what is your story

Day 16

15 days have gone and after today there will be 15 more to go until this writing challenge is completed.  Today is the middle of it all. The humpday of the 31 if you will (and I will).  If today was Wednesday it would have been too perfect, so I'll just settle for a Thursday being the peak of this mountain and now we'll begin climbing down the other side.

So far I have learned many things.  I have learned that my husband is an excellent editor and placer of commas.  I have learned that all those outlines my teacher taught me in Senior English are actually pretty handy.  I have learned that I am capable of leaving a mess to be cleaned up later because there is something else occupying my mind.  I have learned that even when I'm fearful, if I decide to be brave and do that thing God is asking me to do, not only will He help me complete it but peace will reign over my heart because I've submitted to His calling.  Because of that lesson, I have learned that even if the only people who read this are my husband, me and a handful of others, it doesn't matter because I have been obedient and and have left it to the One who is in control.  Most importantly, I have learned that 31 days isn't enough.

Every Sunday afternoon we meet with our community group, and after the first official 'standing around the counter eating of the yummy goodies chatting about whatever' time, we gather in the living room.  The first question given by our fearless leader each meeting is "What is God doing in your life this week?"  We have been assured that this question, given to him by our pastor, is not to purposely cause awkward silences or raise our blood pressure through anxiety or cause guilt because you don't have the perfect answer ready and waiting.  The point of this question is to stop and look and ponder.  To let go of any distraction and focus on God and what He is doing, for you, for us.  We have Hope that He is always doing something...we just have to stop ourselves long enough to see it.

I accepted this 31 day challenge because I have a story, and I felt like God wanted me to tell it so that maybe someday He could use it somewhere for someone.  My story is important.  Your story is important.  Our stories are important.  All of our stories.  Every single story and every single detail of it.  Because God is the author of them all and nothing He does is wasted.  He is a part of all the little things and all the big things and all the seemingly insignificant things in between.

I love the story of Ruth.  I love that this seemingly simple woman had a story of obedience and faith, of love and courage that she might not have even realized she was living.  She made one decision to follow and let God lead her story, and because of her obedience, faith, courage and love, she has a direct place in the lineage of Christ and a book in the inerrant Word of God that encourages us to live out our story as well.

Don't be afraid to tell your story, to share it in big places and in small, and to trust that it matters.  Don't listen to the lie that what you do, no matter how you see it, is insignificant.  God created your inmost being, he knit you together (Psalm 139:13) and He placed you in His story because He created your story to matter.

write it down

Day 24 of

In the back of my memories I very vaguely remember owning a diary.  There's a good chance it was either Lisa Frank or one of the many Sanrio friends.  Hello Kitty may be the main one now but back in the day she had a whole host of cute little animal friends you could choose from.  There's a chance I wrote in said diary at least once, maybe more, but I guarantee it contained nothing of importance.  Not even some good teenage angst that would provide a good laugh years down the road.  

I wish I knew back then the importance of telling your story.  Because now, 20 plus years later, I have no idea what most of my thoughts and feelings were as I went through life.  There are quite a few things that stick out, but they are the big joys or big sorrows that were burned into my memory because of their importance at the time.  I honestly still have that problem as an adult, but now I blame children.  I shared with my friend and pastor's wife, a few months after having my 3rd boy that my brain didn't seem to have returned out of pregnancy mode.  Her encouraging response, "Yeah it's not going to.  This is the new you.  Embrace it!"  She was 100% right!

We all have a story and God will use your story for your good and His glory.  That, at some point, might mean you need to share your story with another who needs it.  It's hard to tell a story that you don't remember, so right now you need to write it down.

During our first post bomb counseling session our pastor encouraged Zach and I to each get a notebook and write down everything.  Everything we were thinking.  Everything we were feeling.  Everything we were learning.  Everything.  This journal became a close companion as I began pouring out my heart on pages and learning to process through writing.

Writing things down is still a big part of my life, and I am realizing that even though I didn't get it during my younger years, it has been a big thing for me the majority of adulthood.  While I'm sure one notebook is enough, I counted the other day and realized I have 8.  I don't mean 8 that I have filled and had to start another, I mean 8 going on all at the same time for all different reasons.  I'm a little OCD.  My sister doesn't like the food on her plate to touch, I don't like the thoughts in my journals to mix.  Just to name them all quickly I have a daily prayer notebook, a bible study notebook, a 1000 gifts notebook, a sermon notebook, a last year's sermons notebook that I reference frequently, "THE" journal I have been talking about that I reference frequently and add notes to, a new journal, and a really cute yellow monogrammed moleskin that contains my identity verses and the 'creme de la creme' of quotes and scripture.  But like I said I'm seriously a little crazy when it comes to organization so don't assume this is the best way to do it!!

Journaling is not a command from God and is not quite on the same importance level as the other two items in this mini series of things that help us cling to hope, reading His Word, and conversing with Him through prayer.   It is still a very tangible thing that helped me cling to the Hope that God was providing through our situation.  That journal does not just contain my ramblings and feelings.  It contains those scriptures that leapt off the pages as I poured through His Word.  It contains prayers written through tears as I was mining my heart and laying it all down.  It contains the idols I could see in my own life and needed to destroy.  It contains the joys of getting over the next hurdle.  It contains the story of first year of healing and it shows the road I was taken on and it glows with the faithfulness of My Father.  

When I look back through it I see Hope.  I see the promises He gave before the beginning of time being fulfilled in my life.  When I see that Hope it encourages me to continue to cling.

because we need to live out our unique passion

You know you've hit it the minute it happens.  In the middle of conversation you ask the right question or mention the right topic and suddenly the face in front of you lights up in a new way.  Eyes open wide, smile even wider, their countenance changes as they become almost giddy and All In to the conversation.  Child or adult, introvert or extrovert, the scenario doesn't change, because when you find the right thing we all become giddy, over spilling with words that cannot be hemmed in because now we are talking about our passion.

A passion is more than a hobby, it's more than a delightful pastime, a passion makes people come alive.  It taps into the deepest essence of who God created them to be and what he created them to do.  "What does it mean to be an ambassador of the King?" Paul David Tripp asks.  "It means reflecting his message, his methods, and his character wherever he has placed you."  Wherever in whatever.

As easy as you would think it would be to know your passion, to know what you were wired to do, it is not.  It takes thought, concentration, and noticing.  Sometimes it is almost impossible to do on your own.  In an interview on Andrew Osenga's podcast The Pivot, Bebo Norman mentions how integral our community is in regards to seeing ourselves in a true light.  Our community, the people we have built our lives with and around, see us in ways we can never see ourselves.  They see us without preconceptions and veiled covered eyes.  They are the ones looking and they are the ones who can see when we light up.

But even when a passion is pinpointed, it is even harder sometimes to allow your self to succumb to it.  As odd as that sounds, it is so very true.  We, in our human desire to please and succeed, stuff passions placed within us and though you may be able to justify the why with a million different reasons, I feel as if they all boil down to two root things, expections and fear.

--though they are just another way of saying the two roots of all sin, pride and unbelief.  Thanks to my PCA loving in-lawed family for teaching me that little tidbit within a week of knowing you--

1.  Expectations- Shakespeare said that "Expectation is the root of all heartache." and I can name quite a few of his works where the reality of this was played out.  We find that thing that makes us tick, that makes us feel alive, but then we look at it from another angle and then another and doubt seeps in.  It doesn't "look" as impressive as I thought.  It doesn't look as productive as this other thing may be.  If I sit around the tables at my high school or college reunion or family gathering and chat about it, how will it sound?  Will people understand or will they laugh it off.  Oh comparison, how you wheedle your way into every scenario and thieve all the joy.


2.  Fear-  We can be scared of the oddest of things, here's a quick list I came up with a few years ago with minimal effort, but a significant one on our lists is fear of the unknown.  When finding your passion, and especially if that passion will require a change of occupation, living, etc. fear of not knowing the end result frequently outweighs the joy that could come from living your passion out.  The unpleasant known is much more comforting than the potentially pleasant unknown.  How confusing our human minds can be.  The passion we want, but the leap to it we can almost not bear.

Corrie Ten Boom speaks directly to this when she challenges us to "never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

When reading in Jeremiah there is a story where the people of Judah keep trying to escape their land because they are afraid of the new enemy king that has taken it over.  After trying many solutions--running away--on their own with only terrible things happening they come to Jeremiah and say tell us what the Lord wants us to do and where he wants us to.  Whatever it is, we will do it.  After ten days Jeremiah comes back and says stay in the land God has given you and the king will keep you safe, but if you flee to Egypt he will come after you and kill you.  Any guesses where these fools go?  Fear kept them from listening.  The fear that came with trusting a future they did not know overpowered the trust that God always knows.

for more thoughts on fear and tackling it read this

Maya Angelou has a beautiful quote that reads "there is no greater agony then bearing an untold story inside of you."  This meaning does not just pertain to writers, it pertains to us all.  Within each of us is placed a story, whether in the form of words, talent, or gifts.  These passions  demand to be let loose.  Your story is there to be used.  Blocking it out will not cause the flame to be extinguished, it sends that flame deep down into your soul where it will slowly burn until it can no longer be ignored and you have to bring it to light, give it the oxygen needed to grow.  To leave it stuffed, burning in the darkness, is agony.

One of my favorite things is when great wisdom and truth comes out of nowhere from unexpected places.  A always remembered moment will be sitting around my in-laws dining table listening to my husband's grandmother and her friend talk.  I had never met this friend before and had never heard of her before but the story her life contained was one of inspiration and amazement and the best part was how casually she shared it.  The humility that came through from her normal tone and laughter made it all the better to listen to.  Somewhere in the middle of a story she flippantly said, "there is just no better place to be than in the middle of God's will."

It took quite some time to sort through that comment.  But how do I know if it's God's will? was asked over and over.  I have been told before that it is ill-advised to dwell too much on that topic.  Instead just assume that whatever I am doing is God's will because if I wasn't supposed to be doing it I wouldn't be.  It's easy to argue many sides of that.  What it came down to was the feeling of agony and why is it there.  Is there something missing, something that could feel more "right", something else that should be in my life to make this unsettled feeling feel settled.

We all do not have the luxury of having our greatest passions be the way we make our living, but we do all have the ability to make our passions an integral part of our life.  When you succumb to it, when you look and see the gifts you've been given and the passions that have been placed in your heart and work towards integrating them into your time, your actions, your life, all of a sudden that turmoil inside settles.  It doesn't meant a dream life starts, or problems dissipate, or you get to quite your job, though sometimes it can.  Instead you just feel at once that yes, this is what I was created to love, where I was created to show love, and you begin to understand that yes there might just not be a better place than in the middle of His will. 

I don't know your passion, and you might not know it yet either, but I urge you to pray that it will be found, pray to see how you were uniquely created to work and show off His glory in the middle of our world.  I'll be praying for you, pray for me.

Now...

Go and be as the butterfly.  Go unfettered by cares, by the Infernal bondage of the Mortal.  Go with a light heart, trusting God and giving thanks.  Go and gather unto yourselves so you can pour out to others. ~Jan Karon, through Father Tim

alexander hamilton, rosa parks, mother theresa and you

"Beautiful are the ways of God if we allow him to use us as he wants"  ~Mother Teresa

Music is a very large part of our household.  Both of us grew up in households where music, to play, to sing and for dance, were not only encouraged but pretty much demanded.  Just ask my younger brother who spent three years of piano in the first primary book and then suffered through a year of show choir in middle school.  Or ask my husband's family, but I may have to warn you that they might just break into song to give you their answer.

While I will never be the one seeking out new songs, artists, albums, etc because my other half will always do it for the both of us, I will always join in in the listening over and over until the songs that touch me become a part of me.  Any teacher will tell you that the best way to make something stick in a child's mind is to put it to music.  This is the very reason that to this day I sing the ABCs to myself when alphabetizing and why in my head the books of the bible song is constant when looking up scripture.  It's also the reason why I may never be able to rattle off the 50 states because somewhere in my education my teachers neglected to teach me "Fifty Nifty United States."

Currently in my home I have been bombarded with a musical that has become quite a sensation across the country.  My husband is obsessed with it and has generously passed that obsession down to our boys so that in the car my four year old is singing "to the union, TO THE REVOLUTION" at the top of his lungs.  If you haven't heard of Hamilton I highly encourage you to seek it out.  The story of one of our founding fathers told through Hip Hop by a melting pot of ethnicity and an amazing amount of musical writing genius and vocal talent is worth your time and then some.

Two of the songs on the album have brought me to tears, both for very different reasons, but there is no limit for the ways, hows, whys and whens your heart can be touched.  The last few lines of the show hit you with a lasting thought, not about the man whom the show was based on but for your own life, "who tells your story."

This can be a depressing thought to some depending on from which angle you want to view that question.  It's easy to look back and see all the lacking, to doubt what you have done to make an impression to others or to look forward and continue to doubt that there is not something great and special out on a horizon somewhere.  You and I are not the only ones to see the faults glaring brighter than the gifts, but you and I both do hold the promise that gifts are exactly what we have been given, and a Hope and a Future are there for us as well. (Eph. 1:3, Jer. 29:11)

Paired with the thoughts Hamilton has produced, are the ones that come from reading a book by Eric Metaxes that features seven amazing women from history, their impact, and the secret to their successes.  I could go on and on about the amazing encouragement each of these women were as I read the stories that I was told about them, but I'll spare you the hours it would take to read such a gush filled review and share only these few thoughts.

None of these women, from Joan of Arc to Mother Teresa with 5 others in between, began their life seeking greatness, none of them made choices based upon the ladder they could climb and the prominence they might be able to carry, and none of them are established names in history because the steps they took were quick or easy, and all of them went through physical, emotional, verbal, and/or spiritual damage and upheaval before their story was done.  Each of them, however, had one very important thing in common, desiring to tell a more important story than their own.

Their secret, in a nutshell, was a Faith in their Creator, Savior, and His Spirit that enveloped their every decision and letting that Faith carry them in the midst of a variety of difficult and darkness in order to shine.

How thankful I am that we can share that one commonality with them as well.

Just as Sally Lloyd Jones tells us that every story of the bible "whispers His name," our lives do the same but sometimes "in a futile attempt to erase our past we deprive the community of our healing gift.  If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others." (Brennan Manning)

The vast majority of our lives will not be turned into a Broadway phenomenon, and our names will not be written in books that generations and generations after us can read, but every single person God has created has a story that can be used for Him, and whether millions, thousands, hundreds, or just those a few close and personal people will know it, you are promised that it will be used for Good.  

I'll be praying for you, pray for me.

for when you need contentment in the calling

As we conclude our look into these next Ten months, let us remember past Truths that have been revealed and concentrate on opening our hearts to the new ones God so lovingly and continuously presses upon us because of the beautiful gift of Grace.  

He is our simple answer in the midst of the complicated world, the one who gave us "time."  

And in the midst of all unknowns, we are Known to Him and when we Abide and Obey we can hear and follow His call in our lives.  

Though you would think the hard part is over once we hear, it only begins, as we then have to be content in whatever it is He has called us to...

If at this moment we were somehow miraculously blessed with a daughter, she would be given what could be interpreted as a most grandma sounding name.  Matilda Ruth May would hold not only have all of our hearts, but in turn would be granted a first name after one of my most favorite book characters and a middle name matching that of a woman in the bible that has encouraged me since the first reading decades ago.

Ruth was a girl who married a man who had moved from another land into her own.  After the death of her husband, her husband's brother, and her husband's father, she was left alone with her mother in law along with a sister in law who also happened to be from the same country as she.  Though tradition and law would have kept her bound to her husband's family when the decision was made to move back to the family's original homeland, her mother in law gave her an out, told her to stay in the place she knew, with the people she knew.  Her sister in law took the opportunity to leave.  Ruth stayed.  And thus began a story that resulted in another link in the line of Jesus.

The thing is, Ruth didn't know that that was going to happen.  No angel appeared to her as did to Mary centuries later to tell her she was going to birth a Savior.  Ruth did not have the benefit of reading and studying her story in a bound book as we have.  All Ruth had was a brief moment on a road to make a decision to turn back or keep going.  No one would have faulted her for either choice.

Finally hearing and answering God's call in your life brings a peace, a relief, a joy that cannot be compared to anything else.  That moment when you step forward into your next thing, even when it happens without a feeling of complete confidence, holds an excitement of adventure whether or not there is a healthy dose of unsurety mixed in.  

But just down the road from that initial beginning, when the trudging of your feet on the path begins to wear down the initial excitement, is where the doubt can begin to sneak in.

An in depth study of the book of Ruth in college left me with a phrase that pops into my head often, Glean in the field where you are planted.  Meaning, wherever you find yourself, take advantage of the opportunity, learn all you can from the experience so that that knowledge can become wisdom and prepare you for whatever is to come next.  Over the years, I have learned--the hard way no doubt--that there is another aspect to gleaning where you are planted, you have to be content with being there in the first place.

Have you ever tried to be content with where you are all the while being furious at where you were?  

Those two feelings do not mix.  You can not be content in where God has you if you are furious for being there.  But believe me, BELIEVE ME, when I say it is ok if contentment is not an immediate reaction.  For someone who is constantly carrying the undesired side effect of a short fuse as a result from her past hurts, Fury can definitely be a stop on the trip to get there.  It's ok to get mad and frustrated, with an array of other emotions thrown in as pit stops as well.  

If fury, or anything else besides contentment, is the one you are feeling now, let Him know, don't try to push past it or ignore it, or fix it on your own.  Your unrelenting loving Father can handle all of you and longs to do so.  He knows your heart and is forever refining you on the way, so tell Him what you are feeling, SAY IT OUT LOUD.  Your inner dispositions can not truly change if it's not Christ in you that is changing them.  

There are many words that can be substituted for contentment in the world.  Pleasure, cheerfulness, and gratification are just a few, but in this conversation of being content with where God has placed each of us, the only word I can think to use is Satisfied.  God longs for us, asks us, to let Him satisfy.  To let Him fill up all the places inside us so that we are satisfied in Him and Him alone.  To seek satisfaction elsewhere is to place something else in His place. above where He should rest in your life.  

Satisfy us Lord, with your tender mercies that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

The hardest part for me to understand was when in the middle of something, in the middle of the hard and confusing, not knowing whether to seek contentment and wait for change or to seek contentment and look for change.  Life in Christ is not passive.  Yes God is sovereign, and holds the entirety of my story in his Hand completely crafted from eternity, but it takes my physical movement to go forward on this earth.

Were the things I was facing, were the rocks I was pushing up hill needed to build whatever was at the peak or were they just getting in the way and needed to be let go to roll back down so that my hands would be free for whatever I would find to do at the top?  This is that time again when I listen to these words instead of the doubts that can come up, "No matter what our circumstances, we can enter right now into God's will for us--the will of a wise and loving Father who knows how to weave all of our choices into a redemptive masterpiece."  Whether I keep pushing an unnecessary boulder or whether I let one go that might have been helpful to have after all, I can be content in whatever state I find myself in next because He redeems it all.

One important thing I have learned to help me with truly being content in where I am was discovering that many times I was scared to be content because I was afraid God would make me stay there forever or forget that I wanted to move onto something else.  I realized, that God knows the desires of my heart and asking for something is not a sign of discontentment, as long as I trust Him no matter what His answer is.

Though I am not a huge podcast fan--I have an aversion to the lack of genuine voices podcasting can supply--there are a few, with normal vocal tones, that I have come to listen to.  One of which, called The Pivot, included a conversation between two singer/songwriters my husband and I have loved since college, Andrew Osenga and Bebo Norman.

When seeking contentment in where you are in the midst of following the call in your life, when racked with confusion over knowing whether or not your search is fruitful or futile, take into account my synopsis of the ending of their conversation...

"It's ok to try something and for it to go well and for it to not go well.  It's ok to walk away from something that is going really well because you are not meant to do it.  You can be about pursuing something and come to the conclusion that it is not something you need to continue pursuing.  You can be about pursuing something and know it's something you do not want to continue pursuing but have no choice at the moment to not do it because of the commitment that you have made.  Even the next thing you are sure you are supposed to do may not work and then you will find yourself back at square one again.  The gift is knowing that whatever hurdle comes, it doesn't end who you are, your identity in Christ.  Life does not fall apart just because of a shift in your current state."

Christ gives you freedom from caring about the end result because He gives you freedom to be content in the midst of whatever.  Nothing is wasted.

I hope you have enjoyed and gleaned from the lessons we have been learning this month and that they have and will help you think about your next ten months and carry over into your forever as well.

I will be praying that you will continue to see and hear where He is taking you and that you will be able to find contentment in the midst of whatever it is.  Pray for me.

Part 1 - The next ten months

Part 2 - A simple answer

Part 3 - Time is not ours

Part 4 - Doing the 'right' thing

for when you are learning to love part 6: loving them all

You were hardwired for love, so everything you decide, desire, think, say, and do is an expression of love for someone or something. ~ Paul David Tripp, New Morning Mercies

One more thing on this love learning menu.  Then after, instead of just adding more to the list, it will be time to practice those same things over and over until they become specialties walked out only by Grace given and the growth that inevitably comes from the many failures and eventual successes on the wisdom road.

We spent a week in Romania sharing this verse, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matt 22:37-39), and a somewhat comical portrayal of the Good Samaritan to children and adults in which our good friend was jumped by my husband and another guy, 'beaten' up, and left writhing on the ground complaining and whining in English with a couple Romanian phrases thrown in for good measure.  Stressing that everyone is your neighbor was the point of the story.  Everyone is your neighbor.  Not just the ones you like.  Not just the ones you who were nice to you first.  Not just the ones who can scratch your back if you scratch theirs.  

To me, it seems as if this final lesson of love is the most difficult because its the one that costs us the most.  Before now everything has been head knowledge.  Learning that we need to love, learning what love is, learning what love is not, learning that we can't love on our own, learning where that love comes from, can all be done internally, alone, without truly feeling the cost of what it takes to set yourself aside and extend that love we have so graciously been given to another, any other, every other.  But that is exactly who we are asked to love, everyone.

This is all well and good on paper until the time comes to put it into action.  

In ninth grade I took Geometry.  This was one of those classes that could turn the best of math students into the worst and vice versa.  it was a completely different concept that you either got or you didn't.  For whatever reason I got it, pretty well, and one thing that has stayed with me from that class more than any other were proofs.  As much as I liked geometry, I HATED proofs.  How was it that I needed to write 15 sentences to tell you the answer that I already knew.  Well if this then this, and if this then this, and so on and so on.  Little did I know at the time that that concept would guide my spiritual heart more than anything else.

We are given this Truth that we are loved, when we are His child we are loved unconditionally with Hope eternal.  And if that, then...  From that one point we can be taken to a future of loving, one step at a time.

Preparing your mind for action (1 Peter 1:13) is an absolute necessity.  Studying, memorizing, readying yourself is an integral part, but only if when the time comes you "walk by the spirit, and not gratify the desires of the flesh."  God is going to call you to love people you want to love, people who fill you with joy and hope, pleasure and purpose, and when this happens your heart will burst with the sweet Spirit inside and surrendering yourself to it will be one of the easiest decisions you can make.  

However, in just as many instances, God will present you with people to love in that same whole-hearted, spirit surrendering way and every part of your being might feel nothing but the opposite of a loving desire.   In fact, instead of walking by the spirit and not gratifying the desires of your flesh,  your flesh will boil and fight and inside yourself you will physically feel these two forces completely opposed to one another, keeping you from doing the things you want to do or, maybe more truthfully, allowing you to do exactly what you might want to do, nothing.

Let's be honest.  There are countless times you don't really want to love the people you love so why on earth would we want to love the people we don't love.  There is no earthly reason why we should love another if we do not want to, but there is a very heavenly one that tells us why we need to.  "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this ALL people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:34-35)

It's HARD, when it gets personal.  When you can list reason after reason of the why you should nots, the justified examples that can be spilled out and pointed at, but if the given in our loving proof is that we are loved then eventually, following that beginning, no matter how many sentences follow, we can reach the end with a loving heart for another.  When we remember that we aren't worthy of the love we have been given, why should we expect another to earn our love in return.

In his daily devotional New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp says this,  "You are a lover; we all are.  We love.  It's what human beings do every moment of every day, in every location, and in every situation.  You are never not loving.  It's in the very fiber of your being.  It's the way God carefully constructed you.  Why did he hardwire you to love?  Why is this such an essential part of who you are?  God created you with this capacity so that you would have what you need to live in a deeply loving, heart-controlling, motivation-producing, worship-initiating, joy-stimulating relationship with him.  Your capacity to love was created for him.  Your desire to love was meant to draw you to him.  Your heart was designed to long for love, and that longing was meant to find its final and complete fulfillment in him." 

We are all hardwired for love, the question will come down to how it manifests itself.  Does it come out in a love of self, in being right, in wanting personal comfort, satisfaction, retribution?  Or will it come out in an inner disposition that builds others up and inevitably points them to Jesus because it's His love in us they see.

I pray that others will see God through our love, and I pray much more needfully, that He help us love others because we know how much He loves us.  Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

For more in this learning to love series...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

because if you don't tell them, how will they know {September's challenge}

"We live and breathe words..." ~Cassandra Clare

How true is this statement.  Words are very much the life and breath of our days.  They portray our feelings, share our concerns, teach our children, effect our hearts, overwhelm our motherhood, cheer our teams, bring tears at times and smiles at others...I could go on and on.  They, no matter what walk of life, fill our minds to overflowing daily.  Whether those words are read, spoken, thought, signed or even dreamed, our lives are teeming with words to hear, see, and process.

The previous was something shared years ago in a post called "Words" early on in this blog's life.  And recently it has come to mind again as the thoughts of sharing our stories and being transparent with others have been topics of discussion and pondering.   

Writing for others to read can be an intimidating thing and I don't just mean for me.  When you put down words or thoughts in an assignment, a story, a text, a letter, or a quick note, you are taking a piece of your heart and whatever it is full of in that moment and bearing it to the world.  While all words can never be taken back, the written ones are easier to remember than spoken ones because the evidence is before you to be looked at again and again if desired and destroying it requires a purposeful, physical action whether it's just pressing delete or tearing up and burning paper in anger.  I know I can't be the only person who has had an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend bonfire!

While we all have received notes that carry less than positive feelings, we also probably each remember times where left for us or sent to us have been words of full of love, thankfulness, and encouragement.  The best are the ones that come out of the blue.

As we begin to abandon the robotic, social norm answer of how we are and discover ways to be more transparent with others in our everyday conversations we will begin to see and feel how others impact our hearts.  A reader commented with these words when asked a question by a friend if we really should share our hearts with random strangers we just happened to run into during the day...

"...when we are open and honest and honest with people then it might cause them to be more open and honest and help them to share a burden when they might now have otherwise.  It may be a situation where you are definitely out of your comfort zone, however, you may just have the story they need to hear.  So, to answer your question, sometimes you need to open up to people close to you or sometimes you need to open up to a total stranger.  You might be surprised how a total stranger or someone you barely know can minister to you in a profound way and you might minister to them in a way that could change the way they are feeling about themselves and therefore change their life forever!"

When I receive a message or a comment about something I said impacting another in a positive way it doesn't puff of my pride but calms my soul.  Hearing that something you said or did brought peace or joy or understanding or support to another gives you confidence that yes, you are purposeful; yes, God is with you and is using you; yes, you heard and listened and obeyed.  All of these things are true without the response, but as people who were created to be in community, the giving and receiving of words is part of us, part of our given mission.  Proverbs 18:21 says Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Likewise, it is imperative for me to remember that if another's purposefully given words that show appreciation about something I said or did are so impactful in my life, mine to another for the same reason are just as impactful to them.  We do not live in a world of straight lines where we give, another takes and that's the end.  Whether it's positive or negative, what we do creates a cycle.  What we give another always has the potential to effect what they give to the next person.  What I desire to give is love and support to motivate another to continue in the way God has pointed them towards and created them to be so that they can do that for another.

But I know, without Him being the one ruling my heart, there is the potential to create the opposite effect.  That is a fruit, that is not delicious to eat.

So friends, today I have a challenge for you, a task for the month of September that I hope you will not only join in on, but share it with others and then come back and share with me what you did, how it went, or what you learned.

I challenge you, as I am challenging myself, to contact five people.  Think back in life, a week, a year, a decade, to a person who maybe just randomly or maybe completely on purpose spoke something into your life that changed you, something that was said out of the blue or with deep thought that open your eyes to who God made you or in a way you had never seen before.  Find in your memory banks a milestone moment to your heart that was built with just the innocent words of one who did not fear being transparent in a moment.  I know you have them, we all have them.

Step 1:  Pray.  Pray first.  Let the Spirit within your heart guide you to the moment in the person so that the actions and words that come are not from you but from Him.

Step 2:  Write.  Call.  Text.  Whatever.  Reach out and let that person know that this is what they said and it impacted your life more than they would have ever thought, because if you don't tell them, how will they know.

So far on my list is a teacher I had through elementary and middle school, a woman who without knowing has mentored me through really hard life situations, a reader who constantly encourages, a previous employer, and a young child whose smiling face never ceases to brighten my day when I see it.

I am praying for you as we conquer this first challenge An Inner Disposition is setting that you will not only see the cycle that is built from it, but it is one you will want to take on again and again, pray for me.

let it all shine

Months ago, while chatting with the one in my life with whom I share my greatest desires, biggest excitements, largest failures, and unfortunately, ugliest attitudes, the subject of the future came up and with it the past as well, because more often than not conversations with one always need to involve the other.  Let me pause here to say, if you have a person, any person, in your life who will ask you what your dream is and listen while you ramble on about its ins and outs you are a lucky one indeed.  If you have a person, any person, who will not only listen but speak truth directly into that dream that simultaneously encourages and challenges than you have been given a blessed gift. Treasure it.

That night ambitions towards sharing, towards writing it down were verbalized.  Fantasies of feeling confident enough in sharing our story and not only how God has radically changed my life, my heart, but how He continually does so because it is continually needed, so very needed, were said out loud. I feel very strongly that the creator of the universe was asking me to say a big fat yes to letting down my guard and being transparent for Him.  I don't remember the complete response given from the mouth of the man who has vowed to be with me forever, but I remember one small sentence of loving advice that has been saved in black and white since that evening rooting itself into my heart and head and trying to make its way through and into each letter placed upon every page, "If you want to be transparent you have to do it when it's not pretty too."

Children raised in church or attending a summer VBS with a friend or even in the gypsy village fields of Romania know a familiar to most of us song about having a light and not hiding it under a bushel.  Oh no, friend let that light shine!  As you get older you hear the words to that childlike song in the verses of Matthew 5:14-16 when you read about "being a light on a hill that cannot be hidden (vs 14)" and "not lighting a lamp and putting it under a basket (vs 15) and "shining your light before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify God. (vs 16)"  It's easy and quite tempting to read those words and decide on your own that only the good stuff can be shared, best foot forward, spit spot, off you go, and so on.

If you've ever interviewed for a job of any kind some well meaning person will make sure to tell you that you can only make one first impression.  You have also probably been told, as I was, that in that interview when you are inevitably asked to name 3 or more of your negative qualities make sure they are actually good qualities in disguise.  When speaking to the wonderful people who became my principal and instructional lead teacher I laced my negatives with words the required positives describing how it was hard for me to disconnect myself from my students, I just cared too much.  While that was technically true the actual thing I wanted to confess was I have no idea how to deal with the parents of my students, I'm not a parent (wasn't at the time) and all the students in my previous experience (Auburn City Schools) were pretty much perfect.  Had I just spit that out instead and asked for help in that specific area I would have avoided a lot of anxiety and a few missteps.

I like making good impressions, I appreciate not falling on my face for all the world to see, I feel accomplished when people think I have it all together, I relish the allusion that I have control.  Anybody feel me?  But behind that, poking and prodding my heart, is the knowledge that I'm hiding just as much light when I'm trying on my own to just shine all the pretty.  Speaking right to the heart of my attempts are more words that are simultaneously encouraging and challenging.  "Am I now trying to win approval of human beings, or of God?  Or am I trying to please people?  If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal. 1:10)"

Our desires to be "good" southerners, to be "good" Christians, to tow the line, to not air our dirty laundry, to never step right or left but only go straight, to be model moms or dads or teachers or decorators or drivers or advice givers or whatever fills in the blank for you, hides part of the light we have been given through the life God has led and will lead us through. "There's no going back, and there's no hiding the information.  So let everyone have it." ~Andrew Kantor

When God uses all things for good (Rom. 8:28) that does not mean only the parts you have shined up and put on a shelf to show off.  It means all the things, the ones you want to hide, the ones you haven't been able to hide, and the ones that haven't happened yet but most assuredly will seeing that we are all sinful people walking on earth.  The good, the bad, and the ugly are redeemed for Him, are there to shine in the midst of the darkness for the good of you, the good of another, and the Glory of our Creator.

"The story of redemption and healing is that Jesus came to exchange my not-good-enough with his better-than-I-could-ever-imagine.  He came to trade my life for His, my weak for His strong, my ashes for His beauty.  He longs for each of us to receive the gift of Himself."  Emily P. Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl.  And what better way to do that than shining all of you and showing that you know your best are rags in His eyes but you also are proof that your worst is beauty for Him as well for in them He works and redeems and shows that you are loved more than you can ever imagine and the eyes around you will know that they are as well.

In the pretechnology era of church-going when transparency was not just a sharing of your whole self but an actual clear sheet reflecting words on a wall, this girl took her Sunday turns uncovering the next lines that let those in a building know the words to sing next.  Like the loving nudge I would get when my mind wandered, here is my nudge for you.  Try transparency and let your dirt shine.

Pray for me, I'll be praying for you.

more encouraging words at #tellhisstory

bible in a year: week 7

This year a goal has been set to read the entirety of God's word and there is a host of women joining in on the journey.  Failure is always an option as we are each imperfect people but it is never a reason to give up!  Whether each day is done without fail, catch ups are needed, or some have to stop for a variety of reasons, each word read, no matter how many, will lead us to grow in wisdom, grace, and fellowship with both us and our creator.

It took less than a day of reading to get a deeper understanding of why one can study the bible for a lifetime and still glean new things.  In truth a lifetime is not enough.  As Saint Augustine said, "The bible is shallow enough for a child not to drown, yet deep enough for an elephant to swim.  Each verse opens up a new thought, a new question, a new understanding of what God has done and sometimes a confusion of why He is doing it.  In moments of questions research is good but there are times where I need to submit to His authority remembering what A.W. Tozer said in his book Pursuit of God, "God will not hold us responsible to understand the mysteries of election, predestination, and the divine sovereignty.  The best and safest way to deal with these truths is to raise our eyes to God and in deepest reverence say, "O Lord, Thou knowest." Those things belong to the deep and mysterious Profound of God's omniscience.  Prying into them may make theologians, but it will never make saints."

I got behind a couple days this week and had to spend a good amount of time on Saturday getting caught up.  But behind or not, I am loving what I am learning through out this year.  The habit to dig into and familiarize myself with this story in its entirety.  This one story that weaves itself in and out of each individual book.  It holds a beauty that nothing will ever come close to comparing to.

Genesis 45-50, Exodus 1

Brothers making peace, Father and Son reunited.  Forgiveness.  This story was just all the things!  When Joseph, overcome by emotion, can no longer hold in the truth and yells out so loudly that it was heard outside, "I AM JOSEPH" I felt the emotion.  Weeping on his brother Benjamin's shoulder and then again on his Father's.  Y'all.

Joseph knew his purpose, the reason God had allowed and orchestrated the difficulties of his earlier life.  He was sent ahead of them to preserve life.  He tells them when he reveals his identity and then again after the death of their father.  "You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result--the survival of many"  He pioneered this area to preserve the life of God's people, to place them in an area where they can grow and prosper. and they did.

The 12 tribes of Israel.  The sons of Jacob.  Continuing to carry on the promise made to Abraham years ago.  More numerous than the stars.  

But then comes Exodus.  And even though Joseph was told by Jacob that God would bring them out of Egypt and then Joseph told his brothers that God would bring them out of Egypt, I doubt any of them would realize how that story would play out.  God doesn't just easily bring them out of Egypt.  First they prosper, then they are enslaved.  Struggle comes before deliverance.  Is it so we glorify God all the more when deliverance comes?

Mark 15-16, Luke 1-4

Mark closes out his gospel with the death and resurrection and then Luke begins to tell the story himself in a letter to Theophilus, a fact I had never realized until this week.  Two things from the end of Mark that stood out to me were both about women in the narrative of Jesus.  The woman who anointed him with perfume, the woman they looked down upon for "wasting" such expensive perfume, was lifted up by Jesus when he said, "Truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will also be told in memory of her."  She was remembered for her dedication to her Lord, she was remembered by her fruit.  Again, after the resurrection, he appears to Mary Magdalene, a woman who loved and followed him devotedly.  Mark describes her as a woman out of whom he drove out seven demons.  Did I know this before?  She not only knew of His power, but had experienced that power and devoted herself to Him since.  

I don't know if we should read into the female/male aspects of these situations or not, but I do love the dedication of these women, their love for Jesus, and their commitment to being near him no matter the situation.

Job 11-17

Alright, full disclosure, Job confuses the heck out of me.  Not Job the person, Job the book.  I'm trying to hang in there, I'm getting the jist, but I know there is TONS I am missing.  If anyone knows of any book, study, sermon series, anything that might help shed some light on this I would love to know about it.

However, one thing I did fully understand was a simple sentence Job uttered to his friend.  A sentence I have been tempted to say to others many times in life.  "If only you would shut up and let that be your wisdom."  Sometimes shutting up is the best thing you can do.  If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all.  There is a reason this phrase is uttered by everyone everywhere.  

Words can bring the most comfort in the midst of the darkest times, but they can also be a hammer that drives the nails in deeper.  Watch your words, don't say them just for the sake of saying them.  Sometimes, wisdom comes from silence, and just standing closely by.

Romans 15-16, 1 Corinthians 1-5

Paul can straight write a closing paragraph.  "Now to him who is able to strengthen you according to my gospel and the proclamation about Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery that was kept silent for long age but now revealed and made known"...  He gives you strength through the gospel, this mystery that His people had been waiting for for so long that has now been revealed through Christ.  To Him, and his amazingly sovereign, encompassing plan, to Him be the glory.

And now Paul begins the next letter, this time to the Corinthians, urging them to be united under the one true Gospel, reminding them that we are all under Jesus, not the one who happens to be telling you about him.  How often we honor the messenger instead of the One his message is about.  It's difficult at times because people we can understand and much of God is a mystery, but we are managers of that beautiful mystery, those plans that God has ordained and omnisciently pieced together.  Honor Him, not others.  Learn that we can not add to what has been said, "NOTHING beyond what is written."

But you have to look carefully at what is written.  Though the Word can be applied to many parts of your life, there is only one Truth that can be extracted from it.  I learned this week that I might have been told, taught, or thought, I'm not sure which, a meaning from scripture that wasn't exactly right.  

In 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, Paul says, (my paraphrasing) I wrote to you to not associate with sexually immoral, greedy, idolatress people BUT I did not mean immoral people of the world (non-believers); otherwise you would have to leave the world (because there are so many you wouldn't be able to do anything or go anywhere).  I actually wrote to not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister who is doing these things.

We are warned to stay away from the "bad" kids, "bad" people of the world.  Yes, there is a need to be careful and show wisdom, but we can not cocoon ourselves from the world, we are to enter into the world and show Truth.  THIS is being like Jesus.

because each of our lives could be a podcast

My dad used to drive us to elementary school.  At the time he had a brown 1979 Impala that he had been given by my grandparents complete with cigarette burned front seats, a ceiling with fabric so droopy it could hit you in the head if you sat up too straight, and a push button radio that he only kept on NPR which never failed to tell us how many minutes it was until the hour as we were getting out in front of the school drop off line.

So, with that explanation, I guess you can say my hatred for talk radio began at a young age.  Apart from Click and Clack's comical Boston accented voices on Car Talk who will forever hold high rankings in my fondest childhood memories, I have always found talk radio to be false thoughts only spoken as ads, full of unnecessary sensationalized emotions and opinions that seem to do more for segregating people then bringing them together, or, well, boring.  I realize that is a strong statement.  Sorry that I have to stick by it pretty intensely.  Forgive me if you have different opinions!

It was because of this, and these preconceived opinions, that I have jumped, very late, onto the podcast bandwagon.  My inability to pay attention to them while also working on other things has kept my list down to just a handful of favorites that can be listened to when my mind does not need to be engaged elsewhere, most of which are just people I may or may not have ever heard of telling their life stories.

In conversation the other day I was sharing with a friend some wonderful insight I had gained through listening to a guest on The Pivot and how cool it was that this person who I will never meet dared to bare their soul and hard earned wisdom of life just so that I, Sarah in Oxford, Ga, could be spoken into.  There is such beauty in that, that sharing of life to benefit the life of another.  Conversation continued on about how many celebrities now have podcasts and how thousands and thousands will listen to them for no other reason than because they are well known.

This thought was pondered quite a bit and then I remembered a verse in John that portrayed another preconceived opinion that one of the disciples had before following along.  At the end of chapter 1 when Philip tells his friend that they have found the Messiah and are going to follow him.  His friend replies, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?"

Why do we often assume good things only come from big important places or big important people?  When there are 7 billion people available, quite a few are going to be known, well known, famously or infamously so.  Most of us will not reach that level of recognizability by the masses, but we still each have a story to tell.  We each have the ability to impact another with what we have been through, what we have been brought through, and where we are going.

I'm not saying we should each start a podcast, but we should each tell our stories.  Talk about what has happened, what God has done through it.  When Jesus restored the literally out of his mind naked man in Luke 8 back to his senses he begged to go with them wherever they were going, but Jesus said no, instead, go home and tell what God has done for you.  Go to that little town you have been living outside of and say it to them.

We are not all meant to have the loudest voices, but we are all meant to speak.  

I'm not saying we should each start a podcast, but we each could, because anything Good can come out of anywhere if God is deeming it to be so.  You can be the stone that starts a giant ripple that brings others to Him.

Oh Nazareth, you precious little blip on the map.  Can good come from you?  Yes, and it was the ultimate Good.

I'll be praying that you not just know your perfectly purposely planned and executed story for His glory, but that you will tell it to others and let them see.  Pray for me.

for when you are digging up roots

We had lived in this new house for less than six months.  Walls had been painted, furniture set in place, and decor was somewhat coming together.  Plenty was still left to do but considering decorating, revamping, and freshening up my home has a significantly high rank on my lists of favorite things, that is a job that is delightfully unending.

The yard we inherited is beautifully green with spans of open grass suitable for all things sports that three boys fine appealing.  There are also private set aside spots for a soon to be coming chair, the perfect spot for spring and fall reading.  A variety of little spaces give an illusion of rooms in the wide open space where yard games are played, water balloons filled, birds visit feeders, berries picked, or trees climbed depending on in which section you find yourself.

My greatest challenge will not only be adding pretty flowering color but also to not destroy this green haven that has been around for decades. I am not nearly as handy in the outside home world as I am on the inside.  Vision is never a problem, but the results can end up a little brown and crispy more often than I would like.
Although most of the spots out of our doors are ones that I love there was another that stuck out every time I stood on the porch and glanced around the yard.  It cried out for help, or maybe I was crying out to help it, because staring front and center in my view were 30 year old boxwood bushes.

It is a mystery to when my hate/hate relationship with these bushes began, but ever since childhood I would stare at these boxy things cornering curbs, lining up on house fronts, and blocking fences and scowl at their trimmed shape.  Maybe in the elaborate garden of an English manor they have their place but in every home I have lived as an adult they are on the list to go.

One Sunday afternoon while the boys were resting and Zach and I were feeling our Sabbath rest needed to be more active of body to help quiet the spirit, we began tackling the task of ripping out those eye sores of mine. We spent little more than an hour trimming, digging, pulling, and then hauling away.  In little more than an hour this spot that had occupied my line of sight was left clear of debris and ready to bear something new in its space.

In little more than an hour God granted me a milestone moment.   A day where my heart was changed, and I saw more of what He was doing, what he had done.  A day where so many struggles and prayers were whisked away and answered as pieces came together in my head and heart.

 In one afternoon, I learned four fundamental truths at the exact same time...

     1) Roots have to soften if you want to dig them out.  Difficult situations produce growing roots inside your heart just like Truths do.  The longer they live within you the deeper and stronger they grow to the point that they can almost feel permanent.  Ripping them out can be painful, exhausting work.  You can dig all around or you can wield and axe and turn them into shards but either way you will be spent and torn apart.  

The bushes we dug out had been soaking up rain for over a week.  The water had seeped in and softened so that the roots let go of the dirt around them and were able to be lifted out.  The Holy Spirit and the Truth it reveals serves the same purpose.  It can soak into and around the roots in your heart, softening their hold, so that they can be lifted out.  There's still a hole to fill no doubt, and making a hole of any kind does not come without some effort, without some pain.  However when it is not made through violent force, but with tender care it makes all the difference.

2)  Digging out roots is hard work.   Clearing out, digging out, is good.  It provides clean slates, level footing, new beginnings but it is not easy.  It takes effort but more importantly it takes getting started.  My wonderful Mary Poppins said, "once begun is half done."  Standing on the porch staring and grimacing at a bunch of bushes accomplished nothing.  Getting down in the dirt is where I had to be to complete the task.

 C.S. Lewis said "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”  The metaphorical roots that grow within us can be even more difficult and painful to remove but once gone it leaves more space for Truth to root down inside you and "Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." (Eph. 3:17)

3)  You need help.  Uprooting is not for the faint of heart and it is not a job done easily alone. My parents will drive four hours to spend a weekend digging flower beds, trimming trees and planting new things.  I have a friend whose parents have done the same thing several times as well.  Friends will mow your grass when you're sick or out of town, check on your pets, gather your mail.  God places people in your life for community, for bearing one another's burdens, for digging roots out of the ground.

There are people in your life who love you and are willing to drop almost anything to come to your aid, accept their help.  You were not mean to live life alone.

4) The finished result is well worth the work.  One of my favorite feelings is sitting outside all fresh and clean from a shower after a long day of work and enjoying the fruits of the labor.  Getting started might take awhile, there is obvious hemming and hawing sometimes, procrastination at it's finest but in the end when the job has been done the statement "I wish we would have done this sooner" is often uttered.  

I don't always understand God's timing.  Often I feel as if He might have wanted to show me things sooner but was just waiting until I was paying attention, but He is sovereign over all and I pray to accept His perfect plan as it comes or as I notice.

On October 4, 2015, one of my milestone days, I was given the gift of being able to completely forgive, submit to the command to love another even when the world would tell me not to, and just as that space was now cleared and ready for new growth, so was my heart ready to completely heal.  It can still take time, just as it can for you.  Weeds can pop up when the right care is not being taken but Hope remains as the promise of new mercies is ever present and the Divine Gardener is a much better care taker than I.

This is the last of this three part series of days and dates, joys and sorrows, milestones and newness.  I hope at some point my story and my words drifted away and you saw your own in it's stead.

I'm praying for you, pray for me.

prayer

Day 23 of 

Is anyone among you suffering?  Let him pray. 

James 5:13

I have friends from elementary school through college who I almost never see and seldom talk to. We follow each other on facebook, instagram, and all the other pieces of social media created to keep people in touch, but it's just not the same as sitting in a room together, or even on the phone, and getting to chat.  As much as I love them, and will forever think of them as friends, and be appreciative for who they are and have been in my life, something is missing.  The people closest to me in life are the ones I talk to.  The ones who know about me and I know about them because we have the thing required to keep our relationship intact: Conversation.

 Conversation is ESSENTIAL in relationships.  It is impossible, seriously impossible, to fully know someone without talking to them.  You could have all their pictures and journals, heard stories from others about their life, but unless you have had a conversation in which you can hear their words from their own lips, there will always be something missing in your knowledge of them, and they will be missing a part of you as well.  

When God allowed the bomb to go off in my life, it shook up everything, and slowly and surely He began to rebuild it all the way He wanted.  There was not one part of my life that wasn't touched, and praise God for that, because that means there is not one part of my life that He is not a part of.  Now granted, I do not mean that I'm all good and restored and rebuilt and coasting along. Our lives are in a constant renewal process, a race that is continued to be run.  However, I do mean that I am constantly learning how to let Him in everywhere, to keep nothing back for myself, and to hide nothing from Him because nothing is able to be hidden anyway.

God has given us things on this Earth, tangible things, that aid us in our clinging to the Hope He brings.  Yesterday I wrote about His Word, today it is prayer.

I did not go to seminary, I have no background degree in theology, and I have only read one of the 100s of books out there about prayer.  The point is I am not an expert on the subject, but like you, God has given me a story. And like you, prayer has an impact on that story whether I use it wisely or not.

My prayer life the past year has been an up and down experience and learning process.  There were days where my heart was so full of sorrow, the only thing that would ease it was lamenting in prayer to God. I would ask Him all the questions, and give Him all the complaints welling up within me, until I was drained of it all. And I would be more at peace because instead of keeping it inside, I laid it out to Him, and He would take those burdens.  There were days that I was so full of joy and thankfulness for the way God was working within my husband and me and our marriage that my heart gave me no choice but to thank Him for it all, and pour my joy at His feet.

Another side of prayer life existed as well.  There were also many days that my heart was so full of sorrow that nothing would come out.  I had no strength to think, no strength to question, no strength to even complain.  Those days were the hardest.  The days where the one thing I needed to do was lay it all down at the cross, but at the time, holding on to it seemed to hurt less because I thought talking about it and letting it go, even to the only One who could help, would be so painful I couldn't bare it.   However, whether it only took a few hours, a few days or a few weeks, God did not let go of my heart. His Spirit would hint, and prick and push until finally I blurted it out to Him and it never failed that in that moment I would feel peace again from finally having the conversation. 

That is what prayer is.  A conversation between you and your Heavenly Father.  It doesn't have to be eloquent, it doesn't have to be done only when you're in a good mood or only when you know your exact need. It doesn't have to be with eyes closed and head bowed no matter what some pastor told you at the end of the service.   It can be through tears of joy or tears of sorrow.  It can be through your biggest smile or through clenched teeth.   It just needs to happen.  Our pastor frequently quotes Alexander Moody Stuart's first rule of prayer.  Pray until you pray.  Start the conversation with God and keep at it until you are finally having the conversation you need to be having.   

From experience I can tell you that there are times it won't be easy, and there are times where it is the last thing you want to do. But when you finally let the Spirit win out and give yourself over to prayer, the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus,  (Phil. 4:6-7) and you will see Hope.