for when you have spiritual scar tissue

It is the last day of November, a month that holds so much joy from birthday celebrations, where distinct seasonal changes finally become apparent in The South, when thankfulness, though desperately needed for our hearts each day on this earth, takes a central role in the themes of life all around.

It is also a time where your heart feels constantly at odds with your body and mind.  Every part of the being inside longs for slowness, for the chance to sit, enjoy, and appreciate the leaves and the wind, the little and big ones alike are excited about time off of normal schedules, and the Advent Season that has begun with all the joy and beauty it entails.

Your heart wants to soak it all in, but your mind and body are trying to accomplish all of the tasks deemed needed so that there is something on which your heart can soak.  It can feel, quite often, like a never ending battle, between the undertaking of tasks and the triumph of appreciation.

Currently I am sitting in bed on a quiet morning, heating pad firmly pressed on my lower back, as I attempt to be still long enough to recuperate from aggravating a decade old injury.  All around me both physically in view and the long list in my head, are mounds of to dos loving to make themselves known and mock that they still sit uncompleted.  The living room has tools and supplies piled in corners waiting for their turn in a fireplace remodel that will hopefully be finished before stockings need to be hung.  Tables, chairs and coolers from our son's birthday party before Thanksgiving are sitting on the porch needing to find their way back into storage.  Paraphernalia from our two youngests' homemade zip line complete with beanbag crash pad are in the yard soaking wet from the rain that finally showed up.  A dead squirrel, the conquest of our newest kitty, most definitely needs to be disposed of.   Pecans need to be picked.  Suitcases put away.  A toilet needs to be fixed.  Clean the house could go on every list every day for every person for now until forever.

When your mind desires to process through words, everything is fodder, everything is noticed and analyzed, much to it's dismay and appreciation.  And so goes it with the reason I am resting right here instead of working over there.

16 years ago, almost to the day, the middle of my body was injured in a car accident.  Parts were compressed that have no business being pushed together and breaks happened, 5 to be exact.  All of them were in places that couldn't be stabilized so there were no casts, no outside visual of any injury, except for the crutches needed for a couple weeks.  However, inside was a mess of bones fusing themselves back together all the while producing scar tissue around them in hopes of building up protection against any future injuries.  Though it was common to have tinges of discomfort, normal movement seemed to have been present until a day recently when the scar tissue popped revealing underneath that what was thought to be healed didn't in fact come back together the right way causing pain, lack of mobility, and mega frustration.

Research showed me that this is a common problem, that protective layer that built up actually restricts and hinders the performance of intended functions, it binds up and ties down tissues that need to move freely.

Jeff Dunbar said "Your physical life is the laboratory for your spiritual life to grow."  Is it any wonder then why the first thought was this, what other parts of  life built up a protective layer around them only to have actually hindered true and complete healing?

Ask that question aloud.  See what happens.

It's a tested method so no worries.  I did the same thing,  I asked it.  At first there was fear of what would come up.  Would there be an onslaught of guilt?  Failure?  Would my mind feel as if it would explode from the sheer number of memories rocked?

Quite the opposite is what became true.

Just as a hot beverage can be felt warming the body slowly after a deep drink from a cup, warmth can be felt slowly as your heart feels the comfort from a Spirit longing to comfort, help, and heal.

Very few times in  life is there ever a quick fix, especially when dealing with emotions and character.  Almost all changes involve work, hard work, dedication to the task, presence in the solutions.  More often than not the reason we don't open ourselves up to change is because we know the hard that will come, we are aware of the adjustments needed and that things might very well get worse before they get better.  That is exactly how the scar tissue is formed, that is exactly how we become hindered from functioning the way we were intended to, the way we were designed.

All of life is sanctification, all of life molds and shapes to create a heart ever growing, ever striving to become more like Christ.  What happens in the physical translates immediately to the spiritual.  What happens to our bodies affects our hearts.  And beneath them both is a God already working to heal completely, changing our inner disposition, restoring us day by day.

Friends, it can be so hard to let go, oh so very hard not to build up your own protective layer trying to block further hurt or injury from any angle, but with Him we can "humble ourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you.  Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)"

I'll be praying for you, pray for me.

because he brings a felt difference

It is impossible to wake up and take one step out of the bed without seeing, hearing, or remembering something that is trying to get your attention.  If you are lucky, or maybe just more than human, there may only be one in the forefront of your mind, but for the majority the first opening of the eyes, the first sound that comes to the ears starts the assembly line track of responsibilities, needs, wants, distractions, and rabbit trails of the day.

Though a vague example to many, my deep in the throes of parenting young ones who watch cartoons self can, on countless mornings, hear in her head the deep overly dramatic voice of dear Mr. Pricklepants in the Toy Story Terror special saying "And so it begins!"  And so it does indeed, life in all its helter skelter, hurry scurry, hustle bustle beauty.

It never fails that by the end of the week there is a long list of items that were started and not finished, put on the back burner, or ignored completely.  Yes, yes it is not a secret that lists are my one weakness--please someone know that reference--but this time I am not referring to the tangible to dos of errands, appointments, and chores.

Instead, I am looking on the inside, thinking about the needs of the heart and soul, of what should have been and always be the main event being purposely pushed aside or accidentally left in mid meeting because something else popped up in its way.

A like minded chat was had about such a thing during a visit with family.  Outside in the almost fall like weather of North Georgia, I sat with my sister in law watching the children play, and doing what good southerners do, listening to a football game.  

This specific game did not capture my attention too much as it was a Bulldog playing instead of my Tiger of choice, but nonetheless I understood her thoughts because had it been the other way around those shoes would have definitely been filled with my feet.

As it became a little more possible that there would not be success for her group of boys on the field she asked her husband in a not at all freaking out and demanding voice to turn off the radio so that she could just sit in peace because what was blocking it had disappeared.

Empathetic to her dilemma, we discussed how relaxing it was to NOT watch and listen to football games.  To be sure, there are some who are able to sit and watch with no spikes at all in blood pressure, and while I no longer passionately and lovingly scream at the TV since my children were old enough to copy the behavior, I completely understand the peace of finding out later.  

When you are told after the fact that your team lost you can feel disappointed for a moment and go about your day, when you are told that your team won you can feel elated, maybe watch a few highlights, and then carry on.  But being in the middle of the stress brings to surface those emotional distractions and already said rabbit trails that knock you off course for longer than I'd care to admit.

Likewise, it is for these reasons that I will never write about politics, or to forewarn, any trending topic.  To share a well versed and educated view means research, engrossing yourself in the issues. All responsible things to be sure, but somewhere a twist can happen and the desire to keep abreast of current events turns into a desire to prove another wrong, to shout with a louder voice to prove your correctness while proving another's error in judgement.

Please hear me when I say not every football fan is mistaken in watching a game live or even taped, not every citizen passionate about politics is trampling on other's voices in a desire to make their's heard.  One is not holding sin in their hand by showing enthusiasm for their interests, but when that interest overtakes their thoughts, when that topic drives them instead of the other way around, when the moment your eyes open it is the first thing to demand attention there is cause to step back.

There are monumental times in my life where I restrained from dealing with issues that needed to be addressed and where I pretended everything was ok when not so deep inside I knew trouble was growing faster than I could stop it.  

I have learned, the hard way of course because is there really any other, what avoidance is and it is safe to say that that is not the problem my heart is feeling today.  The issue instead is prioritizing.  What comes first?  Who should I be shouting about instead?

"The best thing I [we] can offer this world is a well tended spirit, a wise and brave soul" says Shauna Niequist in her most recent book, so why is it that instead we so often offer up haphazard, depthless, brief and careless versions of ourselves in its place?

The quick and easy answer is because the focus is on a million other things instead of the One True need.  This is a Truth that not many already believers can argue with and that other non believers might be able to understand easily as well, however as my pastor would always remind us hearing and understanding is only half the goal, there needs to be that conviction in your gut before that Truth comes out in your life.

Please say it's not just me?  However if it is, then let this be another step of growth along the path coming closer to Him.

My father-in-law spoke of it this way in the sermon we were able to hear on our visit this past weekend, "For us to hallow, or sanctify, His name means that we give God the supreme place, that we set Him above all else in our thoughts, affections and lives."

Placing the bulk, the first fruits if you will, of our attention on God, our loving Father and Comforter, means He takes His rightful place in our lives.  He becomes Center Stage and those laundry list of items that come with life on this earth lose their neon signs demanding immediate attention or else. Even those stressful events or topics of conversation that some can not wait to argue about while others can't wait to hide from can be enjoyed or experienced from a place of peace, a place of compassion, because instead of your human heart leading the way, your spirit filled one is guiding instead.

There is a noticeable different in conversation, in heart's desires, in relationships, in blood pressure for goodness sake, when He is first.  It's not just a Sunday School answer, though it's a good one, it's a felt difference.

I sat across the table from a woman recently who in a mere ten minutes of sharing stories taught me more about following God's call in a life than the 34 previous years of mine. In a sentence, spoken with love, delivered with tears brimming, she said "There is no more perfect place to be than in the center of God's will"  I'll be unpacking that one for awhile!

My heart aches for many in this world, but none more than someone who doesn't know, who hasn't felt, the complete presence of peace that comes through Christ.  Regardless of the road you are walking, there is no more perfect place to be than with Him.

While we are all learning the same Truths from the same God, each of our hearts understands and is pricked by different things.  It's the amazing way He works, using our individual loves to bring us closer to Him.  Think about your hot button issues or your cold shouldered ones and place them lower where they deserve to be while asking Him to bring your attention higher where your spirit needs it to be.  It's not an easy task so

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

because I need to be reminded to pray

I wasn't planning on writing today.  Yes, I know Wednesday is my day, the day I set aside all the to-dos no matter what and try to put into words the thoughts that seem to just float around in my head until they are snatched up and tailored to make sense. But not today, today was a day when the no matter whats mattered a little more than normal. 

Tomorrow evening a group of people who have each left a piece of their heart in Romania are gathering at our home to fellowship with and love on the family God used to draw us there.  This loving missionary family and it's many branches are in the US from RO and we are eager to hear the hardships and successes being faced and to assist in filling them up with love so that they can overflow on those so very far away when they return.

Because of this, I had pre-warned my mind that no thoughts were going to be processed today so it would get a little rest, but amidst the cleaning and fall decorating my eyes kept glancing from one object to another and my mind decided it wasn't on vacation after all.

To anyone who knows me well, they know that decorating is one of my favorite things.  It is a hobby that brings me joy, relaxes me, and gives me a creative outlet.  I still have not figured out how to convince my friends to really make good on the request that I come in their homes to help reorganize, rearrange, and redecorate, but one of these days I will hopefully sucker at least one into it.

Though there is an ongoing list in my head of items I'm searching for, I never know when that one special treasure is going to to pop out at me.  While I love the typical spots like Target, Homegoods, and Hobby Lobby, my favorite places are full of once loved and forgotten items or even better, another's free trash that can become my treasure.  The items in my home that bring the biggest smiles are ones that have a story beyond factory to store shelves.  They have either been through something, seen it all and then some, been unearthed from piles others thought were filled with nothing, or been created with the two hands of a loving friend or family member.

Within this treasure trove are a handful of special keepsakes, specifically chosen to remind me of one thing, to pray.  More than souvenirs, these have been taken from special places and purchased from special people and their point extends far beyond home decor.

Leaning on a wall in our entryway is a solid wood door covered in layers of paint.  This door came from the home of a woman forced to leave her home after it had been condemned, a woman living in an area of town ravaged by drugs.  This door stands still not only for looks but to remind me of the families struggling because of addiction, of the children being raised without the basic needs we so often take for granted, of hearts that need healing.

On a shelf in the living room is a watercolor print made by a dear friend, Never Ceases is its infinite reminder.  The picture faithfully sits to remind me to pray for her and her husband as they serve as missionaries in Bogota, as they struggle with the joy and sadness that mixes together when you know you are answering a call in your life but are having to do it so far away from family and friends.

The words are there to remind me to pray for myself and others who need to be reminded that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning, great is His faithfulness.

Next to that sweet and beautiful reminder is a metal square with a number and a beautiful white engraved plate.  The number was taken from a home in Romania. This home that looked like it was beyond repair, has now been turned into a two story orphanage, Laney's House, and almost ready to give a loving home to abandoned girls.  Oh how I want to remember those young lives in prayer.

Next to it the plate, handmade by Romanian hands, waits there reminding me to lift up those hands working for it's very life and the lies they are trying to support.

Each of their purposes is great and they do their job faithfully and without complaint, but there is a different truth that happens more often than not.  I walk right by.

Daily, I pass by the beautiful solid wood door, brimming with stories of happiness and heartache, and I do nothing.  Daily, I stare at a shelf filled with beautiful things made for beautiful purposes by beautiful people and my eyes glaze over, recognizing nothing.

Objects are wonderful reminders, when you remember them.  My heart may have the best of intentions to lift others up but on my own I will fail every time.  My heart needs more than visual reminders of a people in need, my heart needs compassion for those people, an ache of love and longing only available through the righteousness given to me through Christ.

Because of Him I am a new creation and because of that I am Holy and Dearly loved and am able to put on a compassionate heart (Colossians 3)

Without the compassion shown to me over and over again from my dear Heavenly Father, I would have no ability to show compassion to another and compassion is a key ingredient when praying for the needs of another.  Compassion fuels your heart's ability to love, to sympathize, to want to help, to want to understand, and to know that there is Hope in the end because the compassion did not come from me it came from and through a Perfect Unfailing Love.  And when I try yet again to remember everything on my own and fail again when I forget everything on my own, that same compassion is what reminds me that I too am in need of the same love, and that I too have it unfailingly.

I don't know how you remind yourself to pray or who is on your heart full of desire to lift up, but I do know that you can't do it alone.

I am praying for compassion to make its way in.

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

because time won't heal

There is no desire to ease into conversation today.  There are occasions when before delving into the depths of a hard topic one will attempt to soften their audience, like the pleasantries exchanged in a phone call or meeting before the desired point is finally mentioned.  Then there are times when you are talking with someone so familiar that the hard and deep is what comes up first so that the way is cleared for the pleasant things to come at the end, if there's time, and if there's not no harm is done because you know conversation will be happening again soon.

You are my familiar friends, and though I love the pleasant that can come up, I am more resolved now to dive straight down.  Every word written and every post shared is in a desire to say things out loud. To give voice to distress, to longings, to hurts, to doubts, to love, to comforts, to peace, and to Hope, in a desire to encourage and let you know that you are not alone.  This remains true even if the audience is one person.  If just one understands God in a truer way, sees the love of Christ in a purer way, feels guidance from the Spirit in a more familiar way then it is a job satisfactorily done.  Just one sheep.  It's what Jesus said the shepherd would leave every other one for, if I can not be satisfied with the same then I am not following after Him.

Hurts have been center stage in many conversations with others recently yes in my life but also and mainly in the lives of many others.  Past ones resurfacing ripping open once thought-to-be-healed wounds leaving doubt and forcing reflection, present ones causing new wounds not delicately made, and the knowledge of future ones that will come because they are just impossible to avoid when certain life situations occur.  As no two lives are the same, no two hearts are the same and therefore no two hurts will be either, but the same Truths can be applied.  While the majority would always say they are rooting on the side of these same Truths, somewhere along the way we each may fall victim to the same lies as well.

For you and for me and for anyone else we come in contact with, lets talk about those lies, get them out in the open, shine the spotlight of grace straight into their ugly faces, and see Truth always instead of them.  Today there is a specific one I want under the heat of the lamp.

Time will not heal your wounds.

Though the saying has been around since the days of Chaucer, as he is the one credited for this somewhat well meaning string of words, it only takes a quick google search to see that while it is flippantly and maybe sometimes lovingly spoken to encourage or written in fancy script to decorate a wall, it--in my opinion and the opinion of many many others--is a lie that not only does not help but causes further hurt.

Time is only a manner in which we track how long a process is taking.  It aids our finite minds in keeping a count of the comings and goings of minutes, hours, days, months, and years.  Time on it's own produces nothing.  If we allow time to heal, what we are truly doing is sitting and waiting for a group of measurements to take away pain.  Believe me I understand what the saying means, but what I want to encourage you to do is look past a set of words strung together for a brief pick me up and instead focus deeper on what truly brings lasting healing.

When our bodies are scratched, bruised, and broken it does take time for them to heal but time is not what is healing them.  I have watched a cut on a finger more than once bleed, scab over, and then disappear as if never there.  Time did not heal that scratch. The amazing properties God gave our skin to replenish itself healed the mark.

If badly injured you wouldn't just wait for time to go by hoping for it to get better.  Waiting can cause your injury to become more severe.  Infections can set in, diseases can spread to others, symptoms can worsen, a small cold can progress into a life threatening illness if left untreated.  Letting time pass without assistance can do much damage.

Our hearts and spirits are the same way.

When we are wounded emotionally and spiritually, time will not heal our pain.  Rose Kennedy said, "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone."  

I am inclined to completely agree with her.  The mind will work that way, protecting itself, shoving things in boxes in the far corners, hiding hurts away, and if that is what continues the wound will never be gone, it will just stay hiding until something triggers it back to the forefront needing to be shoved once again into its perfectly labeled box.

However there is another way, the only way to have true healing, the only way to have the Hope promised to us; believing in, submitting before, and clinging onto the Gospel of Christ.

1 Peter 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

Please do not take this as a Sunday School answer, instead take it to heart just as if Peter himself was here speaking to you, pleading with you to not stay stuck in emotional hurts, to not doubt in the healing of your body physically, to not lose Hope in your heart spiritually. 

Jesus spent his life healing people's physical ailments so that he could get their attention and heal them spiritually as well.  He took care of bodies so that He could reach inside hearts. The heart is the place He wants more than any other.

We live in a world filled with hard, filled with bodies that are breaking down day by day, filled with hearts that are so lost and hurting that they hurt those around them as well, filled with believers and non believers alike who either don't know Hope or have lost sight of it.

Every life is different, every heart is different, every hurt is different, therefore every path to healing is different.

Rest assured, there is no timeline of healing.

One body or heart might take just a flash of a moment, one body or heart might take months and years of treatment or counsel, one body or heart might have to wait until they are no longer on this earth to fully receive the healing they desire.  There is no timeline of healing, but there is a sure Hope, there is a promise from a Creator who has never not even once broken one, that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds and we can call out to Him and He will heal us and in our wait, no matter how long it may be, He upholds us with His righteous right hand.

Let time do what it was created to do, let it remind you that you are not where you were and you are not where you will be, that the present is just the present and a thousand of our days are a blink to the Designer of our lives.  Then Trust in the healing that comes from Him.  It is He alone that can do it.

It is quite a challenge to remember.  So...

Pray for me, I'm praying for you.

circled on the calendar

Welcome to part one.  Rest assured there is no cliff hanger at the end as some 'to be continued' episodes like to use to torture you.  At the end of these few paragraphs from my heart you will not be left with anger from your imagination being cut off before the conclusion or maybe not even racked with anticipation that keeps you on the edge of your seat until next Wednesday, though personally that would be one of the best compliments ever.  Instead, I hope you are left with a thought to ponder, like when your professor at the end of class throws out a "make sure to check out chapter so and so" before the next class, which almost always happens in movies and on Gilmore Girls, but almost never happened in my own collegiate experience.  Read, and while reading, I hope you will substitute your information for mine and therefore allow my story and heart to disappear as you see yours in its stead.

Since the beginning we have had this thing called a day.  Ever since God called the light day and the darkness night.  Ever since there was an evening and a morning, one day. GrantedL it was a little bit longer until He was not the only one who was enjoying it, but He set up this system, this ability to know when one period of time stops and another begins.

Recently in one of those random car discussions that you still are not sure how it got started we were talking about days.  How did people discover or decide that 24 hours made one whole day.  Or that 365 of them made a year?  Why have them in the first place?  The 'without having to check google while driving' cop out answer I gave was because a long time ago men more intelligent than I said so but the emotional from the heart answer that followed after was so that we can remember.

As years go by we all compile a list of dates that mean something, that do something to our hearts.  

Some bring nothing but smiles and stomachs full of excited butterflies.  Dates that we circle on the calendar in red so that they don't rush by forgotten.  Dates that bring about the anniversary of something wonderful.  Dates that will bring a new adventure or remind us of the friends and family that we will be seeing soon. At times there are ones that many people celebrate simultaneously like the entire world with the opening of a globally celebrated Olympics, our entire country with the founding of our nation, an historical church family and their summer campmeeting, or a birthday surrounded by family and friends.  Still others you might celebrate on your own.  They may not be cause for a party but the memory of them brings a smile to your face and hope to your heart.  The day you met your significant other, the day you found out you were cancer free, and a million other dates that are personal and while insignificant to another are wildly significant to your life and who you are becoming.

Not every date you have ingrained in your memory brings about such feelings of happiness and anticipation.  There are those other dates that carry along anniversaries and upcoming events as well but aren't celebrated with fireworks, fancy cakes, and presents.  Those dates don't have to be encircled in red physically because emotionally you can't help but feel the pressure of the pen on your heart.  

Thankfully some of those days we do get to remember with the support of a multitude.  Veterans have an outpouring of support as they struggled with December 7th or June 6th and the many other difficulty days in military history.  Members of the same country can stand together in love and encouragement on September 11th, June 12th, June 17th, and the many many other times attacks have happened without provocation that taught others to love their neighbor better than they had been before.

But just as we each have personal days that bring smiles, we each have days that bring dread and tears and are too often remembered alone as the world around you seems to go about their daily lives without a hitch.  Dates will come looming around a corner that we might do anything to forget.  Remembering is painful, remembering takes us back, remembering hurts and instead of feeling like ourselves we feel lost or confused or paralyzed until 12:01 am appears and the date on the calendar is not one that we recognize as a defining point.  

I refuse to trivialize those times.  Life is hard is a statement we all understand but no one no matter how well intentioned can truly get what another is feeling.  Humans will say stupid and unhelpful things, friends will walk alongside, counselors will give wise words, books will give advice and examples of another's struggle with a similar event but there is only One who understands our heart and only One who can sympathize with it.  Get over it is a phrase I'll never use, but lay it down is one I'll go to again and again, and one that has to be done again and again before the deal is done.  There is no timeline for healing from any hardship no matter the situation.  Some may run, some may walk, some may crawl and some may get stuck several times along the journey.  And as difficult as it is those days, Hope is still present. that promise never left, and laying those hurts at the feet of Jesus and learning to see those day through a different lens allows a beautiful ending to come no matter what date is on the calendar.

A since-childhood friend posed a question recently wondering if listing goals makes a person more accomplished, more apt to complete those goals listed. While making lists is number one on my list of favorite pastimes, my answer was a resounding "I don't know" and not because I don't think it works but because that's not why it works.  Writing down a date, circling it on the calendar, isn't what brings joy or sorrow, in the same way listing goals won't make your accomplish them. It's the same heart-filled answer I mentioned earlier and bears repeating.  It helps you remember.  And whether those memories bring anticipation or dread right now, I pray one day that each of them will enable you to remember what has been accomplished, give encouragement for what is being achieved, remind you that God never stopped working and make you thankful for what has been done and what we are promised will come.

Matthew wrote "but of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but Father alone."  While he's referring to next coming of Christ, I can't help but think about how it relates to my now.  I can circle, I can plan, I can remember the past, but I don't know what will happen on any certain day.  I can only Trust the One who made the moon for the seasons and the sun to know the place of its setting (Psalm 104:19)

Part two will share dates of happiness, dates of sorrow, but more importantly my favorite dates of all, a day where you are given the gift to see something new about yourself, the day something in your heart changes as finally the things God has been revealing culminates into a beautiful picture that sets a milestone in your heart and soul.  

Until then think about your own days, your own dates, your own anticipations and dreads, and how you can ask to remember them in a different way.

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

Dealing with disappointment

sunset at city pond

In the back of my head for several years now I have felt the need to address this, to make it real through writing, and most importantly to allow the thought that comes with writing it all out to help process through the different experiences from the past and others that will inevitably come in the future in hopes to better help heal, better help guide and better help learn myself how to approach them with the right heart and attitude.

The only problem is I don't want to think it through.  I don't want to process, I want to suppress.  My desire is to stuff it back in or brush it off as nothing and continue about the day knowing sooner or later the fresh feeling will go away and the ability to say "see it wasn't that big of a deal" will be easier.

 

But holding hands with the desire to just ignore is the realization that I just don't know how to help.  Which is, in all honesty, so much worse and the reason why flight is a frequent go-to reaction.  The helpless feeling of not knoSing what to say, if you can help, when to speak, and when not to, can be gut wrenching.  It's a second-guess girl's worse nightmare. 

It's hard to voluntarily open yourself up to any subject that hurts, that lays your heart bare, that has the possibility of leaving more questions than answers, or worse, to come to realize that there's not an answer.  There's not a clear and concise 'why' to soothe the spirit.

But ignorance is not always bliss.  It's a wall that keeps you stagnant, keeps you from walking through to the next thing designed to continue molding you into the man or woman God is creating you to be, keeps you stuck instead of movable, instead of yielding, instead of freed from self to fully submit to the hands of the One who has always been holding you.  

Countless topics could follow this introduction, and that part does conjure up a small smile in the midst of a hurting heart as you see clearly that God's design is for each of us specifically and all of us together.  We are all learning the same lessons, in a million different ways, and He speaks straight to the heart of all of them using the same Truths.

The subject at hand today is the hard that comes through dealing with disappointment.  Not in my own life this time, but more so in the lives of my babies, though usually I learn plenty about and for myself as I help navigate them through the inevitable ups and downs of growing up.

The times where as a parent you have to watch the look on the face of this child that you would, without hesitation, lay down your life for, as the difficult road of character building begins through a disappointing experience just plain sucks. Sorry for the non-impressive literary slang, but some words carry meaning better than others.  Just be happy that the rhyming word I really wanted to say stayed in my head this time.  Let's face it, character doesn't get built through sunshine and roses, but there's a part of you that wants to convince God that you promise you'll be fantastic at learning things the easy way!

We had a tough parenting weekend where we had to watch our baby hurt, watch him be disappointed in a way not so big in the grand scheme of life but very big in the heart of a dedicated boy.  Details are not necessary, because unlike the voluntary sharing of my own struggles, screw ups, disappointments, and hard fought lessons learned, my job is not to spill the guts of another but instead to assist them in feeling confident to spill them out themselves preferably before the throne of Grace, before the Savior who, without a doubt, understands our weaknesses.

However, like I said, I have no concrete answers.  I'm a rookie in this game, who has already self admitted to purposely ignoring God's call on my heart to even address this topic because I knew I would have to sort through my past and my disappointments and then convince a heartbroken boy to do the same, even when I know we'll both be better for it

No matter how many past experiences we have where the hurt is completely worth the place God brings us to, it is still difficult to roll up those sleeves and trust that the same result will be true.  Lord we believe, please help our unbelief.

In these times, no matter how serious or frivolous they may seem, there is a Hope, a promise of redemption, a promise of renewed heart and being molded into the ultimate goal of the likeness of Christ.  On this earth we will see joys and failures, experience elation and devastation, and convince ourselves more than once that these individual moments are what define us, are what are important, are the reason we live. 

But just as you can't define yourself by the difficult things that happen, you can't, on a different day, define yourself by the awesome ones either.  The only identity that matters is the one found in Christ.  This is our ultimate goal for our children and for ourselves, to know whose we are and what that means.  There's always something that can be learned, always a lesson that provides another step in sanctification, always a way to become different, more Christ-like, more available to help others with a need you've already gone through.

That, however, can take a lifetime to truly embrace, so until then this rookie is going to rejoice with my sons when they rejoice, mourn when they mourn, admit with them that unfair things will happen, try to help them see that Grace and Mercy is also beautifully unfair, cry and pray on their behalf in the way too early hours of the morning, ask women with wisdom and experience to lift us up and tell me what the heck I need to do, screw it up out of my own anger and frustration, seek forgiveness, let my sons know that I love them fiercely, be there when they need a laugh, a hug, silence, or just a cup of hot tea, help them when they are ready to seek humility and the lessons they can learn through it, and remind them as many times as humanly possible that they are loved unconditionally, that they are made in the image of a Holy God and that there is a plan specifically designed for them by the One who holds on to them no matter how many times they not only want to but do let go.

That is true for us all.

I'll be praying you know and believe it's truth, please pray the same for me.

mining your heart

Day 11 of

I can not even begin to count the number of conversations that I have had the last 13 months with different family members and friends, and every one of them is near and dear to me because it reminds me of the tangible love and care we had right there walking this road with us.  But, there are two conversations, one in person and one through text, that I had with our pastor at the beginning of this journey last year that will always stick out in my mind.  These two conversations brought wisdom that has continued to grow and wind its way into all aspects of my life.

We were sitting in my living room the day after I found out the whole story for a check up of "how are you doing right this second", and he told me that I needed to remember that none of this was my fault.  There was nothing I could have done or could have said to change it, and there's nothing I did or didn't do to cause it.  For a guilt struggling girl like myself, these were refreshing words to hear.  He went on to share that if I learned anything else, that would just be a bonus to what God was already doing and going to do in the heart of my husband.

These words were the beginning of the road to a restored marriage.  These words did not give me an excuse to sit on the sidelines with a pompous "I didn't do anything wrong" attitude.  These words became an invitation to think and ponder about myself.  To reach for that bonus, for the extra growth that could come through changes in me.  When you watch the man you love walk the road of Psalm 51, when you see him struggle under the guilt of his actions and the pain of mining his heart and going through the refiner's fire, sitting on the sidelines is not an option.  Walking that road with him, mining my own heart and walking through the fire myself was the only place I could be because I needed it too. So do you.

When we ask God to create in us a pure heart (Ps 51:10), the only way to do that is for Him to clean out the bad stuff within.  The things we put in front of him.  The idols in our lives.  It took me (way too) many years of Christian life to realize that when God says to not put any other gods before him, he was not just referring to golden calves, little pagan figurines in tents, and buddhas that sit inside local restaurants.  He was talking about anything that you place in the front of your list of priorities, anything in front of the number one spot He should always sit in.

“Idolatry' is the practice of seeking the source and provision of what we need either physically or emotionally in someone or something other than the one true God. It is the tragically pathetic attempt to squeeze life out of lifeless forms that cannot help us meet our real needs.” 
― Scott J. Hafemann, The God of Promise and the Life of Faith: Understanding the Heart of the Bible

Some of the idols in your life are obviously damaging to you and you already know that. But many of the idols in your life might not look like bad things.  Your kids are adorable, most of the time, but if they drive every decision you make they have become an idol.  Your husband might be a hot and awesome fella (much like mine) but if your desire to please him goes above your desire to please God, he is an idol.  The ministry work you do at church or a local ministry is wonderful and helpful to many, but if it feeds your pride and is what your identity is based on, it's most definitely an idol.  Work, money, exercise, ministries, volunteering, crafting, sports, video games, and anything else you spend your time doing are not bad things, but it only takes a little twist to turn them from good things to enhance your enjoyment of the life God gives us on Earth, to idols that suck that life out of you.

“Could it be that desire for a good thing has become a bad thing because that desire has become a ruling thing?” 
― Paul Tripp (a.k.a "P-diddy-T" or at least that's who he is in our home)
,

Think about it.  Think about those things that have become a ruling thing in your life. 

God mined both of our hearts as we walked that road through idols of pride, self righteousness, people pleasing and others, and on the other side filled us more with Him and less of ourselves.  That's great news, and even better news is that He will continue to do so as other idols pop up or resurface, no matter how long it takes to fill us completely with Him, and it will more than likely take a lifetime!

Just remember an important thing...

“If you uproot the idol and fail to plant the love of Christ in its place, the idol will grow back.” 
― Tullian Tchividjian, Jesus + Nothing = Everything

So begin, travel and end that road with Hope.

an inner disposition

Let's face it, looking on the outside is the easiest way to make a judgement.  In less than two seconds, without even trying, you can develop an opinion about someone or something just by looking at them.  What kind of clothes are they wearing?  Where do they live?  How did they talk to their children?  Is there a kind smile present or an angry face?  or a disapproving face?  or a blank stare?  

This is just the bare bones of the many, and I mean MANY, thoughts that enter our heads on first glance. Oh how I hate it.  I hate it because not only have I been one of the guilty parties, but I've been victim to it as well.  Being looked at briefly yet having an entire bias built against you.  I'm pretty sure I can say with complete confidence that there is no one walking this earth that is not on both sides of the coin.  Not one person who hasn't felt that disapproving glance and not one person who hasn't given it.

Your disposition, your usual mood, the way you come across, can seem to go two ways.  It is either a blessing or a curse.  Aren't first impressions supposed to be the most important?  Don't screw up day one because you'll never dig out of that hole.  Don't come across negatively because you'll never prove yourself after the reputation you've made.  It's too late to change so you might as well fit the description.

 Or flip it around and wow them the first time.  Knock it out of the park.  Be perfect and then stress out for the rest of forever because you can't tarnish that perfect reputation you've built.  You can't let them see you fail.  It's too dangerous to admit that you're not enough.

Yeah, that outward disposition really only ends up one way, and a blessing it isn't.  But don't lose hope, because just as your mama has been telling you since middle school, it's not what's on the outside that matters.  But, honestly, it's not necessarily what's on the inside either, if what's in the inside is drive and determination steered by yourself.  It's WHO is in the inside that makes the difference.

God holds my heart.  His Spirit through the sacrifice of His Son is what is in the inside of me.  And day by day He is making it new.  Day by day He is guiding me different places in different ways.  Day by day He is examining my heart, not so He can beat me down with what's wrong, but so He can create a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

He is changing my heart, and with it He is changing how I think and feel about the things I see on the outside, and He is changing the ways I feel in the inside.  

He is changing my inner disposition.

From that comes the well spring of life.  From that my mouth speaks.  From that will I tell of His wonders.

On the outside, at a glance, I may possibly look the exact same way. But look closer, and you will see the difference.  And though I'm a work in progress, look at my heart and you will see renewal.

My prayer is that whatever is written on this little blip in the world will be due to an inner disposition produced from a constant work within me, day by day.