i am his

Day 27 of 

Even though I had been assured that our bomb was not my fault, even though I believed it wholeheartedly, I knew I needed to learn something about myself in this process.  I knew God was not bringing me through this just for my husband to be broken and search himself.   I didn't just want to walk the road with him, I needed to walk the road.  I needed to come out on the other side different as well.  I needed to come out on the other side better, more beautiful, because He turns our brokenness into beauty, He makes all things beautiful. (Ecc. 3:11)   He does everything for His glory. So what about me needed to show His glory as well?

One day, a lengthy car ride conversation led to thinking, and thinking led to writing, and writing led to a moment of clarity that showed me exactly what one of the biggest things was that I needed to learn.  It was seriously one of those moments where the last piece of the puzzle fell into place and I could finally see the whole picture.  In a moment I began to understand myself more than I ever had.  The whys and whats of my thoughts, decisions, struggles, etc.  Obviously, it didn't completely fix me. I'm not a perfect woman who never struggles with this anymore.  It did however give it a name and now with that name I can identify it when that struggle comes.  That in itself makes a world of difference!

Zach and I were chatting about what keeps us from focusing on the Kingdom, and what are our biggest struggles that occupy our minds instead.  As we were talking, I got out my handy dandy notebook and started listing my biggest struggles. Here's what I came up with:

 being liked

 getting it all done (by myself)

 making sure everyone is ok

 not concentrating on my own sin, needs, struggles, etc.

 needing to appear ok

getting frustrated when my plans get changed

being right

hearing criticism

The next words out of my mouth were "I have some identity issues."  For as long as I can remember I have struggled with what people thought of me, but I never realized how sinful that was and how much it affected my relationships.  I have always been a 'good girl'.  The one who always followed directions, did what was expected, didn't want to make waves by disagreeing, followed instead of leading, letting others walk over me for fear that standing up would cause hurt feelings.  I tried to be so many different things because I didn't understand who I was supposed to be.  I have been His child for 20+ years but in that amount of time I didn't truly understand what being a child of God really meant.  My identity was so wrapped up in what I thought of myself and what other people thought of me, when it should have come from God alone.

Because of this, I usually never acted, I almost always reacted.  Instead of thinking I could change a situation I was in, I adapted to it, trying to "make the best of it."  I very often looked at whatever was happening and tried to figure out on my own what the "right" thing to do was, and then did that.

 Sometimes it worked and it would be great, but sometimes it didn't and I would immediately blame myself for not doing whatever it was the "right" way, and made a mental note to not do whatever that was again so that I could make sure everything was "ok."  Basically I created these rules inside my head that I needed to live up to, set the standards for my behavior and reactions, and set my own punishments or consequences in my head for when I failed to do so.  I lived a life of self righteousness because I lacked the knowledge of my identity in Christ.  I didn't know who I was in Him, therefore didn't know how to live life in His righteousness and not my own.

Christ came to fulfill the law, period. If I am in Him, then all I need is to live through the righteousness He had, because no amount of trying on my own part can fulfill it.  I needed to truly understand that when I act in any way, "good" intentions or not, but ignore what Christ did for me, I am telling Him that He is not good enough and that I could do it better.  Bitter pills to swallow at first but the most freeing thing for my heart and soul.

In one of many journals I have an ongoing list of identity verses.  Words of God that tell me exactly who I am because I am His.

I am holy and dearly loved (Col. 3:12). I am forgiven, holy and blameless before Him (Eph 1:4).  I am adopted and have every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3).  I can never be separated from His love (Rom. 8:35-39).  I will find grace and mercy in time of need (Heb 4:16).  I am His work of art (Eph 2:10)  

My identity is in Christ.  My identity is based on His works and not my own.  I can cling to the Hope I am given, and when I fail to do so I have full assurance that my God is still clinging to me.

song of hope

Day 26 of

Every Sunday throughout this challenge I will be sharing one of the many songs that encouraged me during the last year.  Please read these words and if you can find it to listen to and let it speak to your heart as well!!

Love Never Fails

Ellie Holcomb

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love doesn't wait to cross over to the other side

Well it's worth never giving up

It's worth holding on

Love never fails

And that's a promise

Love never fails

Help me believe it

Help me to trust that this is truth

Help me to love like You do

Oh, Lord help me to live like

Love never fails

Love doesn't strut

It is not proud

Love will make sure to seek others out

Love doesn't try to keep the score

It sides with forgiveness

Love never fails

And that's a promise

Love never fails

Help me believe it

Help me to trust that this is truth

Help me to love like You do

Oh, Lord help me to live like

Love never fails

Love has eyes that see your pain

Love will never run away

It holds out hope

It holds out trust

Love will always be enough

Love never fails

And that's a promise

Love never fails

Help me believe it

Help me to trust that this is true

Help me to love just like You do

Oh, Lord help me to live like

Love never fails

community

Day 25 of 

He never leaves us nor forsakes us.  It's seriously true.  I've been sharing about my past year and how God taught me to cling tighter to Him than ever.  Tighter to the Hope He provides.  Even when everything seems to be blowing up around you.  Not only do we have Him and His Son and The Holy Spirit, but we have things right here with us in arms' reach that help us cling to Him as well.  I shared about reading His Word.  I shared about communicating with Him in prayer.  I shared about writing it all down,  in however OCD way you may do it.  Today I share about community.

We were created to long for something other than ourselves.  We were created to share our thoughts and hearts, our time and space, our burdens and our joys with others because two are better than one...if they fall one will lift up their fellow.  (Ecc. 4:9)

One of my favorite stories in the bible is in the book of Mark.  Jesus was speaking at someone's home and a few men brought their friend, who was paralyzed, to the house because they knew Jesus could heal him.  When they got there, the home was so crowded they couldn't get near it.  Instead of giving up, they crawled on top of the roof, cut a hole in it and lowered their friend inside.
There are multiple things you can get from this story, but the one I am focusing on is the man's relationship with his friends.  It's not just that this man had awesome friends.  Because seriously, let's face it, those are some dedicated bros!  This man had awesome friends because they took him straight to Jesus.  They loved him so much that they risked a lot (embarrassment, injury, rejection, the repercussions of ruining someone's home) to take him to the only one that mattered.  They pointed him straight to Jesus.  That is a community!

When we seek out people to be in community with, we often try way too hard to find those who have similar interests, those who look 'cool' and would be fun to go out with, or those who always tell us we're justified in whatever feelings we have and pat us on the back and say it'll be ok no matter what the situation.  While most of those qualities are fine and fun to have, they don't mean much in regards to real gospel community. The most important, question is, will they point us to Jesus?  When we need it most, will they cut a hole in the roof and lower us down to the only one who can help?

 The great thing is the closer we get to God, the more we are satisfied in the lord alone, the better we are at being a friend.  When you are filling up your spiritual life with Christ instead of using friendships to take what you need, you begin going into those relationships with a mindset to give what others need.  You are there to serve, not be served. To be a light.  When all those around you are doing this same thing, a beautiful representation of the gospel takes place.

I know it isn't easy to reach out past doubts and insecurities, past fears and assumptions, to become part of other people's lives.  My own fears and doubts have affected my relationships for the majority of my life, even when it was obvious that people were right there by my side. Satan would use those doubts to tell me I was unloved or unwanted.  If you are one of those people I am praying for you to find community.  There is no minimum for community relationships and there's also no cap.  I am praying for at least one person to come into your life that can love you enough to point you to Christ.  I am praying for me to love others enough to point them to Christ as well.  Whether there's 3 of you or thirty, I am praying we can stir one another up to love and good works.  (Heb. 10:24)

I can't end today without saying one thing.  I love the community God has given me.  I love the people He gave us to walk along side us during these hard times,  to give encouragement and ask the tough questions, to share time, conversation and hugs, to talk about nothing or talk about everything.  Whether it was taking me to goodwill to rid myself of items that brought difficult memories,  adding 30 lb med ball slams to a workout to get out aggression,  sitting and talking over countless bowls of cheese dip, sending prayer and comfort through text,  or creating a space to hang out and talk about all the other parts of life because this bomb did not define me, my community showed me Hope and pointed me closer to He who gives it. 

**if you're interested in reading more about being intentional about gospel community my friend has dedicated her 31 days to that subject.  It's good stuff!

write it down

Day 24 of

In the back of my memories I very vaguely remember owning a diary.  There's a good chance it was either Lisa Frank or one of the many Sanrio friends.  Hello Kitty may be the main one now but back in the day she had a whole host of cute little animal friends you could choose from.  There's a chance I wrote in said diary at least once, maybe more, but I guarantee it contained nothing of importance.  Not even some good teenage angst that would provide a good laugh years down the road.  

I wish I knew back then the importance of telling your story.  Because now, 20 plus years later, I have no idea what most of my thoughts and feelings were as I went through life.  There are quite a few things that stick out, but they are the big joys or big sorrows that were burned into my memory because of their importance at the time.  I honestly still have that problem as an adult, but now I blame children.  I shared with my friend and pastor's wife, a few months after having my 3rd boy that my brain didn't seem to have returned out of pregnancy mode.  Her encouraging response, "Yeah it's not going to.  This is the new you.  Embrace it!"  She was 100% right!

We all have a story and God will use your story for your good and His glory.  That, at some point, might mean you need to share your story with another who needs it.  It's hard to tell a story that you don't remember, so right now you need to write it down.

During our first post bomb counseling session our pastor encouraged Zach and I to each get a notebook and write down everything.  Everything we were thinking.  Everything we were feeling.  Everything we were learning.  Everything.  This journal became a close companion as I began pouring out my heart on pages and learning to process through writing.

Writing things down is still a big part of my life, and I am realizing that even though I didn't get it during my younger years, it has been a big thing for me the majority of adulthood.  While I'm sure one notebook is enough, I counted the other day and realized I have 8.  I don't mean 8 that I have filled and had to start another, I mean 8 going on all at the same time for all different reasons.  I'm a little OCD.  My sister doesn't like the food on her plate to touch, I don't like the thoughts in my journals to mix.  Just to name them all quickly I have a daily prayer notebook, a bible study notebook, a 1000 gifts notebook, a sermon notebook, a last year's sermons notebook that I reference frequently, "THE" journal I have been talking about that I reference frequently and add notes to, a new journal, and a really cute yellow monogrammed moleskin that contains my identity verses and the 'creme de la creme' of quotes and scripture.  But like I said I'm seriously a little crazy when it comes to organization so don't assume this is the best way to do it!!

Journaling is not a command from God and is not quite on the same importance level as the other two items in this mini series of things that help us cling to hope, reading His Word, and conversing with Him through prayer.   It is still a very tangible thing that helped me cling to the Hope that God was providing through our situation.  That journal does not just contain my ramblings and feelings.  It contains those scriptures that leapt off the pages as I poured through His Word.  It contains prayers written through tears as I was mining my heart and laying it all down.  It contains the idols I could see in my own life and needed to destroy.  It contains the joys of getting over the next hurdle.  It contains the story of first year of healing and it shows the road I was taken on and it glows with the faithfulness of My Father.  

When I look back through it I see Hope.  I see the promises He gave before the beginning of time being fulfilled in my life.  When I see that Hope it encourages me to continue to cling.

prayer

Day 23 of 

Is anyone among you suffering?  Let him pray. 

James 5:13

I have friends from elementary school through college who I almost never see and seldom talk to. We follow each other on facebook, instagram, and all the other pieces of social media created to keep people in touch, but it's just not the same as sitting in a room together, or even on the phone, and getting to chat.  As much as I love them, and will forever think of them as friends, and be appreciative for who they are and have been in my life, something is missing.  The people closest to me in life are the ones I talk to.  The ones who know about me and I know about them because we have the thing required to keep our relationship intact: Conversation.

 Conversation is ESSENTIAL in relationships.  It is impossible, seriously impossible, to fully know someone without talking to them.  You could have all their pictures and journals, heard stories from others about their life, but unless you have had a conversation in which you can hear their words from their own lips, there will always be something missing in your knowledge of them, and they will be missing a part of you as well.  

When God allowed the bomb to go off in my life, it shook up everything, and slowly and surely He began to rebuild it all the way He wanted.  There was not one part of my life that wasn't touched, and praise God for that, because that means there is not one part of my life that He is not a part of.  Now granted, I do not mean that I'm all good and restored and rebuilt and coasting along. Our lives are in a constant renewal process, a race that is continued to be run.  However, I do mean that I am constantly learning how to let Him in everywhere, to keep nothing back for myself, and to hide nothing from Him because nothing is able to be hidden anyway.

God has given us things on this Earth, tangible things, that aid us in our clinging to the Hope He brings.  Yesterday I wrote about His Word, today it is prayer.

I did not go to seminary, I have no background degree in theology, and I have only read one of the 100s of books out there about prayer.  The point is I am not an expert on the subject, but like you, God has given me a story. And like you, prayer has an impact on that story whether I use it wisely or not.

My prayer life the past year has been an up and down experience and learning process.  There were days where my heart was so full of sorrow, the only thing that would ease it was lamenting in prayer to God. I would ask Him all the questions, and give Him all the complaints welling up within me, until I was drained of it all. And I would be more at peace because instead of keeping it inside, I laid it out to Him, and He would take those burdens.  There were days that I was so full of joy and thankfulness for the way God was working within my husband and me and our marriage that my heart gave me no choice but to thank Him for it all, and pour my joy at His feet.

Another side of prayer life existed as well.  There were also many days that my heart was so full of sorrow that nothing would come out.  I had no strength to think, no strength to question, no strength to even complain.  Those days were the hardest.  The days where the one thing I needed to do was lay it all down at the cross, but at the time, holding on to it seemed to hurt less because I thought talking about it and letting it go, even to the only One who could help, would be so painful I couldn't bare it.   However, whether it only took a few hours, a few days or a few weeks, God did not let go of my heart. His Spirit would hint, and prick and push until finally I blurted it out to Him and it never failed that in that moment I would feel peace again from finally having the conversation. 

That is what prayer is.  A conversation between you and your Heavenly Father.  It doesn't have to be eloquent, it doesn't have to be done only when you're in a good mood or only when you know your exact need. It doesn't have to be with eyes closed and head bowed no matter what some pastor told you at the end of the service.   It can be through tears of joy or tears of sorrow.  It can be through your biggest smile or through clenched teeth.   It just needs to happen.  Our pastor frequently quotes Alexander Moody Stuart's first rule of prayer.  Pray until you pray.  Start the conversation with God and keep at it until you are finally having the conversation you need to be having.   

From experience I can tell you that there are times it won't be easy, and there are times where it is the last thing you want to do. But when you finally let the Spirit win out and give yourself over to prayer, the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus,  (Phil. 4:6-7) and you will see Hope.

his word

Day 22 of

I've said before that Hope, unfortunately, is usually not my first course of action.  It's not the 'go-to immediately, without passing go and without collecting 200 dollars' action.  Yes, the main reason is because I'm a sinner and my flesh battles my spirit constantly to convince it that there's a better plan. 

However another reason is because Hope is hard to grasp. 

 Hope is a beautiful and amazing gift, but it very often feels as if it's out there somewhere, instead of down here tangible and ready.  It's hard to cling to intangibles.  I feel like I've heard that excuse many a time from people for why they don't know or don't want to know God.  Honestly I feel like I've heard that excuse from many believers for why they don't know Him better as well.  I'm confident I've heard that excuse from myself.  It's the very reason Moses came down from a mountain holding the very words of God, and saw God's people worshiping a golden calf they erected themselves.  We want tangible.

Oh what a lie we have believed when we think the Hope of God is not here among us, ready to be grasped.  Ready to be looked at and looked over.  Ready to be communed with.  The next few days I will be sharing about four of the things that brought Hope to me in a 'right there in my presence' way that our human hearts long for.  

The first one is most likely lying very near to you now.

Reading the bible is one of those things you know you need to do.  Not because it's what good Christians put on their list and check off when finished, but because when it's not something you make time for, you can see the negative effects in your life.  Even so, it is most likely the first thing many of us take off of our to-do list when there doesn't seem to be enough time to get your day's tasks done.  

A few years ago I struggled with the desire to read my bible.  I always felt very insecure when opening that book.  There was just so much there...how was I supposed to know where to start?  When I did read, and came across things I didn't understand, I would get super insecure about my Christianity.  Why didn't I understand what they were saying or what is this supposed to mean?  I assumed because I was a believer who grew up in church that this was all just supposed to come naturally.  Conversations with other people and friends in small groups and bible studies helped a little bit, when they shared of their own struggles with quiet times and such, but only to the point of confirming that at least I'm not alone!

Two things were a turning point for me in the desire to read scripture.  The first was some advice from my cousin.  He suggested starting slowly.  Just take 15 minutes and read.  Then the next day take 15 minutes and read.  Don't start out trying to glean some huge light bulb thought or understanding, just read.  So I read.  The next day I read.  Then the next and the next until after a short time I didn't just have to read, or wanted to read, but I needed to read.  My heart could feel the lack of spiritual nourishment when I didn't.  

The second was getting rid of the idea that my quiet time with God had to be a perfectly executed personal party.  Sure, it would be nice to sit quietly in the morning or afternoon with my tea in my favorite cup, the sun shining between the trees, and my bible laid out before me. But who am I kidding.  When I finally stopped placing God in a perfect picture, and started placing His perfectness in my imperfect picture, it was a game changer.  Now my morning is spent getting up a little earlier to pack lunches, sign agendas, and make breakfast before our boys are out of bed, and my time with God is spent next to them eating breakfast with either Curious George, Wild Kratts or Jake and the Neverland Pirates as background noise as I read, and it's a sweet sweet time with my Father.  That's not to say that the struggle to make time never comes back, or that some mornings there is more attending to the responsibilities around me instead of the words in front of me, but I know now what it's like to be in His Word and I know what it was like when I wasn't.

Thankfully these two things happened before the bomb went off, but even if it didn't for you it's not too late.  It's never too late.  Because the more experiences you have in this life, the more you can understand the truths that His Word brings.  Reading my bible became a habit years ago, but scripture came alive for me in a way it never had before a little more than a year ago.  I read words so familiar that they were almost from memory but felt them in ways that were new and fresh.  I read words that brought tears to my eyes, and were balm to my soul.  I read words that angered me with their truth, and quieted me with their comfort.  I began to see the meaning of all that had been there before me all along, in a way that now filled the very needs of my heart.  I will never wish for someone to have to walk through what we have over the past year, but I will always wish that everyone will feel from God's word what we have begun to feel during this time.

God covers everything in His Word.  The answers to your questions are in Him and the Word He gives.  Seek it out.  Start slowly if you need to, but start.  His word is a lamp unto your feel and a light unto your path.  Let it light up your life and let it lead you to cling to Hope.

gives and takes

Day 21 of 

A little over three hours ago I went in a cave.  I don't mean a cave like you see in children's books that has a big arched entrance and you huddle just inside for a bit of shelter or where a friendly bear is sleeping out the winter with his pals.  I mean a hole in between rocks that is cold and slippery and darker than any dark you've experienced and leads into a cavernous area with a trail that continues for 6.5 miles if you were adventurous enough to follow it.

I went in a cave because we are currently 'yurting' in Cloudland Canyon State Park with family and todays events included hiking the West Rim, climbing boulders in Rocktown and visiting a cave.  I did not know until 100 yards from said cave that it was not a cave I imagine in my head and as soon as I was told it was not a cave that I imagine in my head I informed everyone that I was not going in it.  However, my sweet, encouraging husband thought it would be a good experience to share with our oldest two and so I climbed through a dark, cold, slippery, winding hole into a giant cavernous area beneath the earth doing my best not to let my second born who basically got only my DNA see my tears so that he would not begin to freak out as well.

It's still amazing to me how quickly I can doubt.  Even just feet away from daylight surrounded by family who love me and aren't going to let me get lost, if I am even the least bit uncomfortable or afraid, I expect the worst to occur.  I lose all Hope.  When I choose not to cling to that Hope, when I turn away instead, I begin to gain back all the negatives that Hope replaced.  Fear.  Doubt.  Insecurity.  Unbelief.  

  The Christian life can often be a frustrating one.  So often we do what we don't want to do and don't do what we want to do (Romans 7:15)  I 'know' the answers, I 'know' the right thing but during the doing of it there is often a breakdown.  It's because I need Christ.  That's why I have a Savior.  That's why I have His Hope to cling to because I cannot place that hope in me.

Hope gives us a promise but it also takes away a burden.  The burden of clinging to ourselves.  The burden of carrying it all on our own.  The burden of figuring it all out.

  Everyone has a different experience, a different situation, a different bomb, but through all the differences we are learning similar lessons.   Through the differences we are all being drawn to the same place.  Our Father is drawing us in.   Cling to Him.  

Apart from God we have no hope (Ephesians 2:12) so set your hope in God because He can do all things (Jeremiah 14:22)