because we need to speak up: a rewrite of an old post for a new book

When asked a question or confronted with a topic, it takes awhile for me to process an answer, to think of exactly what I want to say, which means whatever the conversation 'was' usually turns into 'had been' as the others kept rolling, immediately knowing the best thing to say to keep the topics and thoughts whizzing by my own. Because of this, I spent years thinking that my words were not important, that I did not have anything productive to add to the conversation.

While silence can be deafening, remaining silent can also make you feel deaf, make you feel out of the loop, make you feel inconsequential. When you spend your life assuming you have nothing to say, you forget how to speak up even if you do have words that need to come out.

But words are not to be tread lightly. Words harm and words heal. The phrase "if you do not have anything nice to say then do not say anything at all" is well shared among the southern states. It is also well known that if you are told hundreds of wonderful, positive things about yourself and then told one negative, it is the negative that will stay with you the longest. It is for these reasons that we are told in Ephesians to be kind to one another and to let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth but only what is good for building others up...so that it gives grace to those who hear it.

Our lives revolve around communication. Even in the most isolated places on earth there is language, the ability to speak and respond in some manner so that community can work together, rejoice together, disagree with one another, and warn each other of danger. However, unless you are under the age of 4, one cannot just go around saying aloud every thought that comes through the mind. Honestly, the under 4 category probably should not do that either, but so far I have yet to find someone with the skill to enable that filter.

Filters are valuable. They strain out impurities so that what you are taking in holds only that which is good for you. In the world this may be referred to as your conscience. Good 'ol Jiminy Cricket sang a very catchy tune about letting your conscience be your guide, listening to the inner voice telling you what is right and wrong. In Christianity, we believe this is the Holy Spirit. What Jesus left with his children here on earth living inside us and guiding us in our filter. Through it, with knowledge of the Word, filters our words actions, and thoughts, sifting out impurities and changing them to be more like Christ. A point worth mentioning however is that whether we follow the Holy Spirit's leading each time or not, we are still loved and forgiven and never left alone.

I know no one who does not have regret over something they said that they wish they could take back, but it is not the words that you have said that I want to talk to you about, it is the ones that you have not said, the ones that you are holding onto inside.

When Maya Angelou said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you," it does not just refer to someone who desires to be an author, it is for all of us as we are each living out a story We said that each life is a story written by the Greatest Author, meticulously planning and allowing experiences that will mold and shape us to become what He has designed us to be at story's end. But within this life of beauty and despair, joy mixed with sorrow, refining and rebuilding that needs to be done, we often want to pull away when the process gets difficult.

While much concentration is done to learn to filter our words and only let out what is helpful to others, there is an equal amount of concentration by us to hold our words inside because of what others may think, or what consequences may come.

I held my words in for too long. I let fear of what could come and doubt of what might have been happening keep me from speaking up, keep me from letting out those questions and answers that I know the Spirit was filling up my heart with. I have no doubt that what happened in my marriage's past was in no way my fault, but I do know that had I spoken those words out loud long before something would have changed sooner.

I would be willing to bed there is one thing that even right now you are keeping inside, afraid to say out loud because of how it might come across, how it will sound, how it makes you sound, because it may be wrong, or because of what another might think as soon as you finish the sentence.

Friend, if you are scared to say something, that is usually a good sign that you need to say it!

Words can eat at you if you leave them hidden, causing the agony Ms. Angelou so eloquently spoke of. But worse, leaving those words in the darkness, away from the Light, where they can be twisted so violently that you begin to believe the lies instead of allowing in Truth.

I will forever be grateful for the friend who spoke up for me when I was refusing to speak for myself. I will forever love her regardless, but I will forever love her as well for her courage in living out Proverbs 31:8 and speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves. THere are many things that cause someone to remain silent. There are times when those people are given courage to speak up and there are times when God tells us to speak up for them because for whatever reason, in their present life, they cannot form the words.

I have developed a simple two step process for speaking up. The first step is to find someone to say your words to, the second step is to say them out loud.

Lucky for you, there are two people with you all the time that you can speak to. One is yourself, the other is God. Yes, having a bosom friend or spouse who will listen and love you no matter what you say is a pearl above price, but please do not think you need to drive anywhere, wait for your next girls' night/biblestudy/community group/workout/counseling session or wherever else you might have conversation. The first priority is not to have your words heard, it is to get them out and give them a voice.

Next, say them out loud. Quite often this one small but not so small action is the only thing needed to bring healing and relief to your soul. It takes courage to speak out the things you have hidden and as soon as the words have left your lips there can be peace and understanding that what you have feared so much to say may not be scary after all. This one action is an act of faith and that act is rewarded with a precious peace that passes all understanding.

Everything we say out loud that is bottled up will not be right. We have hearts full of sin and our thoughts will be skewed, our opinions unjustified, our words will be full of envy, or unforgiveness, or doubt. Even if more steps need to be taken to process through whatever the words reveal, they will be out, confessed, given a voice, and brought into the light and THAT is when healing can begin, when perspective is given, when wisdom is gained and when our inner dispositions being to change.

You may say hard things, you may hear hard things, but He is faithful and just says 1 John 1:9. He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I pray that you will give all the parts of your story a voice so He can do just that, pray for me.

because even though you can't change your past, you can change someone else's future

At writing workshops, one of the most talked about topics is having an ideal reader.  You need to know who you are talking to in your head so that you can get across the information necessary to that person.  One point that is sure to be made is that you should not make yourself your ideal reader.  You must broaden your scope, be a little more general while staying specific, specifically general, so that you reach a wider audience.  Sound confusing? Well it is.  I have never been good at this, which is probably why I am far from a famous writer, but in my opinion, or at least for my personal desires and purposes, I need to be intimately connected to the topic.  Whatever I am saying has to be something I feel or have felt deeply.  Something that I also need to hear.

To me, if sharing advice or encouragement or knowledge or wisdom, if it is not something you do not also need to hear, you have no business saying it, because you have no understanding from which to pull.  My heart needs to comprehend just how much another heart may need the same words, the same lessons.  If that means a smaller audience so be it. If Jesus can leave 99 to go after just 1, then I can too.

The thing is, if it were possible, I would often make my past self the ideal reader.  What would I say, for example, to the five year old girl so very afraid of the dark, the twelve year old who had no clue how to deal with a friend all of a sudden not wanting to be her friend anymore, the sixteen year old who was trying to balance high school and boys and driving a car without getting lost, the nineteen year old who had her heartbroken, the twenty-two year old newlywed with a new job in a new state, the twenty five year old with a baby completely dependent on her, the thirty-one year old who hit a road bump in marriage so hard it could have possibly totaled the whole thing.

We often say, if we could just go back and tell our past self this, this, and this, everything would have turned out differently, but would it have?  Back to the Future is probably not the most intellectual example to throw in here, but in my recollection, going back and making any changes did not seem to help the future out too much.

Changing our past just isn't going to bring sudden happiness and perfection.  While I do not completely agree with Rafiki when he whacks Simba on the head and tells him it doesn't matter, it's in the past, I highly agree with his next statement, "You can't change it, but you can learn from it."  While we learn, we store away those hard fought lessons for a reason that reaches way beyond our own life's peace.  With our life, we have the ability to change another's.

Not everyone has hit the milestones you have, not everyone has gone through the same suffering that you have, and not everyone who has gone through similar sufferings and experiences have made it to the other side of them.   There is always someone farther ahead of you and there is always someone coming up behind.  One of our jobs as believers is to accept those hands that are there to pull us up and also to reach back with our own hands and pull up another.

We can not do anything about what is done because, as they say, it is done, but we can do something about how we use what happened for not only ourselves, but the ones around us.  By living in community, sharing our stories, and saying out loud the things we know we need to hear instead of pretending as if we have it all together, the ones we walk alongside will see, will hear, will have the opportunity to learn without it having to come in the hardest ways.  Like Hamilton told Eliza, if I had to fight a war just to meet you, it would have been worth it.

My birthday is tomorrow.  37 years.  Dang, that seemed so old when I was in elementary school, but seems so young at this very minute, because of all I know I still have to learn.  Regardless, it's been another year of life on earth, another year of making mistakes, another year of successes, another year of growing, another year of seeing how tightly I am held in the hands of my creator and that abiding in Him truly is the best place to be.  In honor of this milestone, privilege, I want to share some of my hardest earned lessons, the things I would love to tell my younger self, but can't.  Instead I share them with you, the things I want someone else to know in hopes they can learn in an easier way.

*  It's ok to be afraid of the dark, it doesn't make you weak.  It most likely means you have an overactive imagination which just happens to be an amazing character quality.

*  Friendships are hard, but they are worth fighting for.  If there is someone you want to remain in your life, take the time to let them know that.  

*Friendships are hard, and sometimes they need to be let go, and it's ok if it still sucks even if it's also a relief. 

*Friendships are hard and sometimes friendships end and neither of you know why or really wanted it to happen, it just happens.

*  Some boys are insane, emotional, and careless with you heart.  Some boys are kind, thoughtful, and careful with your heart.  That second group of boys will still do stupid stuff.

*It's okay to forgive someone for anything. It doesn't mean you'll still be in each other's life.  The forgiveness is more for your heart anyway.

*  Being an introvert is a dang good character quality and never apologize for it.  It just means you were created to serve this world in a different way with a different view.

*  It's always a good idea to have the conversation.  Even if you're nervous, even if you're terrified, even if you will cry the whole time you are talking.  It's better than leaving needed words unsaid.

*  Almost everything is hard the first time you do it, that's why you need to do it a second time and a third and keep going until its easier.  Except if what you are doing is illegal.  Just stop that now.

*  If something comes easy to you that doesn't come easy to others be thankful.  You found one of your gifts.

*  You do not have to prove anything to anyone.  Be confident that you can feel what is best for you.  If you don't want to do something, don't do it.  If you want to do something, keep at it.  Friends will encourage for both sides, non-friends will pressure you on just one.  Stick with the encouragers.

*  If a boy breaks up with you because you get scared at scary movies then he is an idiot and you are better off without him.

*  If there is something nagging you, deep inside, telling you to do something, it doesn't make you feel better to ignore it.  Step out in faith knowing the one who has called you to it is trying to do something beautiful somewhere.

*  Lifting weights is super fun and makes you feel like a super hero.  And even though you know it is super cliche, throwing them down every once in a while is the best feeling!

*  Parenting is all kinds of hard and all kinds of beautiful and all kinds of exhausting and all kinds of sanctifying and pretty much the best thing I have ever been allowed to do.

*  If you're feeling like a hot mess, say you're feeling like a hot mess.  If you're having a crappy day, say you're having a crappy day.  If you are in love with where you are in life, say that you are in love with where you are in life.  Your honesty is sure to help another be honest as well!

*  If one day it feels like life is falling apart, well it might just be, but that doesn't mean it won't get built right back up again, usually in a different and better way.  

*Pivots in life don't mean you chose wrong the first time, it means that part is done and it's time to move on to the next thing.

and lastly,

*THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!

I would love to hear some of your hard earned lessons, but until then I am praying that you will learn to use them for others and have the opportunity to see how they can change a life, pray for me.

because if you don't tell them, how will they know {September's challenge}

"We live and breathe words..." ~Cassandra Clare

How true is this statement.  Words are very much the life and breath of our days.  They portray our feelings, share our concerns, teach our children, effect our hearts, overwhelm our motherhood, cheer our teams, bring tears at times and smiles at others...I could go on and on.  They, no matter what walk of life, fill our minds to overflowing daily.  Whether those words are read, spoken, thought, signed or even dreamed, our lives are teeming with words to hear, see, and process.

The previous was something shared years ago in a post called "Words" early on in this blog's life.  And recently it has come to mind again as the thoughts of sharing our stories and being transparent with others have been topics of discussion and pondering.   

Writing for others to read can be an intimidating thing and I don't just mean for me.  When you put down words or thoughts in an assignment, a story, a text, a letter, or a quick note, you are taking a piece of your heart and whatever it is full of in that moment and bearing it to the world.  While all words can never be taken back, the written ones are easier to remember than spoken ones because the evidence is before you to be looked at again and again if desired and destroying it requires a purposeful, physical action whether it's just pressing delete or tearing up and burning paper in anger.  I know I can't be the only person who has had an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend bonfire!

While we all have received notes that carry less than positive feelings, we also probably each remember times where left for us or sent to us have been words of full of love, thankfulness, and encouragement.  The best are the ones that come out of the blue.

As we begin to abandon the robotic, social norm answer of how we are and discover ways to be more transparent with others in our everyday conversations we will begin to see and feel how others impact our hearts.  A reader commented with these words when asked a question by a friend if we really should share our hearts with random strangers we just happened to run into during the day...

"...when we are open and honest and honest with people then it might cause them to be more open and honest and help them to share a burden when they might now have otherwise.  It may be a situation where you are definitely out of your comfort zone, however, you may just have the story they need to hear.  So, to answer your question, sometimes you need to open up to people close to you or sometimes you need to open up to a total stranger.  You might be surprised how a total stranger or someone you barely know can minister to you in a profound way and you might minister to them in a way that could change the way they are feeling about themselves and therefore change their life forever!"

When I receive a message or a comment about something I said impacting another in a positive way it doesn't puff of my pride but calms my soul.  Hearing that something you said or did brought peace or joy or understanding or support to another gives you confidence that yes, you are purposeful; yes, God is with you and is using you; yes, you heard and listened and obeyed.  All of these things are true without the response, but as people who were created to be in community, the giving and receiving of words is part of us, part of our given mission.  Proverbs 18:21 says Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Likewise, it is imperative for me to remember that if another's purposefully given words that show appreciation about something I said or did are so impactful in my life, mine to another for the same reason are just as impactful to them.  We do not live in a world of straight lines where we give, another takes and that's the end.  Whether it's positive or negative, what we do creates a cycle.  What we give another always has the potential to effect what they give to the next person.  What I desire to give is love and support to motivate another to continue in the way God has pointed them towards and created them to be so that they can do that for another.

But I know, without Him being the one ruling my heart, there is the potential to create the opposite effect.  That is a fruit, that is not delicious to eat.

So friends, today I have a challenge for you, a task for the month of September that I hope you will not only join in on, but share it with others and then come back and share with me what you did, how it went, or what you learned.

I challenge you, as I am challenging myself, to contact five people.  Think back in life, a week, a year, a decade, to a person who maybe just randomly or maybe completely on purpose spoke something into your life that changed you, something that was said out of the blue or with deep thought that open your eyes to who God made you or in a way you had never seen before.  Find in your memory banks a milestone moment to your heart that was built with just the innocent words of one who did not fear being transparent in a moment.  I know you have them, we all have them.

Step 1:  Pray.  Pray first.  Let the Spirit within your heart guide you to the moment in the person so that the actions and words that come are not from you but from Him.

Step 2:  Write.  Call.  Text.  Whatever.  Reach out and let that person know that this is what they said and it impacted your life more than they would have ever thought, because if you don't tell them, how will they know.

So far on my list is a teacher I had through elementary and middle school, a woman who without knowing has mentored me through really hard life situations, a reader who constantly encourages, a previous employer, and a young child whose smiling face never ceases to brighten my day when I see it.

I am praying for you as we conquer this first challenge An Inner Disposition is setting that you will not only see the cycle that is built from it, but it is one you will want to take on again and again, pray for me.

because when I ask you how you're doing, I really want to know

I had a brilliant idea for a movie, well first it would be a book and then it would be turned into a movie.  You get more out of it that way so I hear, the message lasts longer and reaches more people, more fame piles up.  Obviously, though, the book would still be better than the movie, it always is.

The opening scene would be a woman walking through a door and down a hallway.  Maybe she's in a high rise apartment in New York just getting home from work, maybe she's in her child's school building on her way to a conference, maybe she's just taking a walk around the neighborhood, but regardless of the scene she is walking forward when she comes across another person coming in the opposite direction.  Like all polite people the individual she is passing greets her with a common "hello, how are you?" and then she turns her gaze to the other and PAUSE...

And it is in that pause where the story happens, it is in that slight pause before her response that time stands still.  Her mind flashes back in time rethinking her day, her week, her year and we, as the reader and/or viewer, get to see her story.  We get to see the moment where she walked out of the house without her wallet and phone only to not realize it until the moment the cashier tells her the final total.  We get to see her crying in the car having just hung up the phone after a difficult call.  We get to see her walk out on a job that caused such unprofessional abuse that the money was not worth the pain.  We get to see all the things that are piled on her plate and weighing her down, changing her course of life.  We get to see what is truly on her mind.

And then the end of the movie comes and we are transported back to the hallway, back to the moment she has been asked that familiar question, only to see a polite smile come across her face and hear her say "fine and you?" and then walk past continuing to her destination.

The reason the setting of the story is not important is because it can happen anywhere, does happen everywhere, on a daily, hourly, minutely--pretty sure that's not a word--basis.

"Fine" and "good" are answers we are all too good at giving.  I am reminded of this scenario everywhere.  Recently while pushing a cart full of groceries at Publix, the well mannered stockist, in his well mannered voice, asked how I was doing today.  I responded with the correct" I'm doing well, how about you?" to which he responded "I'm great thank you."  It was a very pleasant exchange that would surely have made his manager happy because at Publix, where shopping is a pleasure, you want your staff to be pleasant.  But, was it true?  For either of us?

Nobody likes to hear someone constantly complain and grump about everything.  Each one of us in our minds can think of that person who we feel is constantly complaining, constantly negative, and wouldn't see a silver lining if it was pointed out to them, but for some reason we have taken our frustration with that one person's behavior and led ourselves to believe that we must never complain, we must never be negative, and in the end what happens is that we keep ourselves from being real.

The hardest place to go through this scenario is at church, and before it seems like I'm being critical, I don't mean my particular church specifically, I mean Church with a capital C.  The places where others who claim to know and love Jesus gather together.  It is an all too common exchange among Christians as well.  We pass in the hall or at an event and hear "good morning, how are you today?" and you assume chances are they are just being polite and are expecting the typical response of "good, how are you?" so you say it, and move on, but, inside, you are thinking about the real answer, and about all the things that are not just good, and you wonder what it would be like to actually say everything you are thinking.  You wonder if they are thinking and feeling the same thing.

Everything I share here is another lesson in my personal sanctification, another lesson in my need to cling to Hope and not to myself.  Though I have never been good at hiding my feelings with my facial expressions--much to my dismay--this was and still can be a familiar part of my everyday and I know I am not alone, which is why I am sharing it with you now.  I am a recovering perfectionist who has been shown in my past the real life danger of hiding my imperfections, and wants to share this with my friends, my family, and with you who I might not know and might never meet, so that you can see it is not only ok to share our true selves, but it is what we were created to do.

We were made, through our identity in Christ, and not by our own strength to 'encourage one another and build each other up' (1 Thes. 5:11), to 'bear one another's burdens' (Gal 6:2) and remind each other that 'He would began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. (Phil 1:6).  

No, you don't have to spread your business to the masses, no you don't have to cast your pearls before all the pigs, but then again you never know which pig really needs to see a pearl.  And if we are solidly clinging to Christ then we can believe about ourselves what Psalm 46 says about the tabernacle, when "God is in the midst of her; she shall not bed moved; God will help her when morning dawns."

Just imagine what it would be like if we not only gave the real answer and shared out hearts when asked, but if we truly expected and desired a real answer from the ones to whom we ask those questions.  What if instead of giving and expecting typical, we gave and expected transparency?  What if we each set the example of sharing our hearts, sharing our sins, sharing our struggles, and really desired others to as well and were ready to listen no matter what it was that they needed to say out loud so that we could encourage them in their walk and point them towards the only One that can bring lasting help.

Lives change in the midst of transparency, hearts are met, burdens are lessened.  Real life happens when you share your realness, it can't happen any other way.

If you have spent your life holding on to all the hard inside only to let it drip out occasionally this is a massive paradigm shift in your life, but it is one worth exploring and practicing until that pause is no longer void of what you are afraid to say but full of what you need to say and what another may be need to hear.  Truth begets truth and that moment of honesty from your end could be just what another needs to finally drop a burden they have been holding on to.  A moment of honesty on another's end could be exactly what you need to drop the burden you have been clutching with both fists as well.

When I ask you how you are doing, I promise, I really want to know, so I am praying for you, challenging you, to let your conversations be real, open, setting up the atmosphere of honest communication where hearts can grow or hearts can heal or hearts can just see God's image in another.  Pray for me.

because each of our lives could be a podcast

My dad used to drive us to elementary school.  At the time he had a brown 1979 Impala that he had been given by my grandparents complete with cigarette burned front seats, a ceiling with fabric so droopy it could hit you in the head if you sat up too straight, and a push button radio that he only kept on NPR which never failed to tell us how many minutes it was until the hour as we were getting out in front of the school drop off line.

So, with that explanation, I guess you can say my hatred for talk radio began at a young age.  Apart from Click and Clack's comical Boston accented voices on Car Talk who will forever hold high rankings in my fondest childhood memories, I have always found talk radio to be false thoughts only spoken as ads, full of unnecessary sensationalized emotions and opinions that seem to do more for segregating people then bringing them together, or, well, boring.  I realize that is a strong statement.  Sorry that I have to stick by it pretty intensely.  Forgive me if you have different opinions!

It was because of this, and these preconceived opinions, that I have jumped, very late, onto the podcast bandwagon.  My inability to pay attention to them while also working on other things has kept my list down to just a handful of favorites that can be listened to when my mind does not need to be engaged elsewhere, most of which are just people I may or may not have ever heard of telling their life stories.

In conversation the other day I was sharing with a friend some wonderful insight I had gained through listening to a guest on The Pivot and how cool it was that this person who I will never meet dared to bare their soul and hard earned wisdom of life just so that I, Sarah in Oxford, Ga, could be spoken into.  There is such beauty in that, that sharing of life to benefit the life of another.  Conversation continued on about how many celebrities now have podcasts and how thousands and thousands will listen to them for no other reason than because they are well known.

This thought was pondered quite a bit and then I remembered a verse in John that portrayed another preconceived opinion that one of the disciples had before following along.  At the end of chapter 1 when Philip tells his friend that they have found the Messiah and are going to follow him.  His friend replies, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?"

Why do we often assume good things only come from big important places or big important people?  When there are 7 billion people available, quite a few are going to be known, well known, famously or infamously so.  Most of us will not reach that level of recognizability by the masses, but we still each have a story to tell.  We each have the ability to impact another with what we have been through, what we have been brought through, and where we are going.

I'm not saying we should each start a podcast, but we should each tell our stories.  Talk about what has happened, what God has done through it.  When Jesus restored the literally out of his mind naked man in Luke 8 back to his senses he begged to go with them wherever they were going, but Jesus said no, instead, go home and tell what God has done for you.  Go to that little town you have been living outside of and say it to them.

We are not all meant to have the loudest voices, but we are all meant to speak.  

I'm not saying we should each start a podcast, but we each could, because anything Good can come out of anywhere if God is deeming it to be so.  You can be the stone that starts a giant ripple that brings others to Him.

Oh Nazareth, you precious little blip on the map.  Can good come from you?  Yes, and it was the ultimate Good.

I'll be praying that you not just know your perfectly purposely planned and executed story for His glory, but that you will tell it to others and let them see.  Pray for me.

for when you need to say things out loud

I remember what his face looked like.  The expression of complete regret and fear with eyes that were starting to show relief.  He sat across the room, knees apart serving as a place to set his elbows, hands up ready to catch his head if it fell forward from the raw emotion swimming inside.  I knew what was coming and even though it was the last thing I wanted to hear, I begged for him to just say it, say it out loud, because then the ice would be broken, then it would be out in the light...

Our lives revolve around communication.  Even in the most isolated places on earth there is language, the ability to speak and respond in some manner so that community can work together, rejoice together, disagree with one another, and live life.  However, unless you are under the age of 4, one can not just go around saying aloud every thought that comes through the mind.  Honestly the under 4 category probably shouldn't either but so far I have yet to find someone with the skill to enable that filter.

Words harm and words heal.  The phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" is well shared among the southern states.  It is also well known that if you are told hundreds of wonderful, positive things about yourself and then one negative, it's that one negative that will stay with you the longest.  It is for these reasons that we are told to be kind to one another...(Eph. 4:32) and to no unwholesome word come out of your mouth but only what is good for building others up...so that it gives grace to those who hear it. (Eph. 4:29)

Filters are a valuable thing.  They strain out impurities so that what you are taking in holds only that which is good for you.  In the world this may be referred to as your conscious.  Good ol' Jiminy Cricket sang a very catchy song about letting your conscious be your guide.  Listening to the inner voice telling you what is right and wrong.  In Christianity, we believe this is the Holy Spirit.  What Jesus left with his children here on this earth living inside you and guiding is your filter. Through it, with knowledge of the Word, filters our words, actions, and thoughts sifting out impurities and changing them to be more like Christ.  A point worth mentioning however, is that whether we follow the Holy Spirit's leading or not we are still loved and forgiven and never left alone.

I know no one who does not have regret over something they said that they wish they could take but as we talk today about words we speak, it's not the ones we have said to others that is the focus, it's the ones we haven't said, the ones we hold onto inside.

Maya Angelou said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." And while it is easy to immediately think that she is referring to letting out that budding writer that may be inside some, it can also be very easily applied to the story we each live out.  Each life is a story written by the greatest Author, meticulously planning and allowing experiences that will mold and shape us to become what He has designed us to be at story's end.  But within life there is beauty and despair, joy mixed with sorrow, refining and rebuilding that needs to be done and our hearts and minds often want to pull away instead in hopes to keep away the difficult parts of the process.

While much concentration is done to learn to filter our words and only let out what is helpful to others, there is an equal amount of concentration by us to hold our words inside because of what others may think if we let out our true selves.  

I would be willing to bet there is at least one thing that even right now you are keeping inside, afraid to say out loud because of how it might come across, how it will sound, how it makes you sound, because it may be wrong or because of what another may think as soon as you finish the sentence.

If you are scared to say something, that is a usually a good sign that you need to say it!

Words can eat at you if you leave them hidden, causing agony as Mrs. Angelou said, and worse keeping them in darkness, away from the Light, where they can be twisted so violently that you begin to believe the lies instead of allowing in Truth.

As a "counselor in dreaming" I have developed a simple two step process to help release those words from inside your heart.

1.  Find someone to say them to-  Lucky for you, there are two people with you all the time that you can speak to.  One is yourself, the other is God.  Yes having a bosom friend or spouse who will listen and love you no matter what you say is a pearl above price, but please do not think you need to drive anywhere, wait for your next girls' night/bible study/community group/workout/counseling session or wherever else you might have conversation.  The first priority is not to have your words heard, it's to get them out and give them a voice.

2.  Say them out loud-  Quite often this one small but not so small action is the only thing needed to bring healing and relief to your soul.  It takes courage to speak out the things you have hidden and as soon as the words have left your lips there can be peace and understanding that what you have feared so much to say may not be scary after all.  This one action is an act of faith and that act is rewarded with a precious peace that passes all understanding.

Everything we say out loud that is bottled up inside will not be right.  We have hearts full of sin and our thoughts will skewed, our opinions will be unjustified, our words will be full of envy, or unforgiveness, or doubt.  Even if more steps need to be taken to process through whatever the words reveal, they will be out, confessed, given a voice, and brought into the light and THAT is when healing can begin, when perspective is given, when wisdom is gained, and when our inner dispostions begin to change.

You may say hard things, you may hear harder things but He is faithful and just...He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

I pray that you will give all the parts of your story a voice so He can do just that, pray for me.

for when you are being taken to deeper places

It's been a year of waiting, a year of being asked by my all knowing Father to just wait.  Yes things are going to happen He said, Yes I am still working, always working, He promised, but you my girl, you need to just wait.  Wait for what is to come.  I spent the year waiting, waiting for what I did not know, sometimes thinking there was a giant party around the corner and if I sat still and patient the whole time He would jump out with a big gift and yell SURPRISE!

In the end, there was not exactly a party and then again maybe I should have thrown one myself because now sitting here and listing--obviously a list is involved if its me--the events of the year I can see His hand through it all and how the hardest of hards and the best of the best and even the sprinkle of surprises mixed in can only be designed by the one most creative of Creators and the Spirit within who thankfully navigates my directionally challenged soul.

Within this past year marked the second hardest event of my own life with the closing of my church and the loss of the stability of my church community, these people who have seen me and known me and me them through the darkest of times and the joyous of moments.  It also brought about a wealth of His good things, the first being a new calling in my life, a trajectory that only His will could vastly change.

Adding to the statistics of the year from the severe doubts that come with loss and confusion to enjoying my friends and family more as I fight to let go of the control I was never supposed to have, was brought about a better understanding of patience with life itself and the lesson that immediate solutions are not always, and honestly almost never, necessary.  Except in a true emergency, and not just what we want to place urgency on, there is always time for thought and prayer and the learning that what is happening will be clearer, or even over, after a mere 24 hour wait.  Added also, is that what seems broken, whether in a relationship, a requirement placed on yourself, or just a piece of furniture, was either not a needed item and can be let go or needs the time and care to be placed right again, something only the Gospel can bring.

Have you taken the opportunity to recognize the Good from your year?  Specifically those treasures hidden in the rock hard things bring.  Focus on that for a moment, look for His Good.

With every ending comes a beginning whether we are at the end of a year, the end of a day, or the end of a moment.  In the short journey for a new word to place as a compass for life in this next 365ish days there was a leading towards so many directions that it was assumed somewhere the world's magnetic pull had disappeared sending the needle spinning wildly.  Thoughts of the need for contentment rose in the most uncomfortable of ways and in the midst of reactions that do not drip with pride.  The desire to give what we have to others and take--accept--the treasures others have to give sent a warming smile throughout my being.

But confusion came next due to those words feeling awfully familiar.  After a bit of research through past writings, the mystery was solved as those were both words chosen in past years.  Contentment, give/take, and slow were each contemplated during the first three years of choosing a word to lead my thoughts.  Explore and enjoy was begrudgingly settled upon at the beginning of our year of infamy  and then after months and months of not understanding why I always felt so unsettled God in his violent love blew life up so that He could rebuild it.  Abide, onward, and wait took up the three years after taking me down roads never ventured that felt oddly comforting even in their unfamiliarity.  So here, this day, if my heart is hearing correctly which, lets face it, is never a guarantee, I am choosing the word deeper.

Deeper.  Deepening all parts of life.  Delving under to the depths of not only more that each of these words hold, but more of the parts of life given to me.  There has always been a temptation of skimming the surface; of doing what is expected, getting the jist, making it good enough for now until I can come back later and really invest.  Well that time is now.  Going deeper will take time, commitment, and discovering what is a priority and what is just distraction.  Going deeper is also not a place to venture alone.

When you choose to go deep spreading yourself thin is not an option, when you choose to go deep it will have to involve choosing less.  However, in the choosing of less, you will automatically get more.  More knowledge of a topic, more understanding of a person, more enjoyment from a moment, more gratification from an accomplishment, and more familiarity with a Father who has given your these opportunities to begin with.  

Madeline L'engle wrote "The times I have been most fully me are when I have been wholly involved in someone or something else; when I am listening, rather than talking...I look forward to deepening relationship with my husband, my children, my friends but knowing more of Him.  

That will be the best deepening of all.

So taking each of those past words chosen, I will rely on Grace given to delve deeper.  One at a time, a month or so at a time, starting with contentment, because in a life desiring to run hard after Christ that is where it needs to begin.

"One of the most beautiful fruits of grace is a heart that is content, more given to worship than demand and more given to the joy of gratitude than the anxiety of want. When you are satisfied with the Giver, because you have found in him the life you were looking for, you are freed from the ravenous quest for satisfaction that is the discouraging existence of so many people." Paul David Tripp

I hate to even attempt to guess how many times I will stumble, fall, and fail.  They will be countless.  I can promise you that, but I can also hold on to the promise of Hope that those new mercies do come each morning.  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; [because] GREAT is [His} faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23.  

Please remember there are an infinite number of endings that can happen in life which just means there are an infinite number of beginnings following them.  Choose next steps slowly, carefully, forgiving yourself when you hesitate, giving yourself grace when you falter and fall, all the time remembering that you were not meant to do it alone and not meant to accomplish all the things, just one at a time.

Find the one thing God is calling you to do next and go after it trusting that even if it feels like no progress is being made that He is working, always working, in the midst of everything; crafting in your heart, in your mind, and in your habits the emotions, thoughts, and skills needed to put into bodily action what is being prepared in Spirit.

I am praying for your next thing, for finding the direction you are being called, and for being able to delve deeply into it. Pray for me.

its not just semantics

It's been said that the words you use when you speak to your dog mean very little.  As long as your words are said in a joyful, sing song tone your canine friend will jump in your lap, cuddle up, attempt to cover you with kisses and think they are loved beyond all reason.  For example, if you say, "hey you stupid thing you're so gross and hairy and annoying, yes you are!" in that lovable way that even the toughest of tough can conjure up with their furry friends then you are giving them words of complete affirmation because the sound they hear is full of love and appreciation.  My late golden retriever daughter Daisy was often on the other side of less than loving words dripping with affection.

It's not that easy with the human kind.  Yes, the tone of our words absolutely does matter and that is a lesson we all learn and usually the hard way as we get hurt or hurt others with a sharper tongue than anticipated or with one that was sharpened just for the occasion.  Yes, it's true that you will catch more bees with honey and no one is better at that than the truly southern lady or the British aristocracy, both having the uncanny ability to put you in your place without losing their polished sense of decorum.

Beyond the way our voice tumbles forth, beyond the sing song and the sugars and the bless your hearts, are the phrases we put together to share our thoughts or advice or commands.  The sounds of my voice can not cover up the heart behind my words and so it goes with everyone else as well.  Out of the mouth your heart speaks (Matt 15:18) and no amount of honey can sweeten words that come from a heart not abiding in the love of Christ and desiring to carry that forward.

What feels like ages ago, and actually was if I'm being honest with myself, was a young twenty something girl attempting to mold young second grade minds.  It took about a week before a verse was printed out in color and BOLD print and taped to a desk never to be removed even when that job was abandoned for a life at home with a blond baby boy.  There for me to look at every time I needed it, which was every second of the day, was Ephesians 4:29, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

This was not a banner for my Christian holiness but a necessary and sometimes desperate attempt to keep myself in line with the Spirit and not give into my flesh when children act how they will in fact act, when parents doubt your abilities, and when you are tempted to be sucked in to the other adults around you whose desire to vent is way too tempting.

That verse has stuck with me.  It lives inside my head and appears quite frequently, mostly when I'm begging for the reminder and occasionally when I'd rather it leave me alone so the words welling within me can erupt and give me that brief bit of satisfaction before the after effects set in.  It encourages me when I'd rather hide from conversation than confront it.  It aids me as I search for words to to help and build. It allows me to be silent and listen instead as other's are carrying out it's commands in my life.

It's a daily ritual for me to ask my boys, after they have said something, to try again, to rephrase whatever words they shared in a better way to get the outcome they really desire.  Even in those marital discussions that we like to pretend aren't really arguments, I have been known to respond with "...but if you had just said it in this way I wouldn't have gotten so upset."  Most often though it's me looking back at my words, at my responses, at the ways I could have rephrased to be a help instead of part of the problem, to build up and not be unwholesome.

Our words carry weight.  Our words have the ability to harm and to heal.  And if given without thought, without prayer, without purpose, they will explode into the air missing important targets and leaving shrapnel in places that might take years to discover, no matter the voice that accompanied them.  

The world may call this semantics, changing our words for greater appeal.  I think God calls it speaking the truth in love (Eph 4:15).  Truth doesn't mean blunt honesty with no thought of another's feelings.  Just as love does not mean avoiding a topic because of affection or saying only what people want to hear.  The two must go together as you love someone enough to bring them honesty in a caring way, the honest words they need and you need to grow into a closer relationship with each other and in a closer relationship with Christ.

Believe me when I say you do not want to speak love without truth because consequences come as you try to please and appease instead of confidently standing up for yourself or instead of confronting another in their sin for fear that anger and defensiveness could be the result.  I am an example in more situations than one, a recovering people pleaser with plenty of scars to show for my efforts.  Just as important, is to not spew words of truth because you know it's truth without allowing The Spirit to soften them first.  Cuts of criticism do not heal quickly when the soothing act of love is not alongside to assist.

In the end, though,  I will fall short more often than not, but can rest in the Hope I have that I am loved and I am forgiven and that my best efforts and my most massive mistakes can be redeemed by my Creator and used to bring Him glory.

*If you would like to read more in this not so planned series about words please check out these thoughts on words and asking the right questions.  I would love to hear your thoughts!

ask the right questions

Parenthood most often starts with a wee little babe whose only ability to communicate is through noise, either the lack of it or the very real presence of it.  This defenseless little being is either quiet and cooing or crying, with little time in between.  (un)Rest assured it will not be in a peaceful, tears of silence and emotion rolling down the cheeks way, but rather in a loud and demanding I will only get louder until I'm helped way. And so begins the dance of lovingly doing what you can to make sure the balance scales dip much more deeply towards the quiet coo. 

Years will go by and the dance that often brings your blood pressure rising will subside though the ring in your ears will not.  Tears are still a constant, over things you completely understand and more things you can not for the life of you figure out.  However, words have been learned and minds have come alive to the world around them and now the questions start.  Everything in sight has hundreds of questions that can be asked about it.  Don't believe me?  Ask anyone who has been around a child for any length of time.  Color, shape, reason for being, what it does, why is it there, where did it come from, can I jump on it, can I throw it, can you move it, can I eat it, is it alive, is it dead, what does that mean...and so on and so on until either this little inquisitor has moved on to the next item or you have somehow managed to attract their attention elsewhere long enough to get a drink because your mouth is so parched from the neverending explanations.

I love the questions.  I really do.  Watching anyone become awake to their surroundings and long to understand them in a fuller way is a beautiful thing because you can't learn unless you ask and it takes a certain type of courage to ask about something you do not understand.  There's a good chance those feelings are a direct line from the teacher in me and if so praise God for it.  But, with the divine trinity being the exception, there's usually a downside for every good thing and questions are no different.  The minds that want to know why in a cheery inquisitive way share space with the why that eventually comes out not so cheery with its headstrong, disgusted, and usually whiny undertones. After so many of these but whys expressed in a nasally voice you'll hear coming out of your own mouth, after suppressing the two word phrase you'd love to say, the four words you swore you'd never say, "Because I said so!" 

Equally as frustrating is when their one small need could be fixed if they had just asked for help instead of sitting still ignoring the situation, unsure of when to speak or taking care of the problem on their own resulting in a much bigger mess that needs to be cleaned up later.  UGH!

My mind has still been thinking about words and the ways we should use them to be helpful both for ourselves and others.  There have been many lessons recently among the blonde boys I get to hang around with questions as the topic.  Most specifically how to use your words to form questions to get something you want or need instead of staring at me blank faced complaining or shoving something in my face with a demand.  Holding a cup an inch from my nose saying "Get me milk" will get you nowhere but "Mama will you please fix me some milk" will most definitely be rewarded with the item you seek.  Likewise a disgusted look along with the words "My book is gone" will you get you an I'm sorry on a good day and something quite different on a bad one, but "Have you seen my book" will grant you a far more favorable response.  Delivery is everything and the heart behind it as well.

I'm not much different than my boys when it comes to complaints and questions nor are most other adults.  It's easy to have teachable moments with kids both with everyday demands and heart shepherding issues because I am keenly listening to their words as they come out. The one I need to listen to more often is myself.  It's very easy to slip into the habit of complaining about your surroundings and circumstances, filling your needs with people and things that do absolutely nothing to fulfill, or even getting hurt from the actions and words of others because you aren't asking the questions you need to be asking, the questions that will bring answers that help directed to the One who is the source of it all.

My days start in prayer.  Well, most of my days start in prayer.  In complete quiet and conversation with Him I feel at peace and filled with the fruit that only comes from abiding, thankful for my first moments being His.  Then my day starts and I better hope I've been fueled enough because as I go about my way I forget to come back to the source I so desperately need to draw from.  And in effect I begin to do the very things I have been teaching my children not to do.  I smile, I talk, I produce, I accomplish, I demand, I complain, I get hurt, I buck up and try again, I whine, I escape.  I seldom stop.  I seldom ask.  My words are not questions fueled by a desire to heal my soul or to grow in righteousness.

In a quick search on asking questions I found this quote by Shannon Adler, Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, "What else could this mean." 

I am well aware what a change that one simple act would make in my relationships here on Earth, but how different would my days be if in every moment, every joy, every struggle instead of complaining or coasting through, I lifted my eyes to my gracious Creator and asked "What else could this mean, what else are you trying to show me through this?"  We are promised that He is at work.  In the height of persecution towards him in John 5:17 Jesus said "My father is working until now, and I myself am working" beginning that "good work that will be carried to completion in us (Phil. 1:6)"

We crave quick fixes, we search for instant relief from our troubles, we long to escape, internally for some and externally for others.  We covet lives that appear easy which coincidentally means lessons are never really learned but plenty of bandaids are unwrapped in an attempt to cover up the gaping holes.  I pray that I will stop and that you will stop, and ask.  That we will use our words to form those questions that will shape our lives and shape our hearts and shape our actions that will bring us closer to God and that will make His glory known to those around us as they see the effect it has on our lives.

words

"We live and breathe words..." ~Cassandra Clare

How true is this statement.  Words are very much the life and breath of our days.  They portray our feelings, share our concerns, teach our children, effect our hearts, overwhelm our motherhood, cheer our teams, bring tears at times and smiles at others...I could go on and on.  They, no matter what walk of life, fill our minds to overflowing daily.  Whether those words are read, spoken, thought, signed or even dreamed, our lives are teeming with words to hear, see, and process.

I have a love/hate relationship with words.

Fortunately, love is usually first.  Words are quite often my favorite thing.  I am, in fact, so fond of them that I spend a fair amount of time the end of a year and the beginning of the next searching and praying for a single word to inspire the new year's focus.  One word to rule them all you might say. 

I relish receiving and giving words whether it be quick texts of encouragement, exasperations or random thoughts only the person they are directed to would understand, the sharing of a funny, often embarrassing, story or a long, drawn out, lazy conversation with a friend.

 

I also have a special fondness for reading words in books.  Words that take me to places I've never been, remind me of places I love, and capture my thoughts and expand my heart with sentences I would never quite be able to construct on my own.

If you were to weigh both sides, love would most likely win out but the negative feelings words can bring would be peering over my shoulder waiting for the chance to butt in. Lined up right next to all the things I love about the beauty of words are all the things I hate about the power they can wield.  Because for every phrase of encouragement is a comment spoken in rash frustration.  For every soul lifting chat with a friend is a criticism taken the wrong way or sadly taken with the hurt that it was meant to carry.  

I live constantly on both sides of the coin, as one who lifts up and lets down, as one who gets lifted and is both unintentionally and intentionally pushed.  I'll bet everyone else does as well.

Already today I have had multiple experiences with the flip side of the love/hate and here we are not yet in the mid afternoon.  This morning brought need to remind one son  that the tone of his words carry more weight than the words themselves when speaking to his brother.  Another scenario required a mini lesson on how to use words to ask for something specific instead of complaining about something else.  I apologized to my oldest for not truly listening to his words before responding with some of my own and in the same respect was brought to tears (which I admit doesn't take much) by a woman who didn't understand my situation before giving what could have been a heartbreakingly definitive statement.

What amazing peace it would bring to have the second half of that relationship disappear.  What amazing peace would come from love being the only feeling, even in those not so positive moments, and the slash with hate right behind it would never enter a scenario.  Before assuming that is a pipe dream wish, I believe it's much more possible than is realized.  Glancing back at these few examples and the thousands upon thousands of others stacked up in my long term memory files, I see something missing in almost every one, letting the most important Words rule my heart and mind first.  First and foremost in my life, in my listening and in my speaking should be the Words God has spoken for us and to us.  As His child I am asked to Rejoice in Him alone, Hope in Him alone, Trust in Him alone and Be satisfied in Him alone.  If I'm abiding with Him than the words I speak will be ones that lift and not harm.  If I'm abiding with Him than the words others speak will, no matter their intention, be used for good because the Holy Spirit protecting my heart will help me see the Truth among them.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits (Proverbs 18:21)  I want the seeds that I sow, the fruit that I eat, the fruit that I serve to others to be sweet, healthy and nourishing but I know all to well that unless my tongue, my words, in whatever form they come out, aren't spoken from a heart fully centered in Christ then 'clanging symbols and noisy gongs' won't have nothing on the rotten fruit I'm trying to pass over as a generous offering.  Years ago  while I was in high school a missionary close to my heart had cards of various quotes he liked to hand out.  From that day until the day I left college to begin my 'real life' on my bulletin board on a card of neon yellow were bold black letters that prayed "LORD LET MY WORDS BE SWEET AND TENDER, FOR TOMORROW I MAY HAVE TO EAT THEM."

I don't think this thought journey is complete quite yet.  Instead of clarity that has now wrapped everything up in a pretty bow,  the clear picture has now caused my brain to begin to reel with the lessons I need to learn and the ways my heart needs to change.  Since words are still a vital part of my every day, as they are yours, pondering will need to be done, prayers will desperately be extended, and Hope will be clung to as I journey to fill and be filled with words that bring True Life and True Breath.

Pray for me.  I'll be praying for you.