write it down

Day 24 of

In the back of my memories I very vaguely remember owning a diary.  There's a good chance it was either Lisa Frank or one of the many Sanrio friends.  Hello Kitty may be the main one now but back in the day she had a whole host of cute little animal friends you could choose from.  There's a chance I wrote in said diary at least once, maybe more, but I guarantee it contained nothing of importance.  Not even some good teenage angst that would provide a good laugh years down the road.  

I wish I knew back then the importance of telling your story.  Because now, 20 plus years later, I have no idea what most of my thoughts and feelings were as I went through life.  There are quite a few things that stick out, but they are the big joys or big sorrows that were burned into my memory because of their importance at the time.  I honestly still have that problem as an adult, but now I blame children.  I shared with my friend and pastor's wife, a few months after having my 3rd boy that my brain didn't seem to have returned out of pregnancy mode.  Her encouraging response, "Yeah it's not going to.  This is the new you.  Embrace it!"  She was 100% right!

We all have a story and God will use your story for your good and His glory.  That, at some point, might mean you need to share your story with another who needs it.  It's hard to tell a story that you don't remember, so right now you need to write it down.

During our first post bomb counseling session our pastor encouraged Zach and I to each get a notebook and write down everything.  Everything we were thinking.  Everything we were feeling.  Everything we were learning.  Everything.  This journal became a close companion as I began pouring out my heart on pages and learning to process through writing.

Writing things down is still a big part of my life, and I am realizing that even though I didn't get it during my younger years, it has been a big thing for me the majority of adulthood.  While I'm sure one notebook is enough, I counted the other day and realized I have 8.  I don't mean 8 that I have filled and had to start another, I mean 8 going on all at the same time for all different reasons.  I'm a little OCD.  My sister doesn't like the food on her plate to touch, I don't like the thoughts in my journals to mix.  Just to name them all quickly I have a daily prayer notebook, a bible study notebook, a 1000 gifts notebook, a sermon notebook, a last year's sermons notebook that I reference frequently, "THE" journal I have been talking about that I reference frequently and add notes to, a new journal, and a really cute yellow monogrammed moleskin that contains my identity verses and the 'creme de la creme' of quotes and scripture.  But like I said I'm seriously a little crazy when it comes to organization so don't assume this is the best way to do it!!

Journaling is not a command from God and is not quite on the same importance level as the other two items in this mini series of things that help us cling to hope, reading His Word, and conversing with Him through prayer.   It is still a very tangible thing that helped me cling to the Hope that God was providing through our situation.  That journal does not just contain my ramblings and feelings.  It contains those scriptures that leapt off the pages as I poured through His Word.  It contains prayers written through tears as I was mining my heart and laying it all down.  It contains the idols I could see in my own life and needed to destroy.  It contains the joys of getting over the next hurdle.  It contains the story of first year of healing and it shows the road I was taken on and it glows with the faithfulness of My Father.  

When I look back through it I see Hope.  I see the promises He gave before the beginning of time being fulfilled in my life.  When I see that Hope it encourages me to continue to cling.