aches.  I know you've felt it before.  I know you know that feeling in your chest where the weight of something is pressing in so hard that you can't breathe.  It's a feeling that can sneak up on you, show up in the blink of an eye or make itself known well in advance and slowly progress while you watch and wait.  It's a feeling that can come through your own experiences, because of the actions of another or felt from the sidelines as you have to be a spectator in someone's story.  

Today this feeling that engulfs me and many others in my community of believers comes from seeing another hurting.  It comes from watching and waiting and praying for a miracle for a precious unborn life.  It comes when everything has reached the point of too much and the only ability you have is to sit and feel everything around you.  It comes from that place that lacks all understanding and has nowhere to turn except upward with a great distressing why.

I want to cry and I want to hide and I want to scream at the top of my lungs that it's just not fair and I just don't get it.  And often I do.  Then I am reminded that it should always feel like too much.  On this earth, the hurt we see, the hurt we feel and the hurt we cause is too much.  It's too much because God's perfect design was tainted when sin entered the world.  In a place where there was supposed to be none, any, is too much.  

You can look next to you at any point of your day and see someone who has a story, a need, an idol, a sin and a struggle because of it.  If you go about your day with your eyes wide open to the world around you, your heart will have the potential to always ache and always mourn for every single person you pass.  

Truly, the dangerous thing is for the ache to never come.  The dangerous thing is to never feel the hurt for yourself and those around you.  The dangerous thing is for your heart to become so hard and callous that no hurt can get in.  The hurt is what takes you to Jesus.  The hurt is what makes you remember that it is all too much and you need to take it to someone, the only One, who can handle it all.  

Many times we get to see the causes and effects of life play out.  We see the natural path that is being taken due to choices.  Those obvious consequences for actions, whether difficult or not, are at least easy to understand.  So many others times we are left in bewilderment.  We are left to wonder and wait, or just wonder and trust.  The Christian life doesn't give us a crystal ball into each of our lives and the experiences that are coming.  We don't automatically know it all and automatically get to understand and handle everything in the perfect "christianlike" manner.  What we get is a Savior who loves us and comforts us. We get a spirit that guides us down even the rockiest of roads.  We get a sovereign creator who is ever faithful and even if we never see the whys we see Him.

And even this moment as I question this current why, I know that even if I never understand, I have a Savior who does.  He hurt far more than I ever could, He loved far more than I ever can.  Whether it is with tears streaming down my cheeks, jaw clenched, or peace that passes all understanding,  I will hold fast to my confession of faith and draw near to the throne of grace to ask and receive mercy and grace in this time of need for myself and my dear friends because I have a high priest who understands whether I ever will or not. (Hebrews 4:15)

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgotWhat sorrow is carried by the hearts that he boughtSo when the questions dissolve into the silence of GodThe aching may remain but the breaking does not
~Andrew Peterson

looking ahead

My birthday was two weeks ago.  Well mine and Logan's birthday was two weeks ago.  For three years now I have shared a birthday with my 3rd son.  Yes some people think it's sweet and amazing.  I think my son is sweet and amazing but the jury is still out on the sharing thing being such as well ;-)

It never fails that I feel a little off around my birthday.  It's not a bad feeling per say, it's just a different feeling.  Many people spend the first of the year reflecting on the past and making plans for the future and while I am definitely a new year, fresh start, list making fool, a lot of my reflecting goes on around the time where the number associated with my years on this earth is about to go up by one.  This year that number went from 32 to 33 and my heart just wasn't sure what to think about it.

In the week leading up to the Saturday celebrations, my mind wandered through the past and what the previous year had brought, but I also spent a little too much time thinking about what it had taken away.  Without even trying too hard my mind kept wandering to the negatives, the hard stuff, the things that make my heart sink and tempt me to forget the wondrous things God has done.  I fell head first into that temptation the Tuesday before and spent the majority of the day in tears, but praise God for not allowing me to dwell there too long.  He took my eyes from the negatives and reminded me, yet again, of where I am now, who I am now, who I have now and who He is always.

Even after all this, it still wasn't until the day after my birthday at our community group that I began to understand where my thoughts needed to go.  As we were sharing our weekly "what is God doing in our lives" a friend talked about how God has been bringing up situations in her life that have initiated conversations with her husband about their future and what they should be looking forward to.  Something woke up within me when I heard that.

This past 15 months has been full of both heartache and joy that has required an immense amount of looking back and while in a lot of ways there was nothing but moving forward, in a lot of ways that moving forward was just to get us back to level ground.  I'm ready to rise above.

Looking back is always a good thing when you are looking back and seeing the faithfulness of God in your life.  I look and see what the Lord has done and it is GOOD, but I think after so many months of looking back I am ready to not just look at the past of what He has done and not just look in the present of where I am now but to look to the future of where He is taking me.  I think I am finally ready to live out the first verse I wrote in this new year 11 months ago.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:12-14