Sunday, December 14, 2014


I am tired.  Plain tired.  I am almost positive that any woman can say that at almost any time of any day.  Whether you are married or not.  Whether you have kids or not.  Whether you work out of the home or not.  It's just a common side effect of being female.  I think it's our brains.  The non stop thoughts that process through them.  The non stop activity around us.  The non stop feeling in our hearts to the things we see and hear about.  There is just always something isn't there?

Somehow my October just blended into November which is now blending into December and oh December.  We are two weeks in and almost all of that time has been spent with illness.  Illness of children and myself and I know I am not the only one.  I can name flus, stomach bugs, RSV, colds and even appendicitis that has gone through the friends around me.  I also have to mention this GIGANTICALLY HUGE project that someone decided at my husband's work was a good idea to have happen in the middle of December.  

I have watched and slept and prayed and gotten frustrated for him as he has been up for all hours on countless conference calls multiple nights in a row.  I have been tempted to make an appointment with whatever uppity up made this call to let them know that it was absurd, ridiculous and all the other less appropriate adjectives that spew out of me when I'm eating dinner with the boys and a man who has to have a black headset attached to his ears.  I am most thankful this is a virtually nonexistant part of his job at normal times but seriously there's nothing happening in the months of January through March.  Why not then!?

And then both of these situations are also followed by me getting annoyed with myself as I realize I'm just being a brat since I've spent so much time complaining over virtual blessings in my life.  Children who I love and want to take care of in sickness and in health.  A husband who has a great job and is a bright light of Christ in the middle of a corporate world.

I need to remember that overworked or not, sicknesses or not, overwhelming schedules or not, the beauty can not be taken out of December.  The joy that is known through advent and the celebration of the birth of our Savior and Lord is there always and in everything no matter what, but I do, sometimes, have to fight to see it.  I have to fight against the distraction, the frustration, the ongoing duties, and the sorrows and memories holidays so often bring.  I have to fight against my flesh that wants to get upset when things don't go the way I've planned, or my to do list just keeps getting longer, or my body is worn out and just won't do what I want it to, or the voices that follow me around whose only communication is through a whine or the brief but sweet time of prayer and reading that happened in those wee hours before children wake seem like a distant memory by the end of a day.

So I seek his face.  I repent yet again of trying to do it all on my own and make my own way.  I rejoice again that I have everything to give praise for and none is, or ever will be, due to my circumstances.  Again, I remember his promises.

  I have been doing the She Reads Truth advent study this month and each day has been wonderful.  As I've traveled through old testament prophecies and reading after reading of people and places that served their purpose in the story that leads up to Christ, I have been struck more than ever about the promises of God.  A prophecy is merely a promise, something told long ago that God promises to happen in the future.  The things angels told when they appeared to Zachariah, Elizabeth, Mary and Joseph were promises.  Every word God spoke or left with us in His Word was a promise of what will come, of what he'll do, and of who He is and not once in all of time has he broken any of his promises.  Not once did someone look at what he said and not see what he had done.  No it didn't, and still doesn't always happen in the ways our feeble minds can imagine or even comprehend, but My Father, your Father, the Father of our Savior, has never broken a promise.

  I had this thought the other day about what God may be thinking as I was struggling with the past and of how it still effects my present and my future while sitting in my car, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering why.  Why do I still struggle over and over with this same thing?  In the innermost part of my heart the Spirit calmed me with His promises.  I could just imagine my Heavenly Father tenderly saying I promise it's ok, I can see the big picture, I can see the beauty that is being created all around the yuck. I promise I will never leave you, I will never forsake you, I will be faithful to complete this work in you, all of this will work out for your good and you have nothing to fear.

Far better than even the most well intentioned promises I make my baby boys and the most genuine love I heap upon them, is the comfort of a Heavenly Father who knows no end and the promises He has made that can never be broken.

Monday, December 1, 2014

back home

The day after mine and Logan's birthday Zach left to go to Denver for a training class.   He was gone for 6 nights and 5 days, not that I was counting, and checking them off and praying that the time would go by quickly.  

I'm always excited when he goes somewhere fun for work and I get to go with him but I am never excited when he goes somewhere for work and I am left alone.  Not that anyone is excited to have their husband traveling so I know this is a shared feeling.  When I am gone for a day or a girl's weekend or something He never fails to let me know how thankful he is for everything I do.  Being left alone with three boys that you have to clothe, feed, and keep track of and a house that you have to not let get too destroyed definitely brings out a thankful heart.

Same goes for me when he is gone.  The daily things aren't too big of a deal.  I get them ready for school everyday and pick them up and help with the homework and make the dinner and all that on a daily basis anyway.  It's after dinner when there's the clean up of kitchen and children, and then the reading of the stories before bed and the praying and the singing,when my heart deeply misses my other half. Don't get me wrong, I miss him during the day too but at least then I can just pretend he is still at work!  Added to the normal schedule there was also Connor's Thanksgiving program at school and a Thanksgiving Feast to be eaten twice in one day and doing it alone was just no fun.

Though I can be truly satisfied in the Lord alone, life is just more enjoyable with my baby by my side.  God said it was not good for man to be alone, I am only assuming it's not good for women either.  I love having my encourager, my sanity provider, my partner, my fellow parent, my escape if needed, my cuddler at the end of the day.  I prayed more for single mothers last week than I have in a long time.  My heart was opened up to them in a new and fresh way with a desire to figure out how to reach out in assistance or at the very least show the love and grace that is so needed during times of frustration and struggle.  Will you pray too?

 Zach has been gone for extended periods of time before but for some reason last week the thought of living life like that hit me more than it ever has.  Probably because I now know all to well how quick something like that could happen and how thankful I am that it didn't.