because fear doesn't own you

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

Don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
Please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

~John Madera and David White, songwriters

As an adult with a slightly higher level of maturity than the me long ago, rewatching movies from my tween and teen years makes me gawk at what was being let into my being--I'm looking at you Clueless.  I mean Josh was in college thinking about law school and Cher was 15...15!!!  Along with droves of other things and other media I won't get into now, my abundant naivete thankfully/unfortunately did not understand the depth of the scenarios presented.  However within them situations stuck and for better or worse had a hand in developing me into me, my thoughts into my thoughts, and my reactions into my reactions.  

Have you ever heard something or seen something from an unconventional source and have it either radically change your life or set off a series of thoughts inside you that led you to a conclusion you have looked for for years?  Anything can preach.  The gospel is everywhere.  No matter how much the world desires and tries to hide it, God will make himself known whether in the most obvious of places or the most random.  

And all the peoples said Amen, especially this girl who while flipping through Netflix saw a picture from a movie watched during those years I mentioned.  After that brief moment of scrolling past, the title song made its way into my head and as it repeated within there was an almost immediate understanding of a Truth.  It doesn't own me.  It never has.  The It I am referring to is fear.

I could sit down and list all the things I am scared of, and actually have done some in the past here.  It's a great exercise and I will be challenging you to do that later.  There are also verses upon verses dripping with Truth from the only real source of it reminding that we have not been given a Spirit of Fear, that the Lord is our light and our salvation so whom shall we fear?,  in Him we trust we do not have to fear.  That last one gives insight to the issue of fear.  When my trust is in Him I do not fear, the moment my trust is moved onto something else fear sets back in.

 Even if there are extensive lists in front of you of both your fears and the Truths that fight them, until a realization hits that you, that I, am living in fear, letting those objects, people, and hypothetical situations effect choices and direct steps, there is never freedom from fear.  We were often reminded by our former pastor that head knowledge is not enough, you have to feel it in your gut too.  That is when it becomes part of you.

Fear is second nature, it's an involuntary reaction that feels so normal you do not even realize it's happening.  For some it has been that way forever.  The imperfect world you were born into, the imperfect body you start with because of the fall long ago is predisposed toward fear.  Much like the way some are predisposed to certain illnesses, or addictions.  Sin ain't no joke.  It weaseled it's way into everything.  

For others fear has  found its way to you through the experiences of life and the effects from them.  When you are faced with, hit by, a traumatic experience of any kind it leaves its mark not just physically, or emotionally, but chemically in the very makeup of you.  Fear is planted.  

There are wondrous things that come through trauma.  God promises that the sufferings of this world will NEVER compare to the glory revealed in us.  Within the hard you find a Good God that is more wonderful than you could have ever imagined, you see yourself more loved than you could have ever understood.  But somewhere, sometime later on because of this broken world an infiltration begins. However much you have known and felt the true Peace that passes all understanding, you still know what it is like on the other side.  That same past knowledge that God uses to give you an abundance of compassion for others is also used against you by another one to keep you on edge, making you think in every experience another shoe can drop, another shoe will always drop.  Satan twists, it's his specialty.  Fear is his favorite weapon.

When you let the list of fears effect your choices, guide your steps, you are giving the power of control to things that, quite frankly, don't get to say.  They don't get to change you.  They don't get to tell you what to do.  They don't get to tie you down.  They don't get to keep you from the things for which you were created.  They don't own you.  

But also remember that we don't own ourselves.  Thank goodness, because I've seen the way we mistreat the things we own, forget about the things we own, get tired of the things we own.

So who owns me?  The same one who created me, holds me, loves me, guides me, protects me, comforts me, never tires of me, never mistreats me, only helps me, only does things for my own good, and knows what I fear and has cast it out with his perfect love.

The earth is the Lord's and ALL it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it.  Psalm 24:1

O LORD, how many are Your works!  In wisdom you have made them all;  The earth is full of your possessions.  Psalm 104:24

Confession time.  There are two things God has asked me to do that I have said yes to doing, yet still have not done.  Much like that annoying elephant in the room, they are there in my thoughts, the knowledge that I said yes but have been overcome with fear of what will happen after that I just keep circling them, painstakingly procrastinating, trying to tick off every other possible thing on the to do list first.  And for those who know me, my to-do list is looooonnnng.

It's a short trip from trust to fear.  One moment our eyes are directly upon our Creator and the next they are averted to an easier task,  a plan already accomplished, or an escape route that gives immediate comfort.  But Isaiah 26:3--and the tattoo on my foot--reminds that He will keep us in perfect peace when our minds are stayed directly on Him.  On Him, not on our fears, our doubts, our what ifs, our if onlys.  On Him.

I am challenging you to make a list.  Write down every little thing you are afraid of from the silliest of bugs to the biggest of scenarios.  Do you see a theme?  Can you see if those fears direct themselves all to a similar root?  If you are so inclined, also think about how those fears have changed the way you have made decisions.  Do you have your own elephant you are skirting around?  Please tell me I'm not the only one!  But please, please please please, do not stop there, in the midst of that despondency.  Now, look up.  Look to who owns you, who has always and will always love you, who gives more than you could ever ask or imagine.  Look to who has and will cast out every fear and redeems them in the process.  Look up and see that fear doesn't own you, a Mighty God does.

I'll be praying for you, pray for me.

For the perfectionist

When with my eyes I try to see
A perfect world around me be
No mess, no stress, everything in a row
My heart may seem happy
But my vision is low

When with my eyes looking through God's view
They open up to things quite new
Heartache, trauma, loss, grief
First to appear
Difficult to believe

It may feel hopeless
You may feel doubt
The emotions that surge, we'd rather do without
But when looking through God's view you try
It keeps our vision way up high.

From that way now my eyes can see
How hope infuses everything
From the simplest smile to the highest praise
His hand it guides
It shows the way

Love and Joy, Faith and Trust
It never did depend on us
Perfection striving is a ceaseless task
Always trying, always lack
Until within His Son's light you bask.

This Perfect one
He is so near
Your eyes, your heart
It becomes quite clear
This world's imperfections mercifully show
It is along His path I long to go.

because there are stages in your growth

Each of our three boys learned to ride their bikes in very different fashions, ones that honestly matched their overall personalities.  Our oldest learned gradually, methodically moving from one step to the other until he finally stopped freaking out enough to realize he was really riding on his own.  The video of the first ride is priceless!  Our middle just decided one day that that was the day he was going for it and then pretty much jumped on the bike with minimal help and took off as if he'd practiced the event so often in his head that he didn't need practice in the physical world.  Oh to have his confidence and determination.  Our youngest, oh that baby, rocked his first time on two wheels.  I was inside cleaning the kitchen when he came and told me he wanted to try his two wheeler.  Not even bothering to put on shoes, because this boy had cried wolf before, I very shortly found myself running barefoot down the street with our oldest videoing his first epic ride. However the day after that first ride, and for many more, he claimed he didn't know how to do it anymore and wouldn't even try.  It wasn't until his neighbor friend came over on two wheels and upon seeing "the competition" yelled "Daddy get my bike." Since then it has still been an up and down experience because, bless his diva heart, if the conditions are not PERFECT buckle up for a patience draining trip around the block.

While my own journey to learning to ride a bike is not one I wish to remember, I see myself so much in each of their scenarios, especially in regards to my faith.  Whether it's methodically doing the right steps the right way so that the end result is practically perfect or jumping in on my own confident that I can get it done or going down the trail of trying, succeeding, fearing failure, quitting and trying again, I am constantly given opportunity to "work out my salvation in fear and trembling"

When through our past sufferings God bent me towards a desire to write and share, I at first took it as a yes to feeling confident in Christ to share the things placed upon my heart without fearing my lack of theological prowess and coming across as not reformed enough, or not loving and open enough, or maybe even seeming completely heretical.  As time has gone by I also have seen it as a confidence in sharing my short comings, the ways I am still very much being worked on as my Inner Dispostions are being changed.  Even again this past weekend as we were sharing with an elder at the church we are going to be joining, that pesky theme of self-righteousness reared it's ugly head again as I was sharing my faith story.  It is what Satan uses to derail me and what God uses to continually draw me to Him.

If given my wish, my bike metaphor for faith would be God give me a push so I can ride on my own from here.  Amen again and again that he doesn't leave me on my own.  I wouldn't want to see the massive crash that would happen.

When thinking of the verse from Philippians 2 that talks about working out your salvation with fear and trembling it was never the fear and trembling part I had a problem with odd since that word fear usually is in my top five of describing myself.  While I am thankful that as a teenager I learned in this scenario that fear is just a deep respect and trembling is just coming in humility. the problem I have always had is with the working part.  What God always calls working I seem to translate as earning instead.

Faith is a walk, a working out, a struggle between flesh and spirit.  It is not perfect, but within it we are being perfected.  Looking back over the years there are three distinct stages of growing in faith that have emerged.  As time continues and "knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us (Rom. 5:3-5)" more knowledge will transform into wisdom and the stages of growth will expand.  That is His promise until the work in us is completed.

For now, here are the three stages that have been walked through in my life and I pray my story disappears in your thoughts and yours comes forward and you will either see yourself in one of these or be able to discern your own, not to become discouraged at your lack, but to feel power in your weakness and hope in the growth that is promised.

Stage 1- Passive Faith 

     For reasons that would require an extensive explanation of my background that will not be shared here but will delightedly be shared with you personally over a cup of tea should you ask, there was a very long period of time where a passive view on faith led my life.  While there have always been hints of self-righteous earning and the desire to be good and do good in hopes that that would up my status, the majority of my life was spent thinking that faith was just something that happened to you as in God gave us each a measure of faith and we were kind of stuck with how much we got.  Thinking no matter what I did either way would make a difference I became equally content and discontent.  

Stage 2- Aggressive Faith

     In my late 20s after a sermon series on the spiritual disciplines my spiritual life changed dramatically. Eyes were opened to Truths and Promises that were never quite understood and there before me in lists and notes were ways and things I could do to grow.  Read, Meditate on the Word, Pray, Watch, Fast, Worship, Memorize...all actions.  All tangibles that sent me from being a spectator to jumping in and participating.  It was a time of amazing growth and learning and prepared my heart for the trials that would come just a few short years later.  While this remains one of the most memorable times of being drawn close, in the background self-righteousness was growing as well.  Creeping in on was a thought in my head that now that I've started I have to keep going.  I have to work hard to continue to grow and learn.  Subconsciously the gift of a new found and growing faith was taken over and thankfulness began shifting into triumph.

Stage 3- Active Participation

     There are times in life where God will break you down just so He can rebuild you.  So that He can rebuild you because you have been doing your level best to build yourself.  He does not need us to fulfill His plans.  As hard as that is to hear, it's true.  We are not powerful enough to destroy His plans and we are not Holy enough to fulfill them.  However, we are loved enough to be asked to participate in His Kingdom for our own benefit, for the encouragement to others, and for His ultimate Glory.  We are asked to participate through the disciplines, through acting out our spiritual gifts, through practicing the fruit of the spirit.  We are asked to participate so that we get a front row seat to seeing Him work, and love, and grow, and build, and disciple, and rescue.  We get a front row seat to the fulfilling of His promises so that we will learn to see His hand in every minute detail of life so that, instead of trying to go it alone, we burrow deeper into the shadow of His wing knowing that is the only place to be.  

I wish I could say I am fully entrenched into the Active Participation stage that I rejoice in the gift of Faith given and the way in which it increases only through Christ, but the world being the broken world it is, I crawl away at times and lie and wait for things to happen or try again to ride on my own with nothing but a push.  Then again He reels me in and loves me anyway.  

Today I pray for you words from John Piper, "Lord, thank you for our faith.  Sustain it.  Strengthen it. Deepen it.  Don't let it fail.  Make it the power of our lives, so that in everything we do you get the glory as the Great Giver.  Pray for me.