because even though you can't change your past, you can change someone else's future

At writing workshops, one of the most talked about topics is having an ideal reader.  You need to know who you are talking to in your head so that you can get across the information necessary to that person.  One point that is sure to be made is that you should not make yourself your ideal reader.  You must broaden your scope, be a little more general while staying specific, specifically general, so that you reach a wider audience.  Sound confusing? Well it is.  I have never been good at this, which is probably why I am far from a famous writer, but in my opinion, or at least for my personal desires and purposes, I need to be intimately connected to the topic.  Whatever I am saying has to be something I feel or have felt deeply.  Something that I also need to hear.

To me, if sharing advice or encouragement or knowledge or wisdom, if it is not something you do not also need to hear, you have no business saying it, because you have no understanding from which to pull.  My heart needs to comprehend just how much another heart may need the same words, the same lessons.  If that means a smaller audience so be it. If Jesus can leave 99 to go after just 1, then I can too.

The thing is, if it were possible, I would often make my past self the ideal reader.  What would I say, for example, to the five year old girl so very afraid of the dark, the twelve year old who had no clue how to deal with a friend all of a sudden not wanting to be her friend anymore, the sixteen year old who was trying to balance high school and boys and driving a car without getting lost, the nineteen year old who had her heartbroken, the twenty-two year old newlywed with a new job in a new state, the twenty five year old with a baby completely dependent on her, the thirty-one year old who hit a road bump in marriage so hard it could have possibly totaled the whole thing.

We often say, if we could just go back and tell our past self this, this, and this, everything would have turned out differently, but would it have?  Back to the Future is probably not the most intellectual example to throw in here, but in my recollection, going back and making any changes did not seem to help the future out too much.

Changing our past just isn't going to bring sudden happiness and perfection.  While I do not completely agree with Rafiki when he whacks Simba on the head and tells him it doesn't matter, it's in the past, I highly agree with his next statement, "You can't change it, but you can learn from it."  While we learn, we store away those hard fought lessons for a reason that reaches way beyond our own life's peace.  With our life, we have the ability to change another's.

Not everyone has hit the milestones you have, not everyone has gone through the same suffering that you have, and not everyone who has gone through similar sufferings and experiences have made it to the other side of them.   There is always someone farther ahead of you and there is always someone coming up behind.  One of our jobs as believers is to accept those hands that are there to pull us up and also to reach back with our own hands and pull up another.

We can not do anything about what is done because, as they say, it is done, but we can do something about how we use what happened for not only ourselves, but the ones around us.  By living in community, sharing our stories, and saying out loud the things we know we need to hear instead of pretending as if we have it all together, the ones we walk alongside will see, will hear, will have the opportunity to learn without it having to come in the hardest ways.  Like Hamilton told Eliza, if I had to fight a war just to meet you, it would have been worth it.

My birthday is tomorrow.  37 years.  Dang, that seemed so old when I was in elementary school, but seems so young at this very minute, because of all I know I still have to learn.  Regardless, it's been another year of life on earth, another year of making mistakes, another year of successes, another year of growing, another year of seeing how tightly I am held in the hands of my creator and that abiding in Him truly is the best place to be.  In honor of this milestone, privilege, I want to share some of my hardest earned lessons, the things I would love to tell my younger self, but can't.  Instead I share them with you, the things I want someone else to know in hopes they can learn in an easier way.

*  It's ok to be afraid of the dark, it doesn't make you weak.  It most likely means you have an overactive imagination which just happens to be an amazing character quality.

*  Friendships are hard, but they are worth fighting for.  If there is someone you want to remain in your life, take the time to let them know that.  

*Friendships are hard, and sometimes they need to be let go, and it's ok if it still sucks even if it's also a relief. 

*Friendships are hard and sometimes friendships end and neither of you know why or really wanted it to happen, it just happens.

*  Some boys are insane, emotional, and careless with you heart.  Some boys are kind, thoughtful, and careful with your heart.  That second group of boys will still do stupid stuff.

*It's okay to forgive someone for anything. It doesn't mean you'll still be in each other's life.  The forgiveness is more for your heart anyway.

*  Being an introvert is a dang good character quality and never apologize for it.  It just means you were created to serve this world in a different way with a different view.

*  It's always a good idea to have the conversation.  Even if you're nervous, even if you're terrified, even if you will cry the whole time you are talking.  It's better than leaving needed words unsaid.

*  Almost everything is hard the first time you do it, that's why you need to do it a second time and a third and keep going until its easier.  Except if what you are doing is illegal.  Just stop that now.

*  If something comes easy to you that doesn't come easy to others be thankful.  You found one of your gifts.

*  You do not have to prove anything to anyone.  Be confident that you can feel what is best for you.  If you don't want to do something, don't do it.  If you want to do something, keep at it.  Friends will encourage for both sides, non-friends will pressure you on just one.  Stick with the encouragers.

*  If a boy breaks up with you because you get scared at scary movies then he is an idiot and you are better off without him.

*  If there is something nagging you, deep inside, telling you to do something, it doesn't make you feel better to ignore it.  Step out in faith knowing the one who has called you to it is trying to do something beautiful somewhere.

*  Lifting weights is super fun and makes you feel like a super hero.  And even though you know it is super cliche, throwing them down every once in a while is the best feeling!

*  Parenting is all kinds of hard and all kinds of beautiful and all kinds of exhausting and all kinds of sanctifying and pretty much the best thing I have ever been allowed to do.

*  If you're feeling like a hot mess, say you're feeling like a hot mess.  If you're having a crappy day, say you're having a crappy day.  If you are in love with where you are in life, say that you are in love with where you are in life.  Your honesty is sure to help another be honest as well!

*  If one day it feels like life is falling apart, well it might just be, but that doesn't mean it won't get built right back up again, usually in a different and better way.  

*Pivots in life don't mean you chose wrong the first time, it means that part is done and it's time to move on to the next thing.

and lastly,

*THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!

I would love to hear some of your hard earned lessons, but until then I am praying that you will learn to use them for others and have the opportunity to see how they can change a life, pray for me.

for when you need to know the big picture doesn't matter as much as you think

Our oldest has been introduced to Google Earth and he's obsessed.  I am still not sure if this is a male only obsession or if I'm just a female who happens to not get into it, but either way the introduction came from his daddy who is just as obsessed with it and has been since college.  One day I was walking in our old town main street towing two little boys at the time when the Google car with all it's cameras atop the roof came past us.  One of the two times I have checked Google Earth on my own was sometime after that to see myself on the street.  The other time was in my olden days of being a second grade teacher before smartboards so we all huddled around a desktop to see a visual representation as we were learning the differences between continents, countries, counties, states, and cities.  Every other has been my husband yelling come here and then showing me a view of something somewhere that is obviously amazing enough to interrupt whatever I was doing.

I love this tool and I love his interest.  Watching my boy visually see and seek out places on this earth that are different from his is wonderful for this mama heart.  This quote by Mark Twain is a favorite, "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.  Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime."  Seeking out new places spurs the desire to see new places which opens your heart to learning much about all the people and places God created and placed purposely in this world.  But the best part is not zooming out to see the big picture, it's zooming in to look at the details.

We are often after the big picture of life.  We want to know what's going to happen or why is this happening.  Lord, we pray, just give me a glimpse of the big picture and I promise I'll be able to follow more faithfully.  Truth bomb, it's not really the big picture that we're after, it's the right picture.  We want to see what we want to see.  We want to zoom out in hopes of a glimpse of the finish line, how things will end, we're not really concerned about what it's going to look like on the way.  Confession, if I had been given the gift I so longed for, to see the big picture of my life, I can already tell you I would have planted two feet in the ground as hard as possible and refused to move on.

Seeing the big picture does not matter as much as you think it does, what matters most is the infinite number of little spots that build that picture.  The purposefully, perfectly placed small stories in the middle.  Those are what truly show God's faithfulness. 

In numerous places in the old testament it talks about the Babylonian Captivity, for anyone not familiar to that story this is the jist...Israel was continually ignoring God and was going to be punished by being exiled to Babylon, held captive, taken over by another country and no longer allowed to lead themselves for 70 years.  This got their attention and many wanted to run and hide, but God told them through the prophet Jeremiah that if they would surrender to Babylon they would live, but if they ran and hid they would die.

I say this to explain that the big picture sucked, the big picture was being exiled, away from the country and place you loved, and being ruled by another, but if you get past the big picture and zoom in more and more you can find one person, a man named Daniel.  Daniel is one such perfectly placed spot in the middle of the story.  You see Daniel loved the Lord and God placed him right alongside of the king and used this one person to impact the heart of several rulers who then were able to impact the lives and hearts of their kingdoms with God's Kingdom.

Zooming down through the messy picture of powertrips and war and captivity is a single spot of love and grace working and growing.  Daniel is not the only spot.  Ruth was one in the middle of the time of Judges. One story of one woman, who became great grandmother to King David in the lineage of Christ.  Paul was one in the middle of torturous persecution.  Jesus, the brightest spot, came in the midst of terrible Roman rule to an obscure place in the middle of a tiny insignificant town.  We are each one.  Each of us in the middle of what feels like a mess are a single spot, perfectly placed tangible examples of God's faithfulness to His people and His promises.

Life is ever changing, human leadership is ever changing, we are ever changing while constantly learning, growing, and being made new.  Some days we feel as if we are being held captive in our own Babylon, some days we feel as if we are basking in the sun of the promised land.  Some days two people looking at the same event are feeling both extremes simultaneously.  If given the chance to see the big picture we most assuredly would not look through it with the same eyes God is able to, so instead of worrying about the big picture, focus on the single spot you make in the midst and do that work He has given you well while ever glorifying Him.

Praying today that you not only see the spot you have been placed in, but grow to love the purpose you hold while there and see the beauty that is being made.  Pray for me.

for when you need contentment in the calling

As we conclude our look into these next Ten months, let us remember past Truths that have been revealed and concentrate on opening our hearts to the new ones God so lovingly and continuously presses upon us because of the beautiful gift of Grace.  

He is our simple answer in the midst of the complicated world, the one who gave us "time."  

And in the midst of all unknowns, we are Known to Him and when we Abide and Obey we can hear and follow His call in our lives.  

Though you would think the hard part is over once we hear, it only begins, as we then have to be content in whatever it is He has called us to...

If at this moment we were somehow miraculously blessed with a daughter, she would be given what could be interpreted as a most grandma sounding name.  Matilda Ruth May would hold not only have all of our hearts, but in turn would be granted a first name after one of my most favorite book characters and a middle name matching that of a woman in the bible that has encouraged me since the first reading decades ago.

Ruth was a girl who married a man who had moved from another land into her own.  After the death of her husband, her husband's brother, and her husband's father, she was left alone with her mother in law along with a sister in law who also happened to be from the same country as she.  Though tradition and law would have kept her bound to her husband's family when the decision was made to move back to the family's original homeland, her mother in law gave her an out, told her to stay in the place she knew, with the people she knew.  Her sister in law took the opportunity to leave.  Ruth stayed.  And thus began a story that resulted in another link in the line of Jesus.

The thing is, Ruth didn't know that that was going to happen.  No angel appeared to her as did to Mary centuries later to tell her she was going to birth a Savior.  Ruth did not have the benefit of reading and studying her story in a bound book as we have.  All Ruth had was a brief moment on a road to make a decision to turn back or keep going.  No one would have faulted her for either choice.

Finally hearing and answering God's call in your life brings a peace, a relief, a joy that cannot be compared to anything else.  That moment when you step forward into your next thing, even when it happens without a feeling of complete confidence, holds an excitement of adventure whether or not there is a healthy dose of unsurety mixed in.  

But just down the road from that initial beginning, when the trudging of your feet on the path begins to wear down the initial excitement, is where the doubt can begin to sneak in.

An in depth study of the book of Ruth in college left me with a phrase that pops into my head often, Glean in the field where you are planted.  Meaning, wherever you find yourself, take advantage of the opportunity, learn all you can from the experience so that that knowledge can become wisdom and prepare you for whatever is to come next.  Over the years, I have learned--the hard way no doubt--that there is another aspect to gleaning where you are planted, you have to be content with being there in the first place.

Have you ever tried to be content with where you are all the while being furious at where you were?  

Those two feelings do not mix.  You can not be content in where God has you if you are furious for being there.  But believe me, BELIEVE ME, when I say it is ok if contentment is not an immediate reaction.  For someone who is constantly carrying the undesired side effect of a short fuse as a result from her past hurts, Fury can definitely be a stop on the trip to get there.  It's ok to get mad and frustrated, with an array of other emotions thrown in as pit stops as well.  

If fury, or anything else besides contentment, is the one you are feeling now, let Him know, don't try to push past it or ignore it, or fix it on your own.  Your unrelenting loving Father can handle all of you and longs to do so.  He knows your heart and is forever refining you on the way, so tell Him what you are feeling, SAY IT OUT LOUD.  Your inner dispositions can not truly change if it's not Christ in you that is changing them.  

There are many words that can be substituted for contentment in the world.  Pleasure, cheerfulness, and gratification are just a few, but in this conversation of being content with where God has placed each of us, the only word I can think to use is Satisfied.  God longs for us, asks us, to let Him satisfy.  To let Him fill up all the places inside us so that we are satisfied in Him and Him alone.  To seek satisfaction elsewhere is to place something else in His place. above where He should rest in your life.  

Satisfy us Lord, with your tender mercies that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

The hardest part for me to understand was when in the middle of something, in the middle of the hard and confusing, not knowing whether to seek contentment and wait for change or to seek contentment and look for change.  Life in Christ is not passive.  Yes God is sovereign, and holds the entirety of my story in his Hand completely crafted from eternity, but it takes my physical movement to go forward on this earth.

Were the things I was facing, were the rocks I was pushing up hill needed to build whatever was at the peak or were they just getting in the way and needed to be let go to roll back down so that my hands would be free for whatever I would find to do at the top?  This is that time again when I listen to these words instead of the doubts that can come up, "No matter what our circumstances, we can enter right now into God's will for us--the will of a wise and loving Father who knows how to weave all of our choices into a redemptive masterpiece."  Whether I keep pushing an unnecessary boulder or whether I let one go that might have been helpful to have after all, I can be content in whatever state I find myself in next because He redeems it all.

One important thing I have learned to help me with truly being content in where I am was discovering that many times I was scared to be content because I was afraid God would make me stay there forever or forget that I wanted to move onto something else.  I realized, that God knows the desires of my heart and asking for something is not a sign of discontentment, as long as I trust Him no matter what His answer is.

Though I am not a huge podcast fan--I have an aversion to the lack of genuine voices podcasting can supply--there are a few, with normal vocal tones, that I have come to listen to.  One of which, called The Pivot, included a conversation between two singer/songwriters my husband and I have loved since college, Andrew Osenga and Bebo Norman.

When seeking contentment in where you are in the midst of following the call in your life, when racked with confusion over knowing whether or not your search is fruitful or futile, take into account my synopsis of the ending of their conversation...

"It's ok to try something and for it to go well and for it to not go well.  It's ok to walk away from something that is going really well because you are not meant to do it.  You can be about pursuing something and come to the conclusion that it is not something you need to continue pursuing.  You can be about pursuing something and know it's something you do not want to continue pursuing but have no choice at the moment to not do it because of the commitment that you have made.  Even the next thing you are sure you are supposed to do may not work and then you will find yourself back at square one again.  The gift is knowing that whatever hurdle comes, it doesn't end who you are, your identity in Christ.  Life does not fall apart just because of a shift in your current state."

Christ gives you freedom from caring about the end result because He gives you freedom to be content in the midst of whatever.  Nothing is wasted.

I hope you have enjoyed and gleaned from the lessons we have been learning this month and that they have and will help you think about your next ten months and carry over into your forever as well.

I will be praying that you will continue to see and hear where He is taking you and that you will be able to find contentment in the midst of whatever it is.  Pray for me.

Part 1 - The next ten months

Part 2 - A simple answer

Part 3 - Time is not ours

Part 4 - Doing the 'right' thing

because it is a new year

Happiest of New Years to each and every one of you!

For one who desires to be ahead of the game, I always found myself feeling behind as soon as January 1st rolled around.  It felt as if everyone already had Christmas packed up and put away with a house simplified and cleaned out and resolutions written, posted, and beginning to be checked off.  The rushed feeling within was quite unwelcomed after a season of nothing but.  

A couple years ago I made a conscience decision to slow down.  To take each step not quite as quickly as I would have before and give myself, and my mind, time to be quiet, to listen before I began to plan, to speak, to act.  What resulted was the ability to have an unhurried Spirit even if life around continued to bustle at it's usual pace and there is no time that it is more appreciated than this day, the beginning of a new year.

Here I sit, still reflecting, smiling over and enjoying the memories of a December spent with family and friends celebrating the birth of our Savior, not feeling as if that is a time done and gone but one to relish and let settle before moving on.

Yes, sometime in the next few days there will be cleaning and organizing, planning and budgeting, and pondering of goals and desires for the year to come but for now there is quiet and thanksgiving that an old year has passed and a new one has come and spanning them both is my God guiding my vision for both.

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

naught be all else to me, save that thou art -

thou my best thought, by day or by night;

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word;

I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord.

Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,

thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.

Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise;

thou mine inheritance, now and always;

thou and thou only first in my heart,

high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,

may I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

for when you need to remember what you are given

There is something about being around small children that will cause you to question your sanity. They do not have to have come directly from your body or call you mom, nor does it need to be the same sweet small person following you around.  All that is required is for one or more to be a constant part of your life in some form or fashion. The continued presence of such small people with their energy and words and lack of filters and impulsiveness and overall beautiful not at all self-controlled thirst for life and the actions that are produced from that miniature minded carpe diem philosophy effects your brain cells in a way that causes them to flit away almost without being noticed until you try to speak an intellectual thought without time to process your words before they are let loose.

As a former babysitter, dance teacher, school teacher, and now mom, there have been a slew of wonderful children in my life and therefore a mass exodus of brain cells that once had my back when attempting to produce intellectual thoughts.  Now, and I am hoping you can relate, phrases will at times just spill out of my mouth that cause me to literally stop in my tracks and truly wonder if I have in fact finally gone crazy.  The carefree teenager and young adult mind of this mid thirties woman never imagined I would utter the phrase "We do NOT wash our hair in the toilet."  Never imagined I would stand in confusion trying to discern why I would have strung any of the commands together that I had just given and what on earth did they mean anyway.  I have felt, on more than one occasion, much like Ernest T. Bass learning to read and write.  Nohuntbewareopenandclosenocredit can sound like more Shakespeare than the times when my words come tumbling out in a hurried directive towards a blonde boy or three.

Then, there are those purposeful nonsense words you say, ones that can only be uttered at children for fear of losing your adulthood membership card when said aloud to anyone over 4'6".  Just last week while sitting in the lobby of our youngest's preschool, the other parents and I giggled to each other when hearing a lovely teacher sing a song to her three year olds about flushing the potty and washing their hands.  Every part of me was thankful for her desire to remind and teach about proper hygiene, but that sing song direction initiated a waterfall in my thoughts of phrase after phrase I and others have used to teach and remind depending on the situation at hand.

The one phrase that came before any others is one I guarantee you have heard and possibly said, not only to a child but maybe even to yourself.

You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit.

Its usefulness in the situations in the lives of children is countless.  Its lessons valuable.  Be thankful for what you are given.  Be content.  Do not compare what you have in your possession to what is in the hand of the one next to you.  Have self control in your reactions.  Do not pitch a fit over something that has just been handed to you free of charge.  Adults have uttered these words for so long that children will say them to each other, say them to themselves, and if the said grown up is honest, they have had to turn this phrase around on themselves as well.

In daily life on this world, it is a helpful rhyme that gets quickly to the point and nips many things in the bud before tantrums arise, but somewhere along the line, this quick child-rearing colloquialism can at times shift the view of who God is in our lives.  I have caught myself equating God with a teacher passing out suckers at the end of the day, reaching into the bag with no rhyme or reason, and handing out what happened to be in His hand to the next one waiting in line all the time reminding me that I get what I get so don't pitch a fit.

Forgive me for my doubt of your perfect plan.  Forgive me for my lack of Trust.  Forgive me for forgetting at times the Truth of who and what You are, Creator, Omniscient, God with me.  Forgive me for not remembering your Love.  For not remembering I am your Special Possession.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure (Phil. 2:13)  He is intentional, specifically designing your heart and life to work out His good for the Kingdom.  He is not random.  You do not just get what you get.  You get what you are given.  You get what He gives.  

What He gives is abounding Love (Ps. 86:15), divinely orchestrated gifts from the Spirit (1 Cor. 12), every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3), a holy life --not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace (2 Tim 1:9)

And even better--maybe not better but just as amazing--is the fact that we are told to ask, to make our heart known, then sit as the peace of God that surpasses all understanding guards are hearts and minds then to Trust what comes next because the Lord is at hand. [paraphrase of Phil 4:5-7]

Semantics are important, different ways of phrasing can truly change how a person responds to your instruction or advice, but this is more than semantics, this is better understanding of who God is in your life and who you are because of Him.

We don't get.  We are given to by an Almighty Father.  And we are given so that we can give in return.

Everything you come across in life is ordained and allowed, nothing comes as a surprise to the one holding you in His hands.  It will not all be easy, but it will not all be hard.  It will not all be what you may have requested or imagined, but it will all draw you to Him in life altering, heart altering, magnificent ways.

Your world may even fall apart, but I promise it will get rebuilt.  Slowly or quickly, painfully or peacefully, pieces will come together and what was once crumbling will be made strong when it is built on the Cornerstone.  And you can use all of it to advance the gospel (phil 1:12) and to declare His glory (Ps. 96:3).  

Don't think about what you get, think about what and who you have been given.

Praying faithfully for you today, pray for me.

because you need to huddle up!

Staying close has been on my mind still as the answers found were not really answers as much as questions, though more helpful questions they certainly are. The two keys of staying close and giving your all when you feel God calling you to relationship with a certain place or person at a certain time and stepping back when that relationship overpowers your ability to think of another's needs above your own or when your voice is now beginning to overpower His can be applied daily to make new decisions of getting involved, to keep things in check, or to know when to let go.

But those two keys seem to just relate to whether or not you stay, so going further, how do you proceed once you have found a place or a person to delve into relationship with, or once you are all in but not sure of the next step, or before that, when still in search for those people and places your heart is being pulled towards.

Come mid August the anticipation of Fall arrives forcefully.  For Georgians, school is back in session, there are no more long lazy days of summer by the pool, no late night walks until the sun has gone, and though the temperatures are still soaring at dreadful mid 90s and the humidity suffocates more than a little, breezes pick up and leaves fall quietly because of them.

A couple short weeks from now, especially in the South, conversations, TV stations, radio shows, and facebook statuses will be overwhelmed by one topic, football.  My pastor, the yankee that he is, always dreaded the coming of football season because of its ability to overpower the thoughts and schedules of nearly everyone but himself.  In our home we are big fans, though I now watch the games through the lens of a mama who just wants everyones' babies to play well, be good sports, and not get hurt.  While my beloved Tigers have adopted a hurry up offense with posters of plays on the sidelines made from famous faces, one of my favorite illustrations from football that is usable in this question of how to proceed, how to continue your steps or how to even search out the ministry of your heart, comes from the huddle.

Seeing a team, gather together, stare each other in the eyes, and make a plan before proceeding as one entity each doing their own parts excites me every. single. time.  I can just imagine the conversations that go on, the frustrations and anger that I am sure are shared, but the encouragement and determination that are there alongside.  They are meeting together, working together, not to just sit and wait and continue a lengthy conversation, but to go forth and accomplish a goal, whether it be a few steps at a time or one giant leap.  The best part, however, is just a few seconds or minutes later, it happens again.  and then again.  and then again.  Over and over they gather together, make a plan, strive to accomplish it and then huddle up again ready to keep going.

It is a worldly adaptation of a heavenly command from Hebrews 10:25, let us consider how to spur one another on to love and good deeds.  Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching and oh how it can inspire.  Y'all His Gospel Truths are everywhere, just look for Him!

Speaking to that I can hear the voice of Kit Deluca in my head--the roommate to Julia Roberts' Pretty Woman--saying a line near the end of the movie after she has seen the (glimmer) of a light in her life, "Do you have a goal?"  Huddling up is my goal.  Not the hiding and huddling in fear and doubt, but the Huddle that comes when you bind together, plan together, and then don't keep it to yourselves but show those around you what you are going to do next.

We said a sorrowful goodbye to our church home last week as many different aspects required the session to make the decision to close our doors after 15 years.  There is Trust that this is right and there is Hope that we each have a church family waiting for us in the future but for many, including myself, the search causes doubts to rise and stress to bubble up.  As the church adventure, as we call it with our boys, embarks at the top of the list will be a place where we can jump into the Huddle.  A place that will invite us in to the circle not to sit, converse, and wait, but to prepare, set goals, and then venture out, outside of ourselves, outside of themselves, outside of the walls and into the world around us.

I want huddling up to be my goal in all relationships, whether with my husband and children, family or closest friendships.  The people most important to me in my life are not ones that I hide with but are ones that I huddle with.  People who sit, plan, listen, ask, encourage, and then set off with me or apart from me until the next huddle starts.

I would be remiss, however, if I did not mention the single most important huddle in life, the source of where Life comes from.  Yesterday evening, after a difficult did not go as I thought it was going to day, I prematurely flipped the perpetual hymn calendar gifted to me.  Today's hymn can better state the place of the most important huddles of our daily lives better than I ever could...

Beneath the cross of Jesus

I long to take my stand,

The shadow of a mighty rock

Within a weary land,

A home within the wilderness

A rest upon the way

From the burning

Of the noontide heat

And the burden of the day

Everything, every huddle, begins and ends with Jesus.  Abiding in His shelter.  Riding on His coattails.  Basking in the Hope given one because of what He has done.  Not to just sit there alone with Him, but to give rest and to allow Him to fill our cups before we head out into the other relational huddles and then out again taking all of Him with us into the world.

Oswald Chambers said "To live life alone with God does not mean that we live it apart from everyone else.  The connections between godly men and women and those associated with them is continually revealed in the Bible"  Huddle with Him and then Huddle up and strike out into the world and then come back and do it all over again.

Life very seldom wraps itself up into a pretty little bow.  We, because I am assuming another can relate to this, have to resist the urge of stopping short of sharing our struggles until they are fixed so that we can present them in their entirety, the beginning middle and end, all tied up with lessons learned.  While happy endings are most assuredly the overwhelmingly popular desire in my choices for books and movies, it has always been more comforting to listen to a story from another that has not yet reached its conclusion even if there have been victories along the way because that is real and relatable.  

Plans, no matter how well thought out are going to fail.  Plans, no matter how well executed, are going to fail.  You will come back to a huddle elated at times and battered and bruised at others. Share those too.  Share the successes, but share the failures.  In these stories you will either see God's hand at work, or anticipate what He will do, because the Hope we have is that He is always working and always doing, and as long as we huddle up with Him before striking out, taking our rest in Him on our way, then we take the confidence of that Hope with us wherever the play leads.

Pray for me as Huddle Up, I'll be praying for you.

milestone days

If you missed part one of this three part series/story, please take a moment to go back and read about dates we circle in red and why there are also ones we pray fervently will pass quickly, and "as difficult as it is those days, Hope is still present. that promise never left, and laying those hurts at the feet of Jesus and learning to see those days through a different lens allows a beautiful ending to come no matter what date is on the calendar".  I hope you were able to ponder a bit about your own days, your own dates, your own anticipations and dreads, and how you can ask to remember them in a different way.  Today I will share some of my own along with my very favorite days of all.


Before Logan entered the world of one year olds and beyond, I was a dedicated baby book filler-outer. Written in those pastel animal filled pages are dates marking first baths, first teeth and first steps, along with all their favorites at different months that seemed to change right after I wrote them down.  The only stat that never seemed to move was the one connected to the dreaded "How long do they sleep at night?" question which never failed to make me examine my mothering skills. But I can happily say that at ages 9, 7 and 4, it is no longer an issue...so remember when you are in the trenches, it is only temporary. 

The best of days we are sad to see as temporary.  We want to hang on to them forever, wishing and wishing they will never end, but knowing that to go on to the next thing they must.  But with the good comes the bad (and vice versa) so the worst is only temporary as well.  The days we have and the places we feel cemented into are just as fleeting.  Life is always going on, the world around is always on the move. At times, our place in it whirls right alongside with happiness and action, and at others we watch it go past in a blur as we sit and work through and wait for a season before we can jump back in the mix.

I have a combination of both just like the next person.  Days of happiness and sorrow that intermingle together, weaving in and out of my consciousness, teaching me new lessons and reminding me of past mistakes but working in unison to grow my heart, my compassion, my wisdom, my life.  

If you have not picked up on it yet, and if I have not alluded to it enough, I am a believer in the writing down of things. A memory-keeping enthusiast and to repeat an already repeated reason, it is so that I can remember.  Remembering can be a beautiful thing when you let God take your memories and show you Hope and Truth throughout them.  It can take time.  Yes, oh god yes, it can take lots of time, but His promise is true and though you might not be able to say the wisdom learned was worth the pain, because for some the pain came through horrific circumstances, you will be able to say that the wisdom learned is the good He promised He would provide. (Romans 8:28)

 As Forrest says when sharing his beloved stories, he likes to know where he's going and where he's been.  As promised, here follows a few of my bests and worsts, the days I circle in red and the days I once wanted to hide from but now welcome because I see my promised Good within them.  I love seeing where I have gone and where I am going even if the latter is more than a little hazy if not completely pitch black at times.  

The day I was born results in a day of celebration once a year.  It is one of my favorite days.  Now in life I share that day with my youngest son.  I pout a bit at first but love usually wins out.  

I met my husband on Halloween in 2001.  Because of this night my happiest days came on June 5, 2004 when we were wed, February 15, 2007 with the birth of our first son, May 8, 2009 with the birth of our second son, and November 15, 2011 with the birth of our third.  At our wedding I gifted him a journal I had written throughout our dating years with dates and memories, some big and some very small, but all part of our journey.  

My first heartbreak came in 6th grade, many more followed with the biggest one in December of 2000 that I am not proud to say dragged on and on until it finally came to an end in September of 2001.  That day is also one of my proudest moments one that holds a place in my favorite kind of days of all.  I had a car accident on November 13, 2000 that still gives me flashbacks and makes the Georgia/Auburn game played on November 11, 2000 one of my best days as well...odd but true.  The worst day of my life was September 8, 2013 when a marital betrayal of the worst kind was admitted (I even mistyped it the first time and wrote 9 because that is favorite my 12:01 am day to look forward to).  It is the uncontested winner and I pray it holds first for the rest of my days, because what it would take to beat it i

s not something I would ever look forward to experiencing!
  
Just as I do, you have days of happiness, days of sorrow, but most importantly you have my favorite days of all: days where you are given the gift to see something new about yourself. The day something in your heart changes, whether the circumstances you are living through do or not, and you can see things that God has been revealing culminate into a beautiful picture that sets a milestone in your soul and in your story.  These days make all the days worth living!

Milestones are well named.  A marker telling a distance traveled.  A point reached that results in only going forward from now on or one that reminds you that you have been that far before so it is more than possible to do it again. 

A friend recommended a movie to me a couple years ago that I did not just love but absolutely loved and has stayed with me since.  While I can not begin to describe About Time because you will most assuredly grow bored with the length that this will become, I can say put it on your to-watch list and then think about this one tidbit out of the many hundreds I could share: In the movie, the men in the family have the gift of traveling in time to any place in their past until one thing happens - their wife has a baby.  

Once a child has entered their world, that milestone keeps them from traveling to a time before it was part of their lives. There are scenes in the movie that portray this fact in somewhat sad ways, as it might cause you to lose connection with a person who has passed before the milestone, but for me it is a distinct reminder that there are times God gives us where forward is the only direction we can go. Where the past must remain the past and while it is there in memory, it is just that - a memory.  

The best days we have, whether they include a marriage and children, or whether those are milestones coming in the future, are wonderful memories, but they can not be our only references to move forward.  My wedding day was a mess of beautiful and nerve wracking emotions but if I relate to my husband with the same feelings I did on that day, we would be sunk for sure.  

The worst of days will come with heartache. Even though they will produce wisdom, if we function day to day with the emotions they invoke, our decisions will be questionable coming from the roller-coaster of feelings that can change by the minute.

God, in his ultimate wisdom, gives us these critical milestones, or turning points in our walks and in our lives that most often come out of nowhere.  They creep in and surprise you at first until you stop and realize there have been pieces coming together you just did not notice, and what a bigger picture they were going to make.  In my experience, these milestones do not come in the best of times or the worst of times when emotions are high or dragging dangerously low...they come in the middle when you are least expecting it but fully able to notice it.  

In those moments a light bulb goes off...a ding is heard inside your soul, and you grow.  Your heart grows because it feels more loved, and feels more of a love for yourself or another.  Your faith grows because you are reminded yet again of Hope, Faithfulness, and the promise of One that never fails.  Your wisdom grows because answered prayer and truths combine with knowledge changing how you relate, how you decide, and how you share from then on.

These days are precious gifts and they are the perfect kind because they are a gift you didn't know you needed but now can't live without.

I have one monumental such day that planted a large marker in my story, brought clarity and healing, and yet another reminder of how much God loves that I will share with you soon.

 Until then, I hope just as you pondered your days of joys and sorrows, that you will look back on now and excitedly anticipate later the milestone days for your heart and how they carefully show you a specific lesson, an intentional love, and a reminder of whose you are and the comfort that brings.

I'm praying for you, pray for me.

now what?

A piece of reassurance often given in a period of trouble, sadness, or confusion is the reminder that God knows the big picture.  He is aware of the ending, in fact he created it before the world began, so trust Him.  Muttered to ourselves, spoken lovingly from a trusted mentor, thrown in by that well-meaning acquaintance, or passed along from our very own lips to another, this is something we say and has been said to us as soon as we knew the word God and could recognize an event or feeling we didn't quite care for.

How comforting are the words, O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  you discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. (Psalm 139:1-3)  It's straight Truth.  One of the many that will float up as I sit and be still in a time of trial. but more than once-or a thousand times-did I still wonder, after that glorious reminder of my all knowing Creator, but now what, in light of that what do I next?

Even in the midst of pure thankfulness for an all knowing and loving Father there is a human desire to know what's next, the direction of the next step, the ability "to have a road map of exactly where we are going." Madeline L'engle in Circle of Quiet

My mother, sister and I were frequent puzzle put'er together'ers.  Spread out on a table would be a large pile of pieces and slowly over a few days as we gathered at the table on and off to relax in the art of puzzle piece placing the picture would become more clear and pieces would become easier to place as the pile grew smaller. Recently I found out a sweet friend is, in fact, a puzzle aficionado.  She shared with us through social media the way she solves a puzzle; the way she organizes, divides and brings back together the thousands of pieces it takes to create the image appearing on the cover of a box.  It was quite ingenious and made even the most intricate of pictures seem like a task that could very easily be conquered.

Somewhere between childhood and becoming an adult I began to think of  the 'big picture' God knew about me as one of those intricately huge puzzles with pieces spread all over and like a scavenger hunt of experiences I would have to keep an eye out for them, grab the ones I found and spread them on the table trying to piece them together to figure out what step was next in order to make that big picture a little bit clearer.  While learning from experiences and being open to God speaking to you through them and others who are experiencing them with you is a wonderful way to learn valuable wisdom and insight it's leaving out, as the Jesus Storybook Bible says, the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together.

With my heart very much in love with Jesus I had built together this Worldview based on my own thoughts about what I'd read, what I'd been taught, what I'd noticed others do or not do, what I deemed as good or bad based on the effects it brought not understanding that I was reinventing the wheel, making things much more difficult than they needed to be, blocking myself from the true meaning of the word that is now my greatest companion.  In the effort to put together the puzzle, to see the next part of the picture, there was a lack of abiding alone in the work of Jesus, of in ALL [my] ways acknowledging him so that he can make straight my paths.(paraphrase of Proverbs 3:6)  Have you ever recognized your own efforts steering you this way as well?

Three summers ago our church spent Sunday evenings listening to a video series called The Truth Project which are lessons that help define your worldview strictly based on the Truth of Scripture.  In the midst of giggling with Zach every time the speaker spoke the name of God in a very breathy and climactic pronunciation that came out like GAHD and being more than a little overwhelmed at scientific facts that might have gone more than a mile over my head, I learned a phrase, or a question more accurately, that forever answers that question of what now? what's next? in the light of all this what do I do?

If you really believe that what you believe is really real...  Much like Jesus speaking in the book of John, it is a tongue twister that requires only a moment of thought to understand and requires years to truly comprehend.  Or like my YoungLife directing friend would say, which research told me is actually a paraphrase from a Gregory the Great quote "it's shallow enough for a baby to wade but deep enough for an elephant to swim!"

If we really believe that what we believe is really real then 'what now' is abiding in Christ and knowing Him better  If we really believe that we believe is really real then 'what's next' is taking that knowledge and walking in it, making it a part of every thing we are and everything we do.  If we really believe that what we believe is really real then "what we do" is make ourselves less and make Him more, allowing the actions of our everyday, no matter the stage we are set upon, to glorify Him instead of ourselves.

My big picture is not a puzzle requiring my efforts to put it together, my big picture is a plan set in motion before the world began that becomes more clear as I follow the Holy Spirit down the path my Savior has laid before me.

It's not an easy road but it's a good one.  Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

"And I believe what I believe

Is what makes me what I am 

I did not make it, no it is making me 

It is the very truth of God and not 

The invention of any man" 

Creed by Rich Mullins

what i'm up to

Four weeks ago I shared words from this used to be super private place on the interwebs.  This happened without explanation or prefacing.  Not that anyone else cares I'm sure, but in my head it feels as if I jumped into a conversation that I might not have totally been invited to or placed myself on a committee with not the least bit of experience for whatever things committees actually do.  Very kin to the feeling of staring out the window at the crazy neighbor whose outside in her bathrobe chasing something with a stick and your first response is "what is she up to out there"followed closely by "bless her heart".  This is an attempt, at least for myself, to avoid the crazy neighbor, bless your heart head shakes and explain what I'm up to.

First things first, however, I feel as if I need to formally introduce myself because without a brief glimpse into the past the future very often makes no sense.  I'm Sarah Ann May.  Formally Sarah Ann Keel.  I was born in south Florida and moved to South Alabama at the mature age of six weeks old.  I grew up in a small town where my accent was founded though thankfully in my twenties I learned how the long i sound is supposed to be pronounced.  I went to college at Auburn University and majored in Elementary Education.  Sophomore year, a month after officially breaking it off with my not so nice to me high school boyfriend, I met the one whom my soul loves at an RUF bonfire whilst trying to get my crush to notice me.  Said crush happened to be one of our groomsmen at our wedding on June 5 of 2004.

I worked as a second grade teacher with people I loved for three years then began my journey as a mom after having our first son in 2007.  For the past nine years I've been at home with our three boys doing all the things stay at home moms do which I assure you does not include lying on the couch eating chocolate but does in fact include passing out on the couch from pure exhaustion after stressing eating lots of chocolate.  I began blogging our family's goings on when my oldest was 14 months old and continue to do so because I'm a huge fan of documenting life and memories.  A little over two years ago, God shook my life to the core with a very difficult situation.  Much like the story of the Tower of Babylon I just reread this morning, in a way, and in His infinite mercy, God did in fact spread me, or at least my emotions, across what felt like my entire world in order to draw me closer to Him.  From that experience I began this blog, An Inner Disposition, in order to write my heart, thoughts, feelings, struggles, and redemptions, in a more private way.  Though I left out plenty of I'm an idiot and less than amazing moments because time and space is short, this is me in a nutshell, pecan or almond preferred, and brings us to the present.

As per usual, one small thing happened which led to another thing and another until all of a sudden there was a purpose forming that I never would have thought of on my own, or at least never would have thought myself brave enough to try.  My pastor's wife gifted me with a very large and very blank notebook and it's individual purpose will hold the daily plans of my life and the brainstorms of how to get from point A to my future point B.  However first some type of a point B has to be thought of so in the beginning pages I wrote my dreams, the desires of my heart (psalm 37:4).

*create a home atmosphere that is loving, comfortable, and visually appealing.

*use/open our home to friends, family, the church and others as a ministry of community and encouragement and of course fun.

*council, mentor, or just meet with others, helping them to see Hope in the midst of everything.

*open a store that will provide a gathering place for friends, support others by selling their goods, tithing to local ministries, hosting local groups and housing a counseling/discipleship ministry (this one is far in the future I would imagine)

*WRITE!  Letters, emails, texts, articles, blog posts that are encouraging, transparent, and full of Truth and Hope.

Four weeks ago, after much Holy Spirit prodding and numerous encouraging words from my husband and a few friends, I committed my Wednesday mornings to the last one on the list for a bigger than me purpose and placed myself in the public eye, if of course you can count 100 or less people as the public.  I did not major in English.  I have no idea how you use a semi colon and I often add too many or leave out too many commas.  Praise Jesus for my husband's strict French public school education so that he can sweep in and fix all my grammatical errors.  However on the pro side I have a redeemed heart, I have stories of how my life would be a wreck without the saving grace through Christ, and I have a God who I am 99% sure came up with this plan and placed the desire in my heart.  

There is a learning curve for sure.   I am very much so in the early stages of experimenting with words and summoning up the courage to actually share them.  Be assured, the anxiety that comes with pressing the posting button is immense and probably deserves an entire post of its own.  You are my guinea pigs.  My sounding board.  My patient, please love me anyway, eyes and ears and mouths of compliment and criticism.  If you have a desire to follow this hopefully non train wreck of a journey there are buttons on the side of the blog where you can receive an email when there's a new post or you can add it to your feedly list on your phone amongst all your cute decorating blogs that you have saved.

I completely understand however if you have no desire to follow because there are many others sharing their hearts in beautiful ways or if you know that you, like all of us, have hundreds of things going on and will never remember to read anything. For you I pray for this, that you will pause life for a moment or two and think of that one thing God may have been asking you to step out in faith and try or even step out in faith and stop knowing that you are loved unconditionally and that, if you are His, can not, no matter the circumstance, be shaken.  Then share that dream or goal with another. Speak your heart into the light and see what He shows you.

So there you go, bless your heart head shakes or not, this is my goal and one of the ways I am saying yes, excitedly and hesitantly and often doubtingly, to God in my life.  I'd love to hear what is happening in yours!

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