for when you are learning to love: questions to ask

It's Spring.  Where life's changes are seen as much in our schedule as they are in nature.  There are two baseball practices on the schedule tonight which means dinner needs to be ready early which means I cannot do my usual afternoon class at the gym which means I 'needed' to go to the gym in the morning which means writing is happening during rest time which means that any other productive things that needed to be done had to happen first thing this morning which means after all the kids are in bed tonight a bathtub full of bubbles and epsom salt will be calling my name.

Basically from before first light until long after the light fades this evening the day's to dos have wound themselves into a weird and complex reverse version of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie except that there will not actually be any delicious chocolate chip yumminess as a reward.  Or maybe...

This journey from the past weeks of learning to love started as a yes to a command but has continued with many other types of YESes as understanding has continued to grow and places in my heart either with known hardness or unknown places to begin with have opened and felt that warmth of our loving Father preparing it to love in return.

There are many ways that reduce you to a place of humility.  One is to take the time to truly search and study a specific part of your life and begin to see, as you go on, how much was unknown and misunderstood; how much mystery there was in the midst of all the knowledge.

However, there are many ways to build up thankfulness within your heart.  One is to take the time to truly search and study part of your life and see how faithful God is to reach down to exactly where you are, in all your mysterious misunderstandings, and grow and change and lift your knowledge to a place closer to wisdom.

Because of this brief time squeezed in between preschool and elementary school pickups, with Narnia and a 5 year old's commentary as my soundtrack, instead of finishing up these weeks of love learning there will instead be a few questions to ponder before the finale next time around.  Using your words to ask the right questions is a vital step to developing the wisdom we long to have.  Until you know the questions to ask, you might never know if you have found the answer.

Part 1.  We began with just the first step of wanting to love, wanting to learn to love better knowing that "wisdom does not come when life works out perfectly, it comes when you fall but when you get up and try again."  Have you tried during these past weeks and failed?  Lord knows I have.   What situation(s) did you recognize a need to love better or to even let love In to it to begin with?

Part 2.  Defining love was an integral part of this journey.  Love, is an inner disposition that produces compassionate acts that builds up the object of your love.  Constant reflection on this definition has no choice but to begin to change your heart and open it up to not just recognizing compassionate acts but building a desire to produce them within the lives of others.  Have your compassionate acts towards others change and how can they still change and improve?  Write down those ways that you can see that changing in your heart, the ways compassionate acts of have achieved the building up of others.  When you see the way God has achieved that in your so far it will be a blessed encouragement when you also recognize those places where growth still needs to come.

Part 3. Learning the truth that we can't love might be difficult to take but in time makes this whole process so much easier. Have you embraced this truth? Do you know that you, on your own. do not have the capacity to love?

Part 4. We are able to love for one single reason, we were loved first (john 4:19)  It's not us, ever. It's all Him in us.  Knowing this, when a failure at loving occur there is no doubt it had it's roots in not trusting Jesus and trying to love on our own but how specifically is the right question.  In what ways and with whom are you trying to love on your own instead of letting Jesus love through you?

Part 5. ...the beauty revealed through everything covered in Christ is beauty unsurpassed. It is possible to not just live through difficult situations but to LOVE through them as well. Using the encouraging words from Isaiah 7:4 we learned to 1. be calm 2. be careful 3. do not fear and 4. do not let your heart grow weary. Unfortunately in this sinful world in which we live, difficult situations, of all scheme and scope, are inevitable and much more frequent than we would like. What situations are taking their toll on you right now? Recognize them, label them, and lay them down to the one who will not just love you through them but will enable you to love through them as well.

I'm praying for you as you reflect on these past few weeks lessons and, like in the Spring, you see the beautiful changes already made and the ways He will be faithful to bring about more. Pray for me.

for when you are learning about love part 4: Him first

The house we have called home for almost two years now sits on a corner and is surrounded by yard, yards in fact, full of trees to climb and hide under, grass for running and rolling, stone walls for jumping and upping the coolness of sword fighting and the occasional pretty flower that I haven't yet accidentally killed, but have no worry there is still time for that.

Three boys spend many hours using the space for exactly why it was created, to live and move and have their being.  Somewhere amidst the middle of disagreements, one on one on one basketball games, and too many ninja/knight/star wars battles to count an appreciation is being built for the beauty of the outside world while inside their hearts, the groundwork that can continually connect that love they have for creation for the love the Creator has for them is being laid and cultivated.

Surrounded by a fence, the only area blocked for every day play, lies a most favored part of the outdoor adventure space, our pool.  As soon as weather and water are warm enough gates are unlocked-with adult supervision of course- to this space where everything from relaxation to intense competition takes place.  However, if you were to walk out today and take a glance at this treasured spot, you would fail to see the inviting blue sparkly water begging you to put your toes in.  You would also fail to see the somewhat green-tinged not as inviting water that tends to spring up in the off season.  Instead, before you lies an empty cement hole, banged up a good bit, missing integral pieces, most importantly water, that makes a pool serve it's designed purpose.  Sure standing at the bottom of an empty deep-end is a semi cool experience and having a sword fight there did make a 5 and 7 year old boy giggle with glee but that fun is most assuredly short lived when you know what the full potential of the space feels like.

Without the essential element that fills it up, a pool is simply a hole in the ground; likewise without the love given through the Perfect Love, a heart is simply a lump of muscle pumping blood to keep your body alive but doing nothing for the Spirit within.  Both items are needed, but until they are filled to overflowing with that one key ingredient they will continually cease to perform their designed purpose.

While walking down this bumpy road of learning about love, we recognized the need to actually love better or at all, we have discussed what love truly is, and that we are not at all capable of doing it but hopefully you remembered, "do not despair because you cannot love, none of us can.  Do not give up because you have been hurt, we all have.  Do not fear because you are terrible at loving another, we all are.  Hold on to the Hope of the promises our Savior fulfilled.  Rest in the Peace he brings in the midst of your turmoil.  Rejoice with the Joy that he is above all circumstances."

So then, how is possible? How do we go about loving another?  How in the midst of our massive inability are we able to do anything?  Like all things we fail at doing, when we dig and dig to the root where we will find waiting the same Truth, the same wondrous reason for how "we can do all things" (phil 4:13)

We are able to love for one single reason, we were loved first (john 4:19)  

A simple statement that holds the heaviest of weight.  However quickly spoken, it is a thought and truth that can be unpacked and put away into every nook and cranny of your life each and every day.

Jesus is the beginning of it all; the beginning of our ability to see that we need to love, how we understand what love truly is, and the reason we can't, no matter how hard we try, love another on our own.

Because we are loved, we see the need to love.
Because we are loved, we understand what True love is.
Because we are loved, we can love, not on our own, but with the love given to us.

In Life Together, Bonhoeffer continues his look at human and spiritual love by saying "spiritual love comes from Jesus, it serves Him alone...it is bound solely to his Word...because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother" and if you remember, on any day, your enemy can even
be who you believe you love the most.

If ever I am given the honor of writing a book or multiples at that, one will be about this tricky topic of loving others.  It's title, already jotted down in one of my notebooks is "It's not me, It's You: loving because Jesus loves first" 

It's all Him guys, but He openly and lovingly gives it to us to then give away, amen and hallelujah.

Jesus is that Perfect Love, the water to your swimming pool, that essential ingredient to the heart, and we are told that Perfect Love casts out any fear. (1 john 4:18)  Yes, you may make a list of all your fears-if you want to see mine here it is-and see how that Perfect Love takes those fears away, lets you see the truth behind them, and ultimately just reminds you of who is holding you throughout everything.  Because of that, Do not fear.

Another thing fear does is keeps us from loving others because we fear the rejection of not being loved in return.  As that Perfect Love fills all your spaces it pushes those fears out and allows us to love others because we aren't looking for something in return.  If we are filled to overflowing with His love it's not the love of others that matters, but His and His alone.

In one of the most common passages about love we learn that love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. (1 cor. 13:4-8)

And if God is Love, then this is a description of His character towards us, His children, as well as an example of the Love we are capable of only because of Christ's Perfect Love in us.  Will we fail, yes.  Will His Love fail us, never.

However, the first four verses before those oh so familiar ones are not to be ignored.  Within them are wise words reminding us of what happens when we try to go forth on our own, love on our own, without Love within us.

Two years ago on our second trip to RO we studied these words in depth and were given the task to reword them, making them specific to our struggles, to our personality, to what our imperfect love could result it if not overwhelmed with the only Perfect Love.  I'd love for you to try it and share your results.  For me it looked something like this...

If I speak with kind words and encouragements but do not have love I am at best morally superior and at worst an annoying goody goody or hypocrite.

If I show empathy and understanding to a situation and give great advice believing all will get better but do not have love I am of no help or significance to another.

If I sacrifice my money and time for my children, friends, and strangers but do not have love I might as well have given them nothing.

Love is patient and kind, it doesn't show off and point at itself on instagram or facebook.  It does not assume its way is better or get mad when things do not work out perfectly.  Love does not enjoy when others fail but gives praise for the glory of God in everyone's life.
Love takes it all in, the good, bad and ugly, it believes in Truth and clings to Hope knowing whatever comes that love will never fail.

Our pool guy told me not to look outside until all the work was done because it would be a mess, it would not be pretty behold but all I could think was if I miss the mess in the middle, the ugly parts, the not so pretty in the midst of restoration, how can I fully appreciate the beauty of the end result?

Though that Perfect Love is indeed living in you, this loving thing still might look like a big ol' mess to you before it ever looks anywhere close to good, but without seeing your beginning and middle you can not fully appreciate the end God has already begun to reveal and will fully complete as promised.

I'm praying you will see His love first so that His is what you give away, pray for me.

For other posts in the learning to love series...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 5 

Part 6

for when you're learning about love part 3: we can't do it

"It is more difficult to love than to be confessional; it costs more to love than to be missional; and love calls for more humility and self-denial than piety."  ~Dr. Mike Ross

Last week, when sharing what Love really is, I spoke of the difficulty of truly showing love.  I hope you thought about it and I hope you experienced the hardness of it, not because misery loves company, but because experiencing something in a fuller and truer way does wonders for your ability to understand and transform knowledge in your head to wisdom in your heart.  And "from out of the heart your mouth speaks" Matt 15:18

Whether it is a lax in parenting, my cooking skills--which I always thought highly of before--, the knowledge that all children are different no matter how similarly raised, the predisposed condition of sin in our hearts, or a perfect storm of all of the above, we have been fighting some MAJOR food battles in our home.  All the preparation of our own hearts and his through planning and conversations in no way truly prepared any of us for the insanity of getting one child to take one bite of one thing that everyone else at the table finds perfectly acceptable and even delicious.

It took about a week to hone in on a method that my husband and I both felt was equally helpful and necessary to get the deed done at each meal where a different food tasting was required.  The process was still not enjoyable but at least there was a consensus among the grown ups.  However, it took well over a week for either of the supposedly intellectually superior humans in the house to understand the real problem. It was truly not a picky eater we were at war against, it was a stubborn and sinful heart that wanted nothing but its own way.

This came clear one evening when the precious face sitting at the table expressed rather passionately "I just don't like doing what I don't want to do!"

Bless his heart, mine, and everyone else's.  He nailed it.  There in the midst of his current turmoil, he spoke straight to the heart of each of ours.  We just do not like doing what we do not want to do. 

There are so many reasons our heart does not love, does not produce an inner disposition full of compassionate acts to build others up.  Never once will you hear me say that your reasons, whatever they might be, are not very real to you and therefore important in understanding your actions and your heart.  And if you do, please throw these next words straight back at me (in a loving way of course).

Our inability to love others, whether as a whole or a specific individual, stems from real life, below the surface struggles.  The actions and consequences produced may be completely visible above the surface, but there is an iceberg hiding underneath that can take down any size relationship no matter how seemingly unsinkable.

The lack of love can come from a lack of compassion and empathy, not being able to understand another's emotion.  It can come from a lack of forgiveness, a wall in your heart between you and another built through unforgiveness that love can not permeate.  The lack of real love felt in one's own life keeps you from being able to love another.  The saying "Hurt people hurt people" poetically wraps up the cycle of unloving prevalent in every relationship that has existed since the fall.

And in full disclosure, all honesty, transparency, and vulnerability, getting back to the lessons five year olds can teach you about what is going on in your own heart, love is often something we just don't want to do.

But no matter how hurt we may have been, no matter how justified we may feel in our unloving, no matter how much is below the surface, down deeper, beneath the places we have even thought to look, stands a Truth that goes far beyond not wanting to love.  It is the fact that we CAN'T love.

It his book Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, when talking about community, spends a good deal of time comparing humanity to spirituality and in that includes the ability and inability to love another.  He tells us that "human love is directed to the other person for his own sake.  It wants to gain, to capture by every means; it uses force. It desires to be irresistible, to rule."  Because of this "Human love cannot love an enemy...where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short--namely, in the face of an enemy."

If I'm understanding his reasoning, than I have to assume when he uses the word enemy he is not referring, or just referring, to someone who has hurt you in a monumental way.  He is encompassing any and every person that keeps you from getting what you want at any specific moment.  On any given day your enemy could be those you love the most.

Of the millions of lessons learned from these past thirty five years of life, twelve years of marriage, and ten years of parenting it is that as much as I think I love my family and friends, as much as I think I would do anything for them at any moment, I on my own will never live up to my own expectations.  I will fail to love them in countless ways, every single day.  Sometimes its because I just don't want to love, I am loved out.  Sometimes its because I'm hurting, physically, mentally, spiritually, and hurt them in return.  Sometimes it's because of a lack of understanding of what they are truly feeling and going through.  Sometimes it's when I am giving them the very best of the love I have but have forgotten that my humanity can not truly do the job Love is required to do.  My very best is still the filthiest of rags.

BUT, "right here is the point where spiritual love begins..." ~Bonhoeffer

Up next, will be How we love and just in case you were wondering it starts with Jesus.  If you will forgive my rudimentary paraphrasing of Colossians 1, He is the beginning and the end of it all.  In Him alone do all the things in this crazy, beautiful, divinely created, full of sinful-hearted human world hold together.

Until then, do not despair because you cannot love, none of us can.  Do not give up because you have been hurt, we all have.  Do not fear because you are terrible at loving another, we all are.  Hold on to the Hope of the promises our Savior fulfilled.  Rest in the Peace he brings in the midst of your turmoil.  Rejoice with the Joy that he is above all circumstances.

I'll be praying for you,  pray for me.

Other posts from the Learning about Love series

Part 1 

Part 2

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

for when you are learning about love part 2: what is love?

There have already been tears this morning.  Tears over inexperience, frustration, lack of understanding, risk of humiliation, fear of disappointing myself, others, someone.  Tears over venturing forth into a topic I have not and honestly will not, if lessons so far have been any indication, master. Why is there this need (desire, push) to try to tackle it?  Seriously people, this is hard as heck already!  Why in the Sam Hill am I doing this!?  --sorry my southern tends to elevate when emotions are high...plus, who is sam hill anyway?--

Surely there are classes about this somewhere, which are taught by much more qualified, educated, and theologically trained humans.  Am I just reinventing the wheel? Or more like remaking a much shoddier wheel that could bring the whole car down?  Lord Jesus, protect the passengers.

(I really wanted to say "Jesus take the wheel" right there, but the sarcasm might not have come through and instead it would feel like the cheesy factor had been pushed up to uncomfortable levels.)

Love is a huge topic. Love is something that could be written about daily and still never truly unpacked. Love is the reason "the word became flesh and dwelt among us" (John 1:14) because "God so LOVED the world..." (John 3:16). The massive quantity of verses, interpretations, the ways it fits into every single aspect of life is what starts the knots in my stomach. There's a meteor shower of thoughts in my head, which all have the potential to be beautiful if seen, but moving so fast it instead feels like a 360 degree fireworks show and you're not sure where to look.

So why write about Love?

The answers that come are, for one, because I am supposed to. I'm saying another scary yes on the road to obedience and faith where swerving will most certainly happen.

Two, because chances are, the majority of you are also feeling unqualified, uneducated, and untrained on this subject, and by sharing my struggles, it will encourage you to try to tackle yours as well.  Together, we are learning, taking on topics, and searching our souls to try and change our inner dispositions to be more like Christ, and walking alongside another in the midst of it makes all things better. 

Three, because there are just some subjects you can't take a class on, score a 100 on the test, and then move on to the next thing--I'm talking to you every geography map quiz I ever took.

Some information is so important you HAVE to seek, gather, put on lists or in bullet journals or note taking apps, or just let soak into your mind. By whatever means necessary for you, it must be done to become part of your being, mixed in with the knowledge already gleaned, and play itself out with the rest of the wisdom gained through practice and experience, failures and successes.

Yes, much more qualified people can explain it better and understand it better than me or you, but the question is, do we understand it, and if not, well, let's ask for guidance and go forward and try.

Tuesday is piano day on our family calendar. Two of my three boys are in lessons now, and while they both really enjoy lesson day, there is more than one occasion during the week when the reminder or command to practice causes less than acceptable responses. "It's hard", "I don't know how to play this one", "I don't know what these notes are", and a few others are the phrases whined to me while I stand in the kitchen trying not to grit my teeth or roll my eyes but to instead give the appropriate grown up response.

Whether it is Tuesday piano, math homework, or the numerous sports all the boys love, there is often a push back when time comes to begin practice. Doing the basics becomes boring. Repetition can crush your exuberant spirit with its monotony. In their little hearts (and in ours as well) there is a desire to just be good at something. We want to succeed, to excel even, but when we see the amount of work required to get to where we want to be there is either a pause to ponder, or even a decision to quit before we start, because the goal seems so far out of reach we doubt that it is even worth trying.

Funny thing is, that initial step is what keeps us from moving. Once we get going, once that practice begins, once our body starts to feel the familiarity of what it has learned and shows the signs of improving and of gaining skills, we see the goal getting closer, we see the need to keep going even when we continue to battle the desire to give up, and we look to see the hand of our Creator pulling us through, reminding us of His faithfulness, and calling us to just Trust and walk.

Basics come first, but they lead to big things.

So here we go. Small steps. First things first. When you are learning about love you need to know what love is.

Love is laden with misconceptions. It is forced to take on roles it was never intended to take on, required to fill gaps it isn't fit for, misinterpreted and pronounced nonexistent when really, it is right there ready and willing, trying to pour itself over the hurts and needs of people waiting for it. When love is waiting arms wide open for us to fall into, we reject it, misunderstand it, because it doesn't look the way we think it should look or act the way we want it to act.

When understanding and recognizing love, looking at it in a worldly sense will always skew its original design. There are many words the world uses in one way, but viewed through the lens of the Gospel take on a much different meaning. One such word is Joy.  In the world, we think of joy as happiness that comes from success or good fortune.  With a redeemed heart, we know joy can be found in the deepest sorrow, because joy is not circumstantial - it comes from being in Christ. 

Love is one of those such words.

In the world, 'love' is a greater level of 'like'. It is an 'amped up' feeling of fondness towards a person or an object. If you do not like something or someone, love will never be present. If you stop liking someone or something, love will cease to exist as well.

The best definition I have been given for love was from our former pastor during our hardest season of marriage, and it is one I will not attempt to re-word. Instead, I'll use it, with his blessing, and share it to as many people as I am able.  His definition radically changed the way I love, understand and respond to others, and inspired the title of this little space here on the interwebs where I can share with you.

Love, gospel driven-inspired by God LOVE, is an Inner Disposition that produces compassionate acts that builds up the object of your love.

Love, real and true love, starts inside yourself - your inner disposition - in your heart overtaken by the Spirit. If it doesn't start there, it is not love.

Love produces, not just anything, but it produces compassion. Not just thoughts of compassion, but acts of compassion. If you are not inspired and overwhelmed by the need to feel compassion for another, and to extend compassion to another, then you are not feeling and showing love.

Love builds up the one you are showing love to. To build is to put together, to develop and gradually form, slowly even. Love does not mean puffing someone up. (This is where things can get sticky).  Loving another does not mean telling them what they want to hear, just to make them feel better about whatever they are doing or what is happening. Truly loving is to build, to renovate, to take out parts that are not helpful, so that the parts that are can grow and climb closer to the sun.

Learning what love is will help us see it everywhere, in big ways and small, and will give us the confidence that it is always there to help us place it correctly in the spaces and ways it is intended to be and go.

Later down the road we'll tackle those times when even our best attempts at love will still cause hurt and rejection from another. But, for now, know that when love starts with a pure heart, when its desire is to show compassion, when its goal is to build up and not tear down, then LOVE will shine! Because in the end, it's God in you, not you, who is producing it.

When we understand that Love was not created by us, but put in us by our Creator, the knots in our stomach unravel. Our understanding of it is fine-tuned, and a huge amount of untrodden places are opened up to practice, show, and see love in its desired form.

Please pray for me, for yourselves, for others to truly understand Gospel driven love and the ability to pass it along to the ones around you. I'll be praying for you.

More in this learning to love series...

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4
Part 5

Part 6

for when you are learning about love: sunday song

Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth, AS IT IS HEAVEN...

Refugees
Missionaries
Children killed, sold, lost, and stolen
Immigrants
Minorities
Majorities
All races
All ethnicities
The Church
Governments
Religious leaders
Everyday citizens

We are a mix of thoughts and desires.  Our opinions overtake our compassion.  The desired end for our own goals supersedes the goals for the good of others.  Even the most outspoken for others battles selfishness along the way.

Not us, but you Lord.  Not our will, but yours.

Help us see that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us.

Let that fuel our words and actions more than just help us "survive" the present.  If we know none of our sufferings can compare to the coming glory, we have strength to sacrifice our comfort, our safe cocoons, to live out the gospel in word and deed.

There are those who can not fight for themselves right now.  Let us each find that group that has been placed on our hearts, the ones who at this moment can not fight for themselves. and let us carry their burden; not of our own strength and for our own glory, but with the power of heaven and for the glory of our Father.

Share the Well

Caedmon's Call

Share the well, share with your brother

Share the well, my friend

It takes a deeper well to love one another

Share the well, my friend

Do you think the water knows

Flowing down to the mountain thaw

Finally to find repose

For any soul who cares to draw

Some kindred keepers of this earth

On their way to join the flow

Are cast aside and left to thirst

Tell me now it is not so

Share the well, share with your brother

Share the well, my friend

It takes a deeper well to love one another

Share the well, my friend

And all God's creatures share the water hole

The blessed day the monsoon comes

And in His image we are woven

Every likeness every one

From Kashmir to Kerala

Under every banyan tree

Mothers for their children cry

With empty jar and bended knee

Share the well, share with your brother

Share the well, my friend

It takes a deeper well to love one another

Share the well, my friend

You know I've heard good people say

There's nothing I can do

That's half a world away

Maybe you've got money

Maybe you've got time

Maybe you've got living well

That ain't ever running dry

Share the well, share with your brother

Share the well, my friend

It takes a deeper well to love one another

Share the well, my friend

Share the well, share with your brother

Share the well, my friend

It takes a deeper well to love one another

Share the well, my friend

for when you are learning about love part 1: getting started

God's love for me determines how much love I can hold for another person.  His love is what gives me love and therefore overflows me with love to give away. 

This all seems quite simple and obvious until there is a difficult person in your life to love.  I don't mean on days when your husband forgets to make the bed or your kids disobey all day and whine as if they'll never get another chance to do so or some crazy person takes forever in the grocery store line in front of you.  Those are all moments we are given to show great love but they are short lived and don't cost us too much in the way of heart sacrifice. 

I am talking about people who have hurt you or your family, people who you hear about who have done the unthinkable, people who when you think about them you can feel your blood pressure rise, you can feel your heart drop and you can feel the desire to throw all your beliefs out the window just to hang on to the hard feelings or feel yourself retreat so you can pretend that they're not really there.

  

So many people have others like that where the ache hurts but the cost of loving feels like it could hurt more.  I have that person.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I could say that I love like Christ loves me.  I want to love like He loved me first but it's hard.  On some days it feels impossible.  God is taking me on a journey, an extension of the one he started over a year ago, to help me learn about gospel love.  How to love like Christ in all circumstances and to all people.  It's easy to love the easy ones but we most often aren't called to the easy things.

A little over two years have gone by since writing those words above and still the road to learn to love well, no matter how extensively trodden, is still winding, disappearing into the horizon, the endpoint infinite miles away.  This was to be my own private journey, my lessons in how to somehow, in some way, love like Jesus when most of the time all my will wanted to do was fight, ignore, or defend.  Due to changes in different aspects of life this was pushed onto a back burner because necessity for it at the time, or so I thought, was not as great. 

This is the part where I admit that I just did not want to do it anymore, but was lovingly not let off the hook by God who was telling me to 'big fat do it anyway.' Sigh--slight eyeroll--Fine.  My maturity knows no bounds.

Then after reading some words from my sweet friend Kiley there was that reminder that I'm not alone in my struggle, and not alone in my goal.  

"God calls us to love. Not say we love, but to actually love. This is a hard one for me. I mean, it’s easy to love gypsy children in Romania when I go there each summer. It’s easy to love the innocent 6 year olds that walk into the door of my classroom each day, and the goddaughters whose faces smile when I drive up in their driveway. It’s easy to love the friends that I surround myself with, easy to love the family that loves me back.

But man, it’s hard to love the one who screams words that are everything I’m against. It’s hard to love those who make choices that I believe are just wrong. It is really hard when someone questions my Christianity because of how I mark my ballot. It is especially hard to love when I am so obviously not loved in return...I want to love as Christ so perfectly loves me….we all know good and well that I don’t deserve it. I want people to look at me and know that I love well….no matter what they believe, no matter the color of their skin, no matter how they voted or why, no matter who they love, no matter if they love me back."

Of course my human self being what it is, it was not until just recently--last night as I was falling asleep--that it was placed in my head in no uncertain terms that it was time to broach the subject again.  Not just on my own time, but during these times with you all, so that together we can go deeper into the art of love.

Two separate conversations happened recently on a topic I swore, and still swear, I will never write about. Talking about 'it' is also something I vow to do as little as possible, but the situations arose and, for whatever reason, the heart led words to come out and once they are out there it is impossible to bring them back.  

Through the extensive conversations on the topic that will not be named, I thought of trying to come up with some witty comments or fantastic point dripping with well-read knowledge full of facts and the droppings of qualified names in hopes to gain a bit of respect and to not show a lack of intelligence or a seemingly naive outlook.  Both of those options escaped my abilities because the heart took over and in the end what came out was Jesus.  The Gospel.  His Word.  Letting it apply to all.

Jesus Juke jokes aside, after some frustration, a slight bit of temper flaring, and a little soul searching I've come to the conclusion that it is an honor to be that person.  As Christians, redeemed, restored, and renewed, we have no place to stand except on His righteousness.  Thankfully, there will be times others will need to bring my stray thoughts and extensive subject knowledge back to this core center as well.  It's why we have many parts but are of one body.  Living in Community leading and following and walking alongside.

The older we get the more we realize we know so much, yet know so little.  As eyes are opened to a bigger world with equally as big successes and failures, the need of guidance in my life just grows that much bigger.  Loving.  Learning to love, better or at all, is one of the many that will be broached in the rest of our life here on earth.  Why not let it be now.  

So a warning, one that should not surprise you, but needs to be placed front and center.  I will be bringing Jesus into all of this.  Every post.  Every lesson.  Every struggle.  Every time I feel unloved. Every time I feel unloving.  Every moment when it does not seem worth it anymore.  Every moment when He reaches deep into my heart and reminds me of how worth it it truly is.  Every.  Single.  Thing.

This my friends is not a subject I am an expert on, far from it.  We each have immeasurable experience with having to love, being asked to share and show love to another, but we each have the same immeasurable number of experiences when we failed miserably at times and not completely miserably at others.

Wisdom does not come when life works out perfectly, it comes when you fail but then get up and try again.

Let's try again.  This time not on our own strength but with the strength given to us, living in us by the Spirit, sent from the Son.  It will be hard but I can not think of more things that are worth as much as this. 

Loving others and showing others how we are loved.

In the weeks ahead, will you stick with me?  Walk with me?  Learn with me?  Fail with me and then get up and try again?

I'm praying for you and the future lessons we will approach, pray for me.

Part 2: what is love?

Part 3: we can't do it

Part 4: Him first

Part 5: difficult situations

Part 6: loving them all

for when you are digging up roots

We had lived in this new house for less than six months.  Walls had been painted, furniture set in place, and decor was somewhat coming together.  Plenty was still left to do but considering decorating, revamping, and freshening up my home has a significantly high rank on my lists of favorite things, that is a job that is delightfully unending.

The yard we inherited is beautifully green with spans of open grass suitable for all things sports that three boys fine appealing.  There are also private set aside spots for a soon to be coming chair, the perfect spot for spring and fall reading.  A variety of little spaces give an illusion of rooms in the wide open space where yard games are played, water balloons filled, birds visit feeders, berries picked, or trees climbed depending on in which section you find yourself.

My greatest challenge will not only be adding pretty flowering color but also to not destroy this green haven that has been around for decades. I am not nearly as handy in the outside home world as I am on the inside.  Vision is never a problem, but the results can end up a little brown and crispy more often than I would like.
Although most of the spots out of our doors are ones that I love there was another that stuck out every time I stood on the porch and glanced around the yard.  It cried out for help, or maybe I was crying out to help it, because staring front and center in my view were 30 year old boxwood bushes.

It is a mystery to when my hate/hate relationship with these bushes began, but ever since childhood I would stare at these boxy things cornering curbs, lining up on house fronts, and blocking fences and scowl at their trimmed shape.  Maybe in the elaborate garden of an English manor they have their place but in every home I have lived as an adult they are on the list to go.

One Sunday afternoon while the boys were resting and Zach and I were feeling our Sabbath rest needed to be more active of body to help quiet the spirit, we began tackling the task of ripping out those eye sores of mine. We spent little more than an hour trimming, digging, pulling, and then hauling away.  In little more than an hour this spot that had occupied my line of sight was left clear of debris and ready to bear something new in its space.

In little more than an hour God granted me a milestone moment.   A day where my heart was changed, and I saw more of what He was doing, what he had done.  A day where so many struggles and prayers were whisked away and answered as pieces came together in my head and heart.

 In one afternoon, I learned four fundamental truths at the exact same time...

     1) Roots have to soften if you want to dig them out.  Difficult situations produce growing roots inside your heart just like Truths do.  The longer they live within you the deeper and stronger they grow to the point that they can almost feel permanent.  Ripping them out can be painful, exhausting work.  You can dig all around or you can wield and axe and turn them into shards but either way you will be spent and torn apart.  

The bushes we dug out had been soaking up rain for over a week.  The water had seeped in and softened so that the roots let go of the dirt around them and were able to be lifted out.  The Holy Spirit and the Truth it reveals serves the same purpose.  It can soak into and around the roots in your heart, softening their hold, so that they can be lifted out.  There's still a hole to fill no doubt, and making a hole of any kind does not come without some effort, without some pain.  However when it is not made through violent force, but with tender care it makes all the difference.

2)  Digging out roots is hard work.   Clearing out, digging out, is good.  It provides clean slates, level footing, new beginnings but it is not easy.  It takes effort but more importantly it takes getting started.  My wonderful Mary Poppins said, "once begun is half done."  Standing on the porch staring and grimacing at a bunch of bushes accomplished nothing.  Getting down in the dirt is where I had to be to complete the task.

 C.S. Lewis said "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”  The metaphorical roots that grow within us can be even more difficult and painful to remove but once gone it leaves more space for Truth to root down inside you and "Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." (Eph. 3:17)

3)  You need help.  Uprooting is not for the faint of heart and it is not a job done easily alone. My parents will drive four hours to spend a weekend digging flower beds, trimming trees and planting new things.  I have a friend whose parents have done the same thing several times as well.  Friends will mow your grass when you're sick or out of town, check on your pets, gather your mail.  God places people in your life for community, for bearing one another's burdens, for digging roots out of the ground.

There are people in your life who love you and are willing to drop almost anything to come to your aid, accept their help.  You were not mean to live life alone.

4) The finished result is well worth the work.  One of my favorite feelings is sitting outside all fresh and clean from a shower after a long day of work and enjoying the fruits of the labor.  Getting started might take awhile, there is obvious hemming and hawing sometimes, procrastination at it's finest but in the end when the job has been done the statement "I wish we would have done this sooner" is often uttered.  

I don't always understand God's timing.  Often I feel as if He might have wanted to show me things sooner but was just waiting until I was paying attention, but He is sovereign over all and I pray to accept His perfect plan as it comes or as I notice.

On October 4, 2015, one of my milestone days, I was given the gift of being able to completely forgive, submit to the command to love another even when the world would tell me not to, and just as that space was now cleared and ready for new growth, so was my heart ready to completely heal.  It can still take time, just as it can for you.  Weeds can pop up when the right care is not being taken but Hope remains as the promise of new mercies is ever present and the Divine Gardener is a much better care taker than I.

This is the last of this three part series of days and dates, joys and sorrows, milestones and newness.  I hope at some point my story and my words drifted away and you saw your own in it's stead.

I'm praying for you, pray for me.

No strings attached

When you learn something it can either be immediate like a light bulb coming on at the first touch of a switch,  it can take a few tries just to clear the confusion,  or it can feel like you're beating your head against a wall because, as much as you may want to, you just don't get it.

This new journey,  this learning to love thing,  has already caused some scratches and a big ol' knot as I beat my head against the proverbial brick wall yelling "I just don't get it!" but then in the early morning the light started to grow within my heart as the comforting words of "of course you don't" appeared. 

I realized, while tending to the bruises, that I have desperately been trying to make sense of the completely nonsensical.  Grace and gospel love make absolutely no sense.   Zero.  In fact in the world they make less than zero sense,  in the world's eyes grace and love are downright stupid. (Pardon my use of the s word, as my boys would say)

Grace and love that comes from Christ are freely given, no strings attached, make no sense, impossible to earn, because not one of us deserves it, gifts of the gospel.  Even the smartest of us all can not truly comprehend how it is possible to give and be given and that is what makes it so unearthly beautiful.  We can't analyze, understand, pass a test and shove the grace card in our wallets. 

I have been attaching strings to my love and cutting them one by one when something hurtful or confusing or inconsiderate happens or something I deem not the right and obvious choice of behavior and now there is not so much as a thread left to pretend to hang on to.  While the world would call it a natural and maybe even justified reaction, it is in reality a sin that needs to be addressed because as a child of God I am not of this world.

Showing and giving Grace like I've been shown and given is the call on my heart but in no way am I even a little bit capable of doing it alone.  I have to be rid of myself and fall on the feet of the only one who can.

I have to seek and ask until I am able to give.   Even then I will fail, and repent again and again as its not a one size fits all situations kind of thing.   It's a new road every time, a new challenge to go up against,  and a new chance to let Jesus into yet another piece of my heart that I  realize I have never opened up.

"Lead Me To The Cross"

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemption's hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

[Chorus:]
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

[Chorus]

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

[Chorus]

In Christ I am and a little about love

Way back in the days of 31 I wrote about identity and how vital it is in your Christian walk to know not only know you are God's but what it says about you.  It is impossible to truly love yourself if you don't understand how insanely much you are loved by God.

Recently I am learning how much your identity can also effect how much you can love others.  How strongly I believe God's love for me determines how much love I can hold for another person.  His love is what gives me love and therefore overflows me with love to give away. 

 This all seems quite simple and obvious until there is a difficult person in your life to love.  I don't mean on days when your husband forgets to make the bed or your kids disobey all day and whine as if they'll never get another chance to do so or some crazy person takes forever in the grocery store line in front of you.  Those are all moments we are given to show great love but they are short lived and don't cost us too much in the way of heart sacrifice. 

 I am talking about people who have hurt you or your family, people who you hear about who have done the unthinkable, people who when you think about them you can feel your blood pressure rise, you can feel your heart drop and you can feel the desire to throw all your beliefs out the window just to hang on to the hard feelings or feel yourself retreat so you can pretend that they're not really there.

  

So many people have a person like that where the ache hurts but the cost of loving feels like it could hurt more.  I have that person.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I could say that I love like Christ loves me.  I want to love like He loved me first but it's hard.  On some days it feels impossible.  God is taking me on a journey, an extension of the one he started over a year ago, to help me learn about gospel love.  How to love like Christ in all circumstances and to all people.  It's easy to love the easy ones but we most often aren't called to the easy things.

I am at the very beginning of this trip.  So much so that I can still see the starting point if I turned around to glance.  So much so that it wouldn't take long to run back to the house, unpack my suitcase and pretend that I was never going any where.  My prayer is that I keep walking.  No matter what comes up, I pray that I keep walking.

I will be sharing with you what I'm learning and what I'm struggling with and when I want to quit and when God has helped me walk miles instead of yards.  Today I am kicking off a weekly reminder of who I am in Christ to help me on my journey and to encourage you on whatever path God is sending you down.  From now on, on Tuesdays I am planning to share with you a different verse I have found for my identity list.  A verse that tells me whose I am and what I am because of it.  

Today I am sharing the first one I ever wrote down.

 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Colossians 3:12

In these few words I know that 

He chose me

He set me apart to be special

He loves me, dearly

and because of that I can be compassionate, kind, humble, gentle and patient.  

I can bear His Fruit

because He loved me first

I'll pack that verse along with me and take it on the road.