because fear doesn't own you

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

Don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
Please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

~John Madera and David White, songwriters

As an adult with a slightly higher level of maturity than the me long ago, rewatching movies from my tween and teen years makes me gawk at what was being let into my being--I'm looking at you Clueless.  I mean Josh was in college thinking about law school and Cher was 15...15!!!  Along with droves of other things and other media I won't get into now, my abundant naivete thankfully/unfortunately did not understand the depth of the scenarios presented.  However within them situations stuck and for better or worse had a hand in developing me into me, my thoughts into my thoughts, and my reactions into my reactions.  

Have you ever heard something or seen something from an unconventional source and have it either radically change your life or set off a series of thoughts inside you that led you to a conclusion you have looked for for years?  Anything can preach.  The gospel is everywhere.  No matter how much the world desires and tries to hide it, God will make himself known whether in the most obvious of places or the most random.  

And all the peoples said Amen, especially this girl who while flipping through Netflix saw a picture from a movie watched during those years I mentioned.  After that brief moment of scrolling past, the title song made its way into my head and as it repeated within there was an almost immediate understanding of a Truth.  It doesn't own me.  It never has.  The It I am referring to is fear.

I could sit down and list all the things I am scared of, and actually have done some in the past here.  It's a great exercise and I will be challenging you to do that later.  There are also verses upon verses dripping with Truth from the only real source of it reminding that we have not been given a Spirit of Fear, that the Lord is our light and our salvation so whom shall we fear?,  in Him we trust we do not have to fear.  That last one gives insight to the issue of fear.  When my trust is in Him I do not fear, the moment my trust is moved onto something else fear sets back in.

 Even if there are extensive lists in front of you of both your fears and the Truths that fight them, until a realization hits that you, that I, am living in fear, letting those objects, people, and hypothetical situations effect choices and direct steps, there is never freedom from fear.  We were often reminded by our former pastor that head knowledge is not enough, you have to feel it in your gut too.  That is when it becomes part of you.

Fear is second nature, it's an involuntary reaction that feels so normal you do not even realize it's happening.  For some it has been that way forever.  The imperfect world you were born into, the imperfect body you start with because of the fall long ago is predisposed toward fear.  Much like the way some are predisposed to certain illnesses, or addictions.  Sin ain't no joke.  It weaseled it's way into everything.  

For others fear has  found its way to you through the experiences of life and the effects from them.  When you are faced with, hit by, a traumatic experience of any kind it leaves its mark not just physically, or emotionally, but chemically in the very makeup of you.  Fear is planted.  

There are wondrous things that come through trauma.  God promises that the sufferings of this world will NEVER compare to the glory revealed in us.  Within the hard you find a Good God that is more wonderful than you could have ever imagined, you see yourself more loved than you could have ever understood.  But somewhere, sometime later on because of this broken world an infiltration begins. However much you have known and felt the true Peace that passes all understanding, you still know what it is like on the other side.  That same past knowledge that God uses to give you an abundance of compassion for others is also used against you by another one to keep you on edge, making you think in every experience another shoe can drop, another shoe will always drop.  Satan twists, it's his specialty.  Fear is his favorite weapon.

When you let the list of fears effect your choices, guide your steps, you are giving the power of control to things that, quite frankly, don't get to say.  They don't get to change you.  They don't get to tell you what to do.  They don't get to tie you down.  They don't get to keep you from the things for which you were created.  They don't own you.  

But also remember that we don't own ourselves.  Thank goodness, because I've seen the way we mistreat the things we own, forget about the things we own, get tired of the things we own.

So who owns me?  The same one who created me, holds me, loves me, guides me, protects me, comforts me, never tires of me, never mistreats me, only helps me, only does things for my own good, and knows what I fear and has cast it out with his perfect love.

The earth is the Lord's and ALL it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it.  Psalm 24:1

O LORD, how many are Your works!  In wisdom you have made them all;  The earth is full of your possessions.  Psalm 104:24

Confession time.  There are two things God has asked me to do that I have said yes to doing, yet still have not done.  Much like that annoying elephant in the room, they are there in my thoughts, the knowledge that I said yes but have been overcome with fear of what will happen after that I just keep circling them, painstakingly procrastinating, trying to tick off every other possible thing on the to do list first.  And for those who know me, my to-do list is looooonnnng.

It's a short trip from trust to fear.  One moment our eyes are directly upon our Creator and the next they are averted to an easier task,  a plan already accomplished, or an escape route that gives immediate comfort.  But Isaiah 26:3--and the tattoo on my foot--reminds that He will keep us in perfect peace when our minds are stayed directly on Him.  On Him, not on our fears, our doubts, our what ifs, our if onlys.  On Him.

I am challenging you to make a list.  Write down every little thing you are afraid of from the silliest of bugs to the biggest of scenarios.  Do you see a theme?  Can you see if those fears direct themselves all to a similar root?  If you are so inclined, also think about how those fears have changed the way you have made decisions.  Do you have your own elephant you are skirting around?  Please tell me I'm not the only one!  But please, please please please, do not stop there, in the midst of that despondency.  Now, look up.  Look to who owns you, who has always and will always love you, who gives more than you could ever ask or imagine.  Look to who has and will cast out every fear and redeems them in the process.  Look up and see that fear doesn't own you, a Mighty God does.

I'll be praying for you, pray for me.

fear

Day 9 of

When you go through difficult, bomb exploding, experiences or even little frustrating scenarios, clinging to hope is usually not the first course of action.  At least it's not mine  No matter how many times God has proven himself faithful and no matter how many times after I've tried things on my own and then gone to him only to have almost immediate peace come over me, no matter how many times I learn that clinging to the hope he provides trumps all other things, it's still not my first action.  

This is a historical problem, and not just in my history, the history of people in general.  If you want a key example go read Exodus.  God delivered His people from slavery, like Pharoah finally said ok you can leave and then they hit water and immediately freaked out.  Then God parted the sea, like took the massive amounts of water and turned them into walls with dry ground below.  A day or two went by and they're walking through the desert and get hungry and freak out again.  God drops food FROM THE SKY mind you to sustain them and they are so worried that he won't provide that they store it up after being specifically told not to.  And so on and so forth.  Do you see the pattern?

Choosing to not cling to the Hope God provides has nothing to do with God and His provision.  He has proven himself faithful time and again and will continue to do so for now and forever because that is who He is.  The problem is us and the things we choose to cling to instead or the things we let block our way.  For the next three days I'm going to share about three different things that we place in front of Hope.  The first is Fear.

I know in this world there are people who struggle with this a great deal, to the debilitating degree even, who need help that goes way beyond a reminder but I am not certified to talk for those people.  I am stopping for a moment here and pray for them though.  Would you join me?

I am talking to myself and other people whose fear is not the result of illness but a simple result of the sin nature within their heart.  Of those people I ,at a different time in my life, was one of the most fearful that I know.  It still amazes Zach, my husband, sometimes when I try to describe to him the fears that run through my mind and end up connecting with each other in a big massive chaotic Atlanta type interstate disaster way.  75, 85 and spaghetti junction have nothing on the way my thoughts and fears can get entangled.

Without even trying too hard I came up with this list.

bees

the dark

talking in front of people

singing in front of people

climbing up high places

looking out from high places

falling from high places

drowning

someone breaking in

my husband getting in a car wreck on the way home from work

losing my husband or children 

being alone in a public restroom

walking in the woods at night

going in a bank instead of the drive thru

scary movies, like so bad that a boyfriend in high school broke up with me because I freaked out about one so much

coming across the wrong way

hurting someone's feelings

making someone mad

roller coasters

being misunderstood

taking off in an airplane

crashing in an airplane

leaving my children behind with no parents

I'm sure I could keep going but let's just leave it at that.

Fear comes when we don't trust things will stay, when we're afraid that something we have will disappear.  When I look at my list it's easy to see what I'm afraid I will lose.  I can take all of those 'fears' and categorize them into losing my family, my reputation, my comfort, and my life.

 It is easy for us to let fear take over and push hope out but fear is not from God, He did NOT give us a Spirit of fear but of power, and of love and of a sound mind ( 2 Tim 1:7)  His perfect love casts out those fears (1 John 4:18)

So while, unfortunately, clinging to hope is still not my first action, God in all his patience and steadfast love is continuing to show me the things I let block my way to Him and reminding me that Hope is right there to cling to instead.

for when you are learning about love part 4: Him first

The house we have called home for almost two years now sits on a corner and is surrounded by yard, yards in fact, full of trees to climb and hide under, grass for running and rolling, stone walls for jumping and upping the coolness of sword fighting and the occasional pretty flower that I haven't yet accidentally killed, but have no worry there is still time for that.

Three boys spend many hours using the space for exactly why it was created, to live and move and have their being.  Somewhere amidst the middle of disagreements, one on one on one basketball games, and too many ninja/knight/star wars battles to count an appreciation is being built for the beauty of the outside world while inside their hearts, the groundwork that can continually connect that love they have for creation for the love the Creator has for them is being laid and cultivated.

Surrounded by a fence, the only area blocked for every day play, lies a most favored part of the outdoor adventure space, our pool.  As soon as weather and water are warm enough gates are unlocked-with adult supervision of course- to this space where everything from relaxation to intense competition takes place.  However, if you were to walk out today and take a glance at this treasured spot, you would fail to see the inviting blue sparkly water begging you to put your toes in.  You would also fail to see the somewhat green-tinged not as inviting water that tends to spring up in the off season.  Instead, before you lies an empty cement hole, banged up a good bit, missing integral pieces, most importantly water, that makes a pool serve it's designed purpose.  Sure standing at the bottom of an empty deep-end is a semi cool experience and having a sword fight there did make a 5 and 7 year old boy giggle with glee but that fun is most assuredly short lived when you know what the full potential of the space feels like.

Without the essential element that fills it up, a pool is simply a hole in the ground; likewise without the love given through the Perfect Love, a heart is simply a lump of muscle pumping blood to keep your body alive but doing nothing for the Spirit within.  Both items are needed, but until they are filled to overflowing with that one key ingredient they will continually cease to perform their designed purpose.

While walking down this bumpy road of learning about love, we recognized the need to actually love better or at all, we have discussed what love truly is, and that we are not at all capable of doing it but hopefully you remembered, "do not despair because you cannot love, none of us can.  Do not give up because you have been hurt, we all have.  Do not fear because you are terrible at loving another, we all are.  Hold on to the Hope of the promises our Savior fulfilled.  Rest in the Peace he brings in the midst of your turmoil.  Rejoice with the Joy that he is above all circumstances."

So then, how is possible? How do we go about loving another?  How in the midst of our massive inability are we able to do anything?  Like all things we fail at doing, when we dig and dig to the root where we will find waiting the same Truth, the same wondrous reason for how "we can do all things" (phil 4:13)

We are able to love for one single reason, we were loved first (john 4:19)  

A simple statement that holds the heaviest of weight.  However quickly spoken, it is a thought and truth that can be unpacked and put away into every nook and cranny of your life each and every day.

Jesus is the beginning of it all; the beginning of our ability to see that we need to love, how we understand what love truly is, and the reason we can't, no matter how hard we try, love another on our own.

Because we are loved, we see the need to love.
Because we are loved, we understand what True love is.
Because we are loved, we can love, not on our own, but with the love given to us.

In Life Together, Bonhoeffer continues his look at human and spiritual love by saying "spiritual love comes from Jesus, it serves Him alone...it is bound solely to his Word...because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother" and if you remember, on any day, your enemy can even
be who you believe you love the most.

If ever I am given the honor of writing a book or multiples at that, one will be about this tricky topic of loving others.  It's title, already jotted down in one of my notebooks is "It's not me, It's You: loving because Jesus loves first" 

It's all Him guys, but He openly and lovingly gives it to us to then give away, amen and hallelujah.

Jesus is that Perfect Love, the water to your swimming pool, that essential ingredient to the heart, and we are told that Perfect Love casts out any fear. (1 john 4:18)  Yes, you may make a list of all your fears-if you want to see mine here it is-and see how that Perfect Love takes those fears away, lets you see the truth behind them, and ultimately just reminds you of who is holding you throughout everything.  Because of that, Do not fear.

Another thing fear does is keeps us from loving others because we fear the rejection of not being loved in return.  As that Perfect Love fills all your spaces it pushes those fears out and allows us to love others because we aren't looking for something in return.  If we are filled to overflowing with His love it's not the love of others that matters, but His and His alone.

In one of the most common passages about love we learn that love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. (1 cor. 13:4-8)

And if God is Love, then this is a description of His character towards us, His children, as well as an example of the Love we are capable of only because of Christ's Perfect Love in us.  Will we fail, yes.  Will His Love fail us, never.

However, the first four verses before those oh so familiar ones are not to be ignored.  Within them are wise words reminding us of what happens when we try to go forth on our own, love on our own, without Love within us.

Two years ago on our second trip to RO we studied these words in depth and were given the task to reword them, making them specific to our struggles, to our personality, to what our imperfect love could result it if not overwhelmed with the only Perfect Love.  I'd love for you to try it and share your results.  For me it looked something like this...

If I speak with kind words and encouragements but do not have love I am at best morally superior and at worst an annoying goody goody or hypocrite.

If I show empathy and understanding to a situation and give great advice believing all will get better but do not have love I am of no help or significance to another.

If I sacrifice my money and time for my children, friends, and strangers but do not have love I might as well have given them nothing.

Love is patient and kind, it doesn't show off and point at itself on instagram or facebook.  It does not assume its way is better or get mad when things do not work out perfectly.  Love does not enjoy when others fail but gives praise for the glory of God in everyone's life.
Love takes it all in, the good, bad and ugly, it believes in Truth and clings to Hope knowing whatever comes that love will never fail.

Our pool guy told me not to look outside until all the work was done because it would be a mess, it would not be pretty behold but all I could think was if I miss the mess in the middle, the ugly parts, the not so pretty in the midst of restoration, how can I fully appreciate the beauty of the end result?

Though that Perfect Love is indeed living in you, this loving thing still might look like a big ol' mess to you before it ever looks anywhere close to good, but without seeing your beginning and middle you can not fully appreciate the end God has already begun to reveal and will fully complete as promised.

I'm praying you will see His love first so that His is what you give away, pray for me.

For other posts in the learning to love series...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 5 

Part 6

community

Day 25 of 

He never leaves us nor forsakes us.  It's seriously true.  I've been sharing about my past year and how God taught me to cling tighter to Him than ever.  Tighter to the Hope He provides.  Even when everything seems to be blowing up around you.  Not only do we have Him and His Son and The Holy Spirit, but we have things right here with us in arms' reach that help us cling to Him as well.  I shared about reading His Word.  I shared about communicating with Him in prayer.  I shared about writing it all down,  in however OCD way you may do it.  Today I share about community.

We were created to long for something other than ourselves.  We were created to share our thoughts and hearts, our time and space, our burdens and our joys with others because two are better than one...if they fall one will lift up their fellow.  (Ecc. 4:9)

One of my favorite stories in the bible is in the book of Mark.  Jesus was speaking at someone's home and a few men brought their friend, who was paralyzed, to the house because they knew Jesus could heal him.  When they got there, the home was so crowded they couldn't get near it.  Instead of giving up, they crawled on top of the roof, cut a hole in it and lowered their friend inside.
There are multiple things you can get from this story, but the one I am focusing on is the man's relationship with his friends.  It's not just that this man had awesome friends.  Because seriously, let's face it, those are some dedicated bros!  This man had awesome friends because they took him straight to Jesus.  They loved him so much that they risked a lot (embarrassment, injury, rejection, the repercussions of ruining someone's home) to take him to the only one that mattered.  They pointed him straight to Jesus.  That is a community!

When we seek out people to be in community with, we often try way too hard to find those who have similar interests, those who look 'cool' and would be fun to go out with, or those who always tell us we're justified in whatever feelings we have and pat us on the back and say it'll be ok no matter what the situation.  While most of those qualities are fine and fun to have, they don't mean much in regards to real gospel community. The most important, question is, will they point us to Jesus?  When we need it most, will they cut a hole in the roof and lower us down to the only one who can help?

 The great thing is the closer we get to God, the more we are satisfied in the lord alone, the better we are at being a friend.  When you are filling up your spiritual life with Christ instead of using friendships to take what you need, you begin going into those relationships with a mindset to give what others need.  You are there to serve, not be served. To be a light.  When all those around you are doing this same thing, a beautiful representation of the gospel takes place.

I know it isn't easy to reach out past doubts and insecurities, past fears and assumptions, to become part of other people's lives.  My own fears and doubts have affected my relationships for the majority of my life, even when it was obvious that people were right there by my side. Satan would use those doubts to tell me I was unloved or unwanted.  If you are one of those people I am praying for you to find community.  There is no minimum for community relationships and there's also no cap.  I am praying for at least one person to come into your life that can love you enough to point you to Christ.  I am praying for me to love others enough to point them to Christ as well.  Whether there's 3 of you or thirty, I am praying we can stir one another up to love and good works.  (Heb. 10:24)

I can't end today without saying one thing.  I love the community God has given me.  I love the people He gave us to walk along side us during these hard times,  to give encouragement and ask the tough questions, to share time, conversation and hugs, to talk about nothing or talk about everything.  Whether it was taking me to goodwill to rid myself of items that brought difficult memories,  adding 30 lb med ball slams to a workout to get out aggression,  sitting and talking over countless bowls of cheese dip, sending prayer and comfort through text,  or creating a space to hang out and talk about all the other parts of life because this bomb did not define me, my community showed me Hope and pointed me closer to He who gives it. 

**if you're interested in reading more about being intentional about gospel community my friend has dedicated her 31 days to that subject.  It's good stuff!

opening doors to dark tunnels

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To claim our long-forgotten gold.
~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Hobbit


If I was to list for you my fears it would be quite an impressive list.  Maybe impressive isn't the right word; depressing, shocking, or embarrassing might better suit the ongoing run of people, places, things, and possible experiences that have in the past and still at times in the present, not to mention unknown ones of the future that shake my faith and shift my eyes to things not given from God (2 Timothy 1:7).

Very high on that list since childhood and beyond lies one that is an inevitable part of everyday, darkness.  Each day it comes like clockwork, when the light of the day is ending, intended to give us the rest and refreshment of sleep, the ability to recoup before the light of the next day appears and we are up and ready to go forth once again in a new day.  

While there are some that seem unaffected by the feeling of shadows that creep in as the light of the day is lost, many others can automatically begin to feel anxious, nervous about the discomfort of darkness, the time of day when the objects around you are not clearly seen and the unknowns of what is happening monumentally outweigh the known that comes through clear sight bathed in light .  Studies have been done that suggest that the "witching hour" all parents are way too familiar with is caused by the ingrain knowledge the the sun is setting and darkness is coming.  

But whether it's a fear of ours or not, it happens on a daily basis and that darkness doesn't just provide the reminder to rest, it also provides a daily reminder of how it feels to be without light.  

The thing with darkness, is that it isn't just the time of day that comes after the beautiful sky a sunset brings, it's every part of the day, every part of a life, where the Light of Christ does not reign.  

As a believer I know the Truth that I am not alone.  I know the Truth that If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day Darkness and light are alive to You." (Psalm 139:11-12).  The problem comes when I believe the fears, believe the lies thrown in the darkness, whether the literal or figurative, and don't wait for the Truth to float up.

But also as a believer, it's not enough to just know there is light in the darkness, but to go into the darkness carrying the Light you've been given.  Through a trip to Romania God rocked my heart with a tangible to go with Matthew 5:14-16...

I like to live in a bubble of happiness and block out the evil and scariness of the world, but when you come down to it that is just naivety, ignorance, and selfishness.  There is evil in this world.  Satan is real and has a real mission.  I always say I want to be a light in the darkness but I can't be a light in the darkness if I'm not in the dark!  

Life is full of God given opportunities to open the doors to dark tunnels and step down into the depths carrying with you the only Light you need.  

Those opportunities come in overwhelming variety.  For some it's walking through cancer, of their own or a loved one, and instead of succumbing to the dark dread, not only trusting God through it all but pouring His love on the ones who are beside you on the same road.  For others it's investing time in the lives of high schoolers in what on the surface appears to be a time of loud with crazy music and games on the side but at the heart is Jesus streaming from one onto another in the midst of the rocky roads of pre-adulthood.  

There is not enough time or page space to describe the infinite doors that can be opened to search in darkness.  One only has to step out of the safety of their front door, into the world around them to find an opportunity.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone has a hurt.  If you are sitting desperate to find a place to help, a way to shine, just pray.  It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things; He knows what is in the darkness, And the light dwells with Him. (Daniel 2:22)  Simply not entering into the negative conversations, but instead bringing a full heart driven by love into your workplace is a noticed shining and a less scary way for some to begin. 

Just remember it is all done with help, all done through Christ, all done with His Light in you and not your own.  "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still and trust the engineer."  ~Corrie Ten Boom

For us, there is a new dark tunnel emerging through a door that is just beginning to be opened.  A door many others have already begun the trek into and others that are barely peeking through along with us.  The dark tunnel into foster care is quite new, as in we are only preparing to even be allowed to walk through, but already we see it will be going deeper than we could have ever comprehended and will reach a depth that our finite minds might never be able to truly comprehend.  But in it, just as in all the others, is the promise of Hope.  The promise that the battle has already been won and that we are just blessed to be allowed on the journey to be used to show that victory to others.

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien 

That greatness can only grow when love is shown, when Light is spread, when the sadness mixes with the joy.  I truly hope you see the Light you've been given in your own darkness, I hope you know the door God is calling you to open, I hope you see how He is walking in front of you, beside you and behind you into the depths.  I hope you follow carrying Light and Hope with you.  I hope these things for you because I first desperately hope for them for myself.  None of us are alone in it.

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

because you can wait

As always, I am sitting and praying and believing there is another set of ears in need.  Praying and believing that there is another heart desiring these words put forth somewhat humbly, somewhat insecurely, somewhat confidently sure that the thoughts do not come from me alone.

But today, making eye contact with the blue eyes staring back in my direction is essential. Reminders are needed. Truth is needed.  Hope, above all else, is needed.  Of course that could be said for everyday, necessary for everyday, but there are times where not one more minute can pass until that salvation you are working out requires some extra fear and trembling.

A couple years ago, after smiling at so many others' posts, I downloaded the Time Hop app.  Eager to enjoy smiles and tears of joy from past pictures of my baby boys who aren't quite babies anymore, I soon realized that I had no control over what from the past would make its way directly into my vision. 

Sure there were those lovely memories of cute babes and fun times with friends, but every so often a memory was triggered that did not bring smiles or immediate joy.  In its stead would come pain to a heart unable to handle the unwanted surprises.  After a week, pressing the uninstall button gave back a little memory space on my phone and started my days with less unexpecteds and a lot more peace.

Last week, Zach had a different experience with those memories involving social media sites, and his was one that I have not been able to get out of my mind.  Technology brought to his attention a photo he had posted of our church's first Sunday in its new space six years ago.  Captioning the photo were the words "I can't wait to see what God has in store for us."

I can wait. That's all I could think. I could have waited.

Because, spoiler alert, that beautiful place full of loving people closed its doors almost exactly two months ago.  Because within those years of growing in grace and wisdom and knowledge of God, among those years of serving together to help the unchurched, dechurched, teens, and homeless, friendships ended, betrayals hurt, marriages were broken, arguments were had, loved ones died, and longed-for children never made it into the world. 

If I knew what was coming, my caption would have read, I can wait.

There have been many a time in life where focusing on the hard times and the unwanted events has taken precedence.  We like to keep hopes high, to assume that the only thing coming up in the road is sunshine and happiness, cool breezes and sweet smelling flowers, laughter drifting in and out of fondly remembered moments.

When there is an inevitable bump, or in some cases a gigantic precipice followed by a seemingly infinite chasm in the road, all other previous moments are inconsequential in our minds. The only things that takes up all the precious space are the challenges, therefore blocking out the beauty beneath.  That evil one, man, he earns his name.

Many a time I sat at a table across from my pastor as he patiently heard my heart full of hurts, fears, and doubts, and on occasion, successes, growths, and dreams.  Many words were taken straight in and hung on to, but one phrase was written as to never be forgotten: "just because the outcome was negative, doesn't mean it was a wrong decision."

Let that simmer a minute.

Why does that assumption always find it's way back in? Why does it feel as if hard means bad, uphill means unnecessary.  Second-guess girl rears it's head again as past decisions are critiqued and Trust slips to the background, letting self take center stage.  To place your Trust in Christ, to believe that God truly is Good and in Control, is to submit to the bumps, peaks, and valleys, to keep your eye on the Horizon and see that though circumstances change, though you change, He never changes.  

Life is full of wait, a word and a lesson I have been called to ponder upon. To rush it is to miss the moments on the way.  God is working, always working, and as exciting as new beginnings are, the journy through them is equally as frustrating, equally as full of desires to quit, to cut and run.  Instead of saying I can't wait to see what He does my answer is instead that I can wait.

I can wait.

I can wait as he renews my strength so that I can run and not be weary (Is. 40:31).  I can wait and keep his way, knowing that I will be exalted to inherit a place in His kingdom (Ps. 37;34).  I can wait because He is good to those who wait for Him, who seek Him (Lam 3:25).  I can wait for the promise of the Father (Acts 1:4)

So I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope [Always Hope]; [May] my soul wait for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning. Psalm 130:5-6

There will always be that desire to jump ahead, to see what is coming up, to be expectant of the future, and that is ok. But don't miss what happens in the middle. Don't be in such a hurry for what's next. Don't waste the wait.

Pray for me as I try to relish the waiting, I'll be praying for you.

in the Lord alone

Day 14 of

The day I found out, the day my world suddenly changed, my cell phone broke.  It literally stopped working completely.  One second it was on and the next second it was black.  No amount of pressing buttons, removing batteries, blowing in it like it was an old Nintendo did anything to help.  All of my phone numbers, pictures, social media, contact to the outside world was gone.

I went through the next few days of the biggest struggle of my life, with a basic go phone with real buttons, a tiny screen, zero internet capabilities, and the phone numbers of five people; our pastor Dave, Zach, Leslie, Rebekah, and Lisa.  

I am convinced it was God.  I am convinced that because He knew what was coming that evening and the intensity of the days following He knew He needed to destroy one of my biggest distractions so He did.  

On that tiny little screen in a font that used to be the only one that ever existed I saw a text message from my pastor.  The second conversation, that in four simple sentences, sent my heart and mind on a journey to a spiritual paradigm shift that has become the key to my resting and clinging to Hope.

Rejoice in the Lord alone.

Hope in the Lord alone.

Rest in the Lord alone.

Be satisfied in the Lord alone.

This was not one of those messages that gave me immediate peace and comfort.  This was one of those messages that in such simple words and phrases carried so much truth that it broke me.  These words set me on the path of discovering the fears and the distractions and the idols in my life.  These words open my eyes to what was in my number one priority spot.  These words slowly began to refocus and rebuild me to where I needed to be, they brought me to the Lord, alone.

Through these four lines that have become a mantra in my life, I saw that all would be ok.  Not because I was convinced that my husband and my marriage would blossom into something amazingly beautiful, or because I knew that God would present people in my life to be the hands and feet of Jesus, or because the hurt of betrayal would turn into sorrow and forgiveness. 

 I knew it would be ok because I already had the one thing I needed.  These words grew in my heart and shifted my mind and taught me, reminded me, that I had something to rejoice about, I had someone to rest in, and I had somewhere to place my hope.  Most importantly, that if I was satisfied in Christ alone, nothing else mattered.  Nothing should be able to affect the core of my spiritual life, because God fulfilled that with His Son.  He is all I need.  He is all you need.

I pray that each day in my heart, in my head, and in my actions that I am in Him alone, and the Hope He brings.

because you are not alone

--I may or may not have had to take a minute to dance around and sing "You are not alone" with my best MJ voice and moves.  Sorry, or perhaps you are welcome, if you have to take a minute yourself to get a similar experience out of your system.--

A few months ago while preparing dinner I tested myself.  It had been a great stretch of time since my last emotional meltdown, so obviously I assumed the hurt was all gone, I was all healed up and ready to go.  The root digging experience had come, my milestone day was circled in my heart and head, so why not see if I could handle it.

 

I immersed myself in a past hurt and it took only seconds to feel myself begin to slide...

Six plus hours of constant tears,  numerous text message conversations, a threat of bodily harm from my best friend if I ever did that again, and more than a few hugs from my love took up the rest of my day and the wee hours into the next. But as He always promises to do, Good came.  I can never screw up enough to keep that from happening, neither can you, amen and hallelujah.

 

Hurt can trigger countless things, but in the midst of the past memories emerging, thankfulness pops up as well, and it's friend courage follows close behind as you are reminded again of His faithfulness and the long road you have already walked.

The next morning, after weeks of debating, chickening out, then thinking about it again, I told Zach I needed a not so small chunk of money to invest into my future, after getting the you should absolutely do it response I needed, I registered for SheSpeaks and also requested to be placed on a list to meet with two publishers during the weekend.  Deep breath.

This past weekend I drove through Atlanta rush hour traffic complete with thunderstorm to Charlotte, checked into a hotel all alone, sent more than one frantic tear-filled, fear-filled message describing how completely unequipped I am and how I think I'll just leave because obviously this was a mistake, received more than one "you can do this" message in return, and then fell asleep feeling like a teenager all over again getting ready for her first day of high school.

Over the next two days full of freezing conference center temperatures, beautiful decorations, fantastic food, poignant messages, and 800 other women four words were whispered into my heart over and over again...

I walked in completely alone, received my registration packet, then took my husband's advice and found a table that appeared to have another girl flying solo.  After initial hellos, conversation started and after 15 minutes I found myself at a table full of seven other singles who God turned into a group.  In less than an hour I was taking a picture with said ladies at a cutely decorated spot for photo ops that after passing first thing that morning had left me pondering how pathetic I would look taking a picture there alone.

These lovely ladies and I shared meals, stories, social media accounts, email addresses, phone numbers, hugs, pictures and even car rides.  They are now not only friends, but coworkers for Christ across the country.  Ladies who share similar thoughts, aspire to similar roles, and feel similar feelings of hope, anticipation, and for sure more than a little doubt for the future.

You are not alone.

Standing in the hallway of a hotel conference center two states away from home I glanced up and saw a familiar face.  A woman who runs in a similar circle, a woman I bump into constantly in the oddest places, a woman that until this weekend I might not have described as a friend but now is not only that, but a woman I would call on for prayer in any situation.

You are not alone.

At the first session, after the inward debate of where to sit, I found myself right in front of another Sarah May also from the Atlanta area. No joke.  We laughed, we talked, we took advantage of a photo op, we waved in passing, we even found ourselves twinning on day 2 in our kimonos.

You are not alone.

My entire weekend went a similar way.

One speaker shared a marital past that compares to mine.  Another shared about waiting for her calling to be revealed and then waiting again for it to come to fruition.  Over and over again more words lovingly and transparently shared that encouraged and spoke to specific fears, specific needs.

You are not alone.

In the hotel lobby before leaving for the second morning of the conference a conversation was struck up over the coffee/tea bar and an offer for a ride to the center was extended from me to two ladies from San Francisco.  A lengthy conversation between myself and one of them was about foster care and the cycle of abuse that goes on and on and both of our hearts that ached for the people caught in the vicious circle.

You are not alone.

Before one publisher meeting a stranger stopped by to hand me a hug and a jar of mints with a note attached.  Before another, I was stopped in the hall and prayed for by a fellow attendee who initiated conversation in a previous meeting. Then while waiting for our appointments, the woman sitting next to me and I discovered that she knew my husband's parents quite well and had attended his church and was also a youth leader for one of my sister in laws years ago. 

You are not alone.

Recently my PCA pastor Father in law shared a mini sermon with us at our family reunion.  In it he suggested that in a way we each wake up every morning as unbelievers, needing to be reminded of the gospel, of the Truths we know we know but can't always remember.  Preaching the gospel to ourselves daily is a necessity so that our hearts are available to see the times we need to share that gospel with others.

Yes, take homes from the She Speaks conference included an adorable necklace, a conference notebook full of things to ponder, a renewed passion and assurance that I might possibly be traveling in the right directions, contacts, networking, and a core group of co writers for Jesus to lean on for support and pull from for inspiration.  But the number one take home was the reminder that my God, my Creator, the one who sent His Son who placed His Spirit in my heart, is unendingly faithful.  He holds me, little bitty me, in the palms of His hands, and loves me.  He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. (Col. 1:17) Even me.  Even you.  Even us.  Especially us.

It is not necessary to travel to a conference, or travel anywhere for that matter, to realize the Truth of not being alone, the tangible feeling of never being left or forsaken.  All it takes is a glance around to see what has been placed before you, to see who is before all of your things and who is holding you together.  Can you see it?

I'll be praying that you can see countless ways that you too are not alone.  Praying that you know how much you are loved by an Almighty Father.  Praying that you know that you are being held right there in the palm of His hands.  

I'll be praying for you.  Pray for me.

bible in a year: week 14

This year a goal has been set to read the entirety of God's word and there is a host of women joining in on the journey.  Failure is always an option as we are each imperfect people but it is never a reason to give up!  Whether each day is done without fail, catch ups are needed, or some have to stop for a variety of reasons, each word read, no matter how many, will lead us to grow in wisdom, grace, and fellowship with both us and our creator.

It took less than a day of reading to get a deeper understanding of why one can study the bible for a lifetime and still glean new things.  In truth a lifetime is not enough.  As Saint Augustine said, "The bible is shallow enough for a child not to drown, yet deep enough for an elephant to swim.  Each verse opens up a new thought, a new question, a new understanding of what God has done and sometimes a confusion of why He is doing it.  In moments of questions research is good but there are times where I need to submit to His authority remembering what A.W. Tozer said in his book Pursuit of God, "God will not hold us responsible to understand the mysteries of election, predestination, and the divine sovereignty.  The best and safest way to deal with these truths is to raise our eyes to God and in deepest reverence say, "O Lord, Thou knowest." Those things belong to the deep and mysterious Profound of God's omniscience.  Prying into them may make theologians, but it will never make saints."

On to week 14.  Yes, week 12 & 13 didn't happen.  Well, technically they happened.  I read and gleaned and read and was confused and read, but being Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday life needed more communicating and fellowshipping than typing.  Today, April 8th, marks 98 straight(ish) days in the Word and 19 books completed.  This is a HUGE deal.  That's 98 days of asking God's word to wash over us.  19 books full of stories and wisdom that tell of Jesus or point to Jesus.  None of these words have left us unchanged.  Whether in life-altering ways or small thoughtful ways, His Word moves within us, doing what is needed.  Bring on the next 267!

Leviticus 5-12

Leviticus is surprising me in two very different ways. 

The first is how disgusting life was.  Seriously, hearing detailed descriptions of the sheer amount of blood and guts and fire and ashes.  Blood being rubbed here and splattered there and poured out over there.  Guts washed in water and burned.  After reading in weeks 12 and 13 of the planning and creating of this beautiful intricately made tabernacle with the finest of cloth and gold and the careful construction of all the pieces of Aaron and his sons' priestly garments only to have them all splattered with the blood of sacrifice is just, well it's yucky, to put it mildly.  And the time, oh man, the amount of time it takes to make just one sacrifice, which leads me to the second thing.

The second thing is that Leviticus is convicting, which I was not expecting.  Between sacrifices for unintentional sin, and sacrificing for intentional sin, and sacrificing as a pleasing sacrifice of thanksgiving, and being unclean until night if this and this happens and so on, you could spend everyday doing nothing but walking back and forth from your pasture to the tabernacle.  God's people had to know and understand so much because of the law.  They had to work, literally work, to please Him, to make a "pleasing aroma."  And, like in the case of Aaron's sons who ended up being consumed by fire, there can be intense consequences at times for not doing what is commanded.  But, we don't.

I'm not going to get into the why of it all now.  Why they needed the law then, why we need the law still, but why we can't and don't have to live strictly by the law because of Jesus.  All I'm trying to get across now is, in reading Leviticus and it's gross descriptions of sacrifice, I see how much I don't appreciate enough the freedom I have to walk straight up to the throne of God and speak to Him, directly to Him.  Without being cleansed first, without sacrificing for my sins first, I, because of Jesus, can enter His throne room and lay it all down in frustration, in joy, in anger, in thanksgiving and he hears me.  He hears me and he holds me and he comforts me because when he sees me he doesn't see the stains of sin, he sees the holiness of his son.  Y'all.  That's amazing.

Psalms 3-14

Psalms can be hard for me to read.  David speaks so much of his "enemies"  which in turn makes me want to plug the names of my "enemies" in to the verses.  It's not the same, that's not supposed to be what I do.  I'm not supposed to read Psalms wishing that my enemies' bones will be ground into dust and whatnot.  Psalms can also come across as whiny went I'm not in the mood to read.  I want to tell David to get over it.  Then I remember, Psalms are prayers, Psalms are David and others, laying it all out, their frustrations and fears and grief and pain, and then at the end having them be turned in to thanksgiving as they remember again and again what God has done in the past and what he will do again for them in the present and future.

3:3-4 you are our shield, you lift up our heads, you answer us from your holy mountain

4:6 you light will shine on our faces so that they can see that there is Good

9:1-2 I will thank you with all my heart, declare your wondrous works, rejoice and boast about you, sing your name.  Lord, help make this an I Will instead of an I Should!

When we feel like the enemy always seems secure, when it seems like all loyalty has disappeared from the human race, when we remember that in us there is nothing good, let us remember that...

13:3 You can restore the brightness to our eyes
13:5 You will treat us generously
14:7 Deliverance has come now because of your Son and we can rejoice and be glad.

Proverbs 20-26

Seek righteousness and wisdom.  In a nutshell, this is Proverbs.  There are handfuls of quotable verses, ones I need to read again and again, some to remember and some to finally understand for the first time.  But in each there is a driving force to the basics.  Righteousness and Wisdom.  If this is what you are seeking then the rest seems to fall into place.  Does this lead to a perfect life? No.  But it will lead your heart and mind away from other things so that you don't fall prey to them.

Colossians 3-4, Thessalonians 1-5

Paul's letters are indescribable.  I love them so and can never get enough.  There in them lie the instruction we all long for.  Our to do list so to speak, but not in a legalistic way, in a because of Jesus we can do this way.  Because as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, we can put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another.  We CAN do this because we are His. 

Reading the end of Colossians and then the book of Thessalonians we see Paul reaching out to his friends and sheep reminding them of their identity and what they are able to do because of Jesus.  We all need to be reminded of this, and often.  We are His so we CAN... I read this beautiful books of loving instruction differently than I used to.  Instead of feeling guilty that I wasn't living how they instruct and trying harder my view has been altered so that I now feel capable of living this way even when I'm not.  It's no longer guilt pushing me, it's love guiding me.  I want to Devote myself to prayer as it says and encourage others by my faith and I am encouraged by theirs.  I want the Lord to increase and overflow with love for another but I also want to recognize when he is overflowing in another for the sake of me. 

As Thessalonians ends like a grandma getting out every bit of advice as you back out of the driveway, we are reminded that He who calls us to all of this is faithful.  He will do it in us.  Him, not me.  Him, through me.

loving my neighbor: an ode to anne shirley

In fair warning to you, my dear reader, the following will be a little different than my normal.  But alas, this writing time for me is just a continual saying of Yes to the One who I believe is asking me to do it and today I feel more than a little compelled to say a thank you to a quite fictional person whose example can, and arguably should, be made real to others through us, His children.

Anne Shirley is a beautifully, spunky female character created by L.M. Montgomery in the early 1900s and lead character of the book Anne of Green Gables and it's many sequels.  She was made more popular due to the PBS movies that came out in the mid 80s which introduced her to a new generation and generations since.

One of my best friends from early elementary school through today introduced me to this girl who would influence my heart greatly.  Being a red head herself, my friend was very fond of Pippi Longstocking and Anne Shirley.  Most of our early sleepovers involved watching a movie featuring one of these carrot tops.  I received the box set of books one Christmas and read the first one many times as well as watched the first two movies over and over.  For those who are also fans, you know why I don't mention the third installment.  It was truly terrible.  I even upon meeting the man who would become my husband found a greater love for him because he not only knew who this girl was but he also had a great affection for the story as well. He was my own personal little Gilbert Blythe.

It was not until adulthood, and bonding with other truly kindred spirits after the death of Jonathan Crombie, that I read past the beloved first Anne of Green Gables and farther into the set.  Quite quickly I realized that the woman this Anne-girl grew up to be was a woman I longed to be as well.  There are many things to love and respect about this character, from her young spunky honesty and dreams to the wisdom she gains through experience and desire to make the most of all situations because as she says "It's been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will." 

Above all else, the thing I admire the most is the way she loved others, showing that love, true Gospel love, was indeed an action.

Art imitates life, but there are times where Art is showing me how I need to imitate it.

So, here are 5 ways Anne loved well and gave us an example of showing The Gospel in life.

1.  She leaves people better than when she found them.  Repeatedly, she makes her way into the lives of the lonely, the grumpy, the gruff, the quiet, the wild and changes them, not with force or lessons, but with love and words.  Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the world scouting movement, challenged us in 1941 to "Leave the World better than we found it."  This simple statement can be applied to our homes, our schools, our friendships, our churches, and any person and any place with which we come in contact.  A welcoming smile, a kind hello, a friendly hug, an honest answer, a helpful hand can turn another's day around.  It's just being a light and Shining a light. And just as Jesus is the light of the world, a city on a hill,. "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

2.  She seeks them out and approaches them first instead of waiting to be approached.  I was struck by one of the stories in the book Anne of windy poplars where a fellow teacher named Catherine after being consistently rude on a daily basis was invited home for the Christmas holidays by anne simply because she knew this woman needed a friend and felt energy within that it was something she needed to do.  Just as my first reason stated, This woman left to go home much better then when she came.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am not the only one who has found themselves in a situation where they feel alone.  Even the most extroverted of extroverts have at least one experience where they were out of their comfort zone and unsure of exactly who they should talk to and what they should say.  I love Anne's desire to not just approach others, but to approach the unapproachable.  Those who with every ounce of themselves are trying to repel others due to their own insecurities and yet she reaches out and loves anyway.  "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?  Do not even tax collectors do the same?"

I am drawn to the wall flowers, to the ones who are trying to hide because maybe they don't think they have anything to offer.  There is a desire within to give them a glimpse of how much they are loved and sought after by God by seeking them out.  In those people, I see a past version of myself.  Knowing the girl who once didn't understand her worth, has been gifted enough reminders to fill a book that she is completely known and completely loved and worth every spiritual blessing in Christ.

3.  She thinks about what she can do for another instead of what they can do for her.  In his letters Paul tells us to "do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourself." and to "let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

It is not just in this modern world where we have a desire to look out for ourselves and ourselves alone. It is a sin that was introduced into this world from the first moment of the Fall and has weaved its way into every aspect of our being. The only way to fight it is with the help of the Holy Spirit and the best way He provides for us to do that is to practice putting others above ourselves until little by little, leap by leap, the desire of our heart is not for what we want, but instead for how we can sacrifice ourselves for others, giving to them instead of receiving for ourselves.


4.  She listens.  And listens intently.  I have shared in the past the importance of saying things out loud. That moment where your words full of fears, desires, insecurities, confessions, and dreams become a voice to be heard is most often a milestone moment in a life that sets you forward into the next thing that needs to be done on your life's journey.  To have someone there who listens, truly listens, is a precious gift. Yes, advice is wonderful. Yes, empathy and compassion and encouragement our treasured gifts too. But to have someone sitting and listening, intently listening, to the words that seem to be falling from your heart, is such an example of the unconditional love, care, and steadfastness that our Heavenly Father has.  It is bearing the burden of another as they finally let go of the things weighing them down and see another help them carry it.



5.  She, on occasion, crosses a line of friendship from passive into active pushing others to do what they have always long to or felt that they needed to but didn't have the courage to do alone.  I cannot pick a favorite quality shown, but if hard-pressed to do so this one could be given that title. Not because it's something that I do well though hopefully I have been able to in the past then again in the future, but because it is one that has been done for me countless times. Often, I am blinded to my strength because of the focus I put on my weaknesses. And while His power is made perfect in my weakness, there are times where insecurities freeze so firmly that it takes a voice from the outside fueled by the love of God within them that melts those insecurities into actions.  It's why we were created for community. It's why we are so mercifully given the body of Christ to walk with us.  Because of this, "let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day Drawing Near." (Hebrews 10: 24-25)

Loving our neighbor is a command, not a suggestion.  "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Matt 22:37-39)  Not just the ones you like.   Not just the ones who are just like you.  Not just the ones who were nice to you first.  Not just the ones who can scratch your back if you scratch theirs. Everyone is your neighbor, look around and love them. 

I know it is not an easy task, nothing on our own is easy.  Fortunately for us, gifted to us through Jesus is a Spirit that dwells within guiding our hearts and our lives, changing our Inner Dispositions so that these impossible to do on our own things can in fact be done with Him.

I am praying for you within this current climate and beyond that you will feel the push within to love your neighbor and love them well and then after you feel the desire, to go forward in action and let your faith be known through your works. Pray for me.